Mert Wolf, a Turkish-American immigrant comedian, delivers a stand-up set weaving together self-deprecating humor about the financial and personal costs of a comedy career, immigrant identity and deportation anxieties, cross-cultural family dynamics, and the chaotic experience of new fatherhood. He closes with a brief, candid acknowledgment that everyone carries inner demons before returning to lighter material.
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Transcript
[01:45:36] Um, my name is Mert Wolf, and I’m no expert in mental health, so I feel like I can’t give you too much advice, but I can give you, I can tell you one thing that is good for your mental health, is not pursuing a career in comedy.
[01:45:58] Drive 150 miles, performing at dive bars for $30, and eating at Wendy’s is not exactly healthy, okay?
[01:46:06] So, take it as a precaution.
[01:46:09] But, um, I am an immigrant.
[01:46:11] We’re in the news a lot nowadays.
[01:46:14] A lot of my friends are asking me,
[01:46:17] Hey Mert, um, you scared of getting deported?
[01:46:20] Not at all.
[01:46:22] Not one bit.
[01:46:23] I have like seven credit cards maxed out.
[01:46:32] I went to college for six years, I got all the student loans.
[01:46:35] I got a family.
[01:46:36] At this point, deportation is a fresh start, god damn it.
[01:46:41] Take my ass away, I’m ready.
[01:46:47] Like you and me, if you want to call ICE on me, we can split the money, okay?
[01:46:50] I got you.
[01:46:51] All you guys can call, I’ll flick a bitch in.
[01:46:54] I will say, my only fear of deportation is being dropped off at the wrong country.
[01:47:01] Like I’m Turkish, born and raised.
[01:47:03] What the hell am I going to do in El Salvador?
[01:47:06] Or God forbid, Greece.
[01:47:10] It is, who said that?
[01:47:12] Who said that Greece is, I agree.
[01:47:14] If I go to Greece, I’m just going to act like I’m Armenian.
[01:47:16] That’s it.
[01:47:18] I got this all figured out.
[01:47:20] I’ll tell you what else is bad for your mental health.
[01:47:24] Is being born in the Middle East.
[01:47:28] Way too fucking hot.
[01:47:30] Way too much hummus.
[01:47:32] Way too many olives.
[01:47:36] You’re sick and tired of that shit.
[01:47:38] I don’t know if you guys know anything about Turks or Turkey as a country.
[01:47:42] We’re the fakest of all Muslim countries.
[01:47:46] Like we don’t follow any of the Muslim rules.
[01:47:48] No commandments.
[01:47:50] Like I got all these tattoos.
[01:47:52] I drink all the time.
[01:47:54] I love the Jews.
[01:48:00] And I eat pork sometimes.
[01:48:02] My mom gets so stuck on that.
[01:48:04] How could you eat pork?
[01:48:06] How could you do that?
[01:48:08] I’m like, are you really judging me, mom?
[01:48:10] How could you marry a Catholic man from Michigan?
[01:48:16] Let’s compare our sins, mom.
[01:48:20] I’m having pepperoni pizza.
[01:48:22] You’re having Catholic sausage.
[01:48:26] You can’t judge me.
[01:48:30] I love my stepfather, by the way.
[01:48:32] He’s a nice guy, but he’s an infidel.
[01:48:34] That’s a hit or miss.
[01:48:38] Some people get scared of him.
[01:48:42] I just had a baby, too.
[01:48:46] Brand new.
[01:48:48] He just turned a month old.
[01:48:50] So maybe I should be home.
[01:48:54] Not doing a free show.
[01:48:56] But here I am.
[01:48:58] I do have
[01:49:00] some fears as a new father.
[01:49:02] Like I don’t want my child to have a
[01:49:04] unibrow.
[01:49:06] I had one.
[01:49:08] I still do.
[01:49:10] This shit never goes away.
[01:49:12] It’s a rough lifestyle.
[01:49:14] People look down at you just cause.
[01:49:16] And guys, I’m Turkish.
[01:49:18] I married a Latina.
[01:49:20] I might be cross-breeding the hairiest child of all time.
[01:49:22] I do not want to raise cousin in.
[01:49:28] The labor part was interesting.
[01:49:30] They take us in.
[01:49:32] I’m 28.
[01:49:34] I just ordered takeout the whole time
[01:49:36] as she was struggling.
[01:49:38] People are like, oh my god.
[01:49:40] It must be so hard for him.
[01:49:42] Yeah, it is.
[01:49:44] But I don’t know where
[01:49:46] things get very intense.
[01:49:48] Baby’s heart rate goes down.
[01:49:50] They’re like, we gotta get this baby out now.
[01:49:52] And I was like, oh shit.
[01:49:54] So we pulled her legs up.
[01:49:56] She starts pushing.
[01:49:58] And then doctor’s like, look.
[01:50:00] And I just saw a long
[01:50:02] patch of hair.
[01:50:04] And I don’t know if you guys had babies before.
[01:50:06] When babies come out, they’re all gray.
[01:50:08] My boy looked like
[01:50:10] Professor Snape.
[01:50:12] I was like,
[01:50:14] what have I done?
[01:50:16] And I’m not making this up.
[01:50:18] The TV was on.
[01:50:20] We forgot to turn off the TV.
[01:50:22] And I was like, baby, you want me to turn off the TV?
[01:50:24] She’s like, no, keep it on.
[01:50:26] And it was fucking Harry Potter playing
[01:50:28] the whole time.
[01:50:30] I’m looking at her, I’m looking at Dumbledore.
[01:50:32] I’m looking at her, I’m looking at Snape.
[01:50:34] I’m like, ah.
[01:50:36] He’s a cursed child.
[01:50:38] You say what?
[01:50:40] I will.
[01:50:42] To which god?
[01:50:44] I’m a little confused.
[01:50:48] My stepfather’s Catholic.
[01:50:50] Who should I pray to?
[01:50:52] Jesus? Allah?
[01:50:54] I don’t know. I’m confused.
[01:50:56] All of them?
[01:50:58] You’re right. I need it.
[01:51:00] I’ll tell you, we all have problems.
[01:51:02] We all have demons.
[01:51:04] We do.
[01:51:06] Even the most perfect looking person
[01:51:08] has some type of stuff going on in their head.
[01:51:10] And I feel like
[01:51:12] I don’t have any suicidal tendencies
[01:51:14] or murderous tendencies.
[01:51:16] My demons are all food related.
[01:51:18] Like if I’m sitting at home
[01:51:20] at 3 a.m.
[01:51:22] by myself,
[01:51:24] everyone asleep,
[01:51:26] the devil’s in my ear like,
[01:51:28] bitch.
[01:51:30] And just go into the cupboard
[01:51:32] and pull out whatever type of bread.
[01:51:34] Don’t toast it.
[01:51:36] Spread it on there. Get the cheese.
[01:51:38] Just eat it.
[01:51:40] And I listen to my demons almost every week.
[01:51:42] And then you wake up,
[01:51:44] your butthole’s sticking to tongues.
[01:51:50] Alright, you guys are lovely.
[01:51:52] I appreciate you.
[01:51:54] Do I have time? Am I still good on time?
[01:51:56] I have no idea.
[01:51:58] Somebody just usually likes me at a comedy show.
[01:52:00] Okay, I’ll do one more
[01:52:02] and then I’ll get out of here.
[01:52:04] I bartended for years.
[01:52:06] I was a bartender.
[01:52:08] And people get very personal with you.
[01:52:10] Always like, this one guy
[01:52:12] asked me, they always ask you the same question,
[01:52:14] where are you from? I was like, I’m Turkish.
[01:52:16] And this one guy got