Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a9RtAz8_CKI Starts at: 03:00:35 (jump to 03:00:35)
Zach Sandler Shares Bipolar Disorder Story and Musical Journey
[03:00:36] and follow them on social media. [03:00:38] All right, our final show, before we hit the raffle, [03:00:46] we have Zach Sandler. [03:00:50] Hey. Oh, hold on. [03:00:53] Special shout out. [03:00:55] To who? [03:00:57] Okay, so I’ll give the special shout out. [03:01:03] So, you know, Zach, he brings some star power here. [03:01:08] And we were able to get him here thanks to a donation from Jessica Unger. [03:01:13] She’s a therapist based in Crofton. [03:01:15] She does some online work as well. [03:01:17] And she’s taking new clients. [03:01:19] And big thanks to her. [03:01:22] Opening it up for other sponsorship opportunities in the future. [03:01:26] So I’m going to pass the mic to Zach here. [03:01:31] Thank you. [03:01:32] Is this a good mic to use? [03:01:36] Hi, everybody. [03:01:37] I’m Zach Sandler. [03:01:38] Tyler, thanks so much for having me here. [03:01:40] Thank you all for coming out tonight. [03:01:42] You guys make the event happen. [03:01:45] I got a little extra time, thanks to Tyler, [03:01:47] so please take that clock away from me. [03:01:52] Thank you. [03:01:54] Yeah. [03:01:54] So oh, right, the advertisement first. [03:01:57] Yes, I am a musical theater actor, composer, lyricist, [03:02:03] pianist as well. [03:02:04] I played for Wicked on Broadway. [03:02:06] You may have heard of the show. [03:02:08] And yeah, and then some more stuff [03:02:10] you’ll hear about in a second. [03:02:11] And also, I am launching a podcast [03:02:14] called Insanely Talented about neurodivergence [03:02:18] and creativity among others. [03:02:21] Thank you. [03:02:22] I actually have business cards out on the front table [03:02:24] and at the NAMI booth and my new website. [03:02:27] My website just went up a few days ago, so check it out. [03:02:32] All right. [03:02:34] So let’s start at the beginning of my story. [03:02:36] This is 2006. [03:02:39] I am a junior at Yale College, 20 years old. [03:02:44] I’ve just given up my biggest passion, musical theater, [03:02:48] to be pitch pipe or music director of my a cappella [03:02:51] group, the prestigious Yale Spitzwinks. [03:02:54] Now, that’s right. [03:02:55] It wasn’t the Whiff and Poofs. [03:02:56] It was the Spitzwinks, which is the weird underclassmen version [03:02:59] of the Whiff and Poofs. [03:03:01] You really needed to know that. [03:03:04] So I gave up musical theater because it took so much time [03:03:07] to be pitch pipe. [03:03:09] But within a month, I missed it so much [03:03:11] that I auditioned for the big musical anyway. [03:03:14] But I had to turn it down because of my time commitment. [03:03:18] One night, I heard the cast of the musical rehearsing [03:03:21] through a door, and I stayed there for what felt like hours, [03:03:24] listening. [03:03:24] Wishing I were on the other side. [03:03:30] I started to feel heavy, hopeless. [03:03:33] And despite being surrounded by friends, alone, [03:03:38] my sadness became deeper and deeper. [03:03:41] And it’s not like I was having tears in my eyes. [03:03:44] I was feeling waterfalls behind them. [03:03:48] A character appears in my head, like a person [03:03:51] who I can’t actually see or hear audibly, but. [03:03:54] And I can feel what he’s saying. [03:03:57] Just give up. [03:04:01] No one likes you. [03:04:04] You’re alone. [03:04:08] I’m sick, so I can hit that low night today. [03:04:13] This continues day after day after day until seven days [03:04:18] later. [03:04:19] I start to feel a pep in my step, the sensation [03:04:22] of my whole body rising. [03:04:24] It’s like another character has appeared who’s saying, [03:04:26] well, that sucked. [03:04:27] Let’s try something new. [03:04:30] And this voice tells me to go to an a cappella party [03:04:33] and go up to every single girl and flirt. [03:04:36] What could go wrong? [03:04:37] Hey, Samantha, nice to meet you. [03:04:39] You are looking cute tonight. [03:04:41] Your rendition of Tradition was sublime. [03:04:44] La-fime! [03:04:44] Would you like to come back to my room and have a sing-along? [03:04:48] You could play my keyboard. [03:04:49] It is sensitive and very long. [03:04:54] No? [03:04:57] OK. [03:04:59] And instead of going home with any of the girls, [03:05:02] I go home with myself, where the voice tells me [03:05:05] to sit down on my computer and start typing. [03:05:07] And over the next three nights, I [03:05:08] stay up all night writing a 39-page manifesto [03:05:11] called My Religion, in which I solve the universe, [03:05:15] I solve humanity, I solve everything. [03:05:18] In the middle of the third night, [03:05:19] I pick up an apple from my desk, admiring how beautiful [03:05:22] and profound its shape is. [03:05:24] And like any good college student who wants to share his excitement [03:05:26] at four in the morning, I call my parents. [03:05:31] Now, my parents being mental health professionals, [03:05:32] they know that something is up. [03:05:34] And they drive through the night from DC to New Haven, [03:05:36] where they take me to a school psychiatrist. [03:05:39] The psychiatrist asks me a few questions and then says, [03:05:43] Mr. Sandler, we’re sending you to the hospital. [03:05:47] I’m completely confused. [03:05:48] This is the most creative and productive I’ve ever felt. [03:05:51] In fact, I just finished my manifesto in the waiting room. [03:05:53] But he insists that I must go. [03:05:57] Either I sign myself in, or they sign me in. [03:06:01] So I sign myself in. [03:06:04] At the hospital, I become paranoid [03:06:06] that the doctors are trying to kill me with their sleeping pills, [03:06:09] and that if I fall asleep before sunrise, I will die. [03:06:12] In the middle of the night, I become [03:06:14] convinced that I am Jesus Christ, another patient is God, [03:06:18] and another is Mother Mary. [03:06:20] And there’s God in every one of us. [03:06:22] And I am Jesus Christ. [03:06:23] And I am Jesus Christ. [03:06:23] And I am Jesus Christ. [03:06:23] And I am the Messiah. [03:06:25] And I am the Messiah. [03:06:29] At 6 AM, the doctors come in, and they have to subdue me, [03:06:32] hold me into a chair, and inject me. [03:06:40] 24 hours later, I wake up. [03:06:42] The sound of a doctor’s voice. [03:06:45] She gives me a diagnosis. [03:06:46] She says that I’m, I can’t be right. [03:06:52] That’s not me. [03:06:53] I’m a stem cell. [03:06:53] I’m steady, stable, reliable. [03:06:54] I’m not crazy. [03:06:55] I go nine years without telling anybody, just a few close friends, family members. [03:07:06] I’m ashamed of what happened, and afraid that if people know, [03:07:09] it could cost me social opportunities, and worst of all, my pride. [03:07:14] And then, I have a shaking fit. [03:07:18] And I wonder if it might be one of my medications. [03:07:20] The doctor tells me to stop one of them completely, and reduce [03:07:23] the other one significantly. [03:07:26] Within three days, I go to a writer’s salon, where I become convinced that one [03:07:31] of the other writers is the devil incarnate. [03:07:33] Another night, I become convinced that somebody is going to blow up the movie [03:07:37] theater, where I’m planning to go for Valentine’s Day, so we don’t go. [03:07:40] And yet another one, my doctor calls in some Klonopin, but I force my partner [03:07:43] to take it first, to show that they’re not trying to kill me. [03:07:46] She panics, and calls the EMS, who sends seven people to put me in an ambulance. [03:07:53] This time, I know the drill, so I follow without resistance. [03:07:59] At the hospital, I am injected, peacefully this time. [03:08:03] I wake up 12 hours later, to the sound of a doctor’s voice. [03:08:06] He says, Mr. Sandler, we can confirm that your diagnosis is… [03:08:15] I’m not ready to hear it. [03:08:19] But this has now happened twice, so I decide, you know what, this is just a part [03:08:23] of my experience, I’m going to own it, I’m going to share it, and I’m going to start [03:08:28] to write about it. [03:08:29] So in 2015, the very first version of Inside My Head, my musical about my bipolar, I said [03:08:35] the word, I wasn’t supposed to, began around a table in my Staten Island apartment. [03:08:42] Over the next 10 years, it goes through many different versions, including one where it’s [03:08:47] not about me at all, another where I’m at the piano narrating my story, and another [03:08:51] actor plays me. [03:08:52] And finally… [03:08:53] The one-person version that exists today. [03:08:55] The opening number, fully grown, goes through 36 versions. [03:09:00] In 2019, I’m doing really well, but I run out of money. [03:09:07] So I move from New York City back to DC. [03:09:10] The move is very destabilizing. [03:09:12] It takes two trips back and forth, and a family vacation in between the two. [03:09:17] By the time I get settled in DC, I’m exhausted, totally strung out. [03:09:22] And then two weeks later, at 1 am, I get my parents to do a ritual clothing ceremony [03:09:30] where I pull out my clothes, bless them, and put them into different piles. [03:09:35] I become terrified that my partner has been kidnapped by some of my friends because she [03:09:39] stopped responding to my texts at 12.30 in the morning. [03:09:43] And one day, I think that my old boss has created a game, and that if I solve all the [03:09:48] clues to this game, I will get a check for a million dollars. [03:09:52] Till the clues lead me into the hallway of the apartment building, where I gaze into [03:09:57] the lights and shout, WIDE OUT! [03:10:00] Till I’m surrounded by five policemen and joke about how silly it is that they’re handcuffing [03:10:04] me. [03:10:05] Till I arrive on a stretcher and go to the emergency room, still flailing, yelling, [03:10:09] WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF GAME IS THIS?! [03:10:18] I start to become more lucid. [03:10:20] … [03:10:21] But by the time the psychiatrist arrives, three hours later, I am so far gone that all [03:10:27] I can say is, I want to go home, but he can’t send me home like that. [03:10:34] So he sends me somewhere else. [03:10:38] … [03:10:39] Now, I’m still processing this third episode, so I’m going to skip over it for right now. [03:10:45] But suffice it to say that this was by far the worst hospitalization of the three. [03:10:52] … [03:10:53] Now, fast forward to January 2025, instantly my head has become a solo version, and I’m [03:11:00] standing on stage at the Clarice Smith Performing Arts Center. [03:11:01] … [03:11:02] … [03:11:03] … [03:11:04] As the show ends, one person stands up over there, then three over there, then ten over there, [03:11:14] until finally all 300 people have risen from their seats to applaud my sharing of my story. [03:11:22] And at that moment, I look back to 20-year-old Zach, 28-year-old Zach, and 33-year-old Zach, [03:11:31] and I say, hang in there, buddy. [03:11:34] One day, it’ll all be worth it. [03:11:40] Thank you. [03:11:53] Thank you guys so much. Thank you. [03:11:58] Hey, give it up for him. Good job. [03:12:04] So, you guys, that is our last artist.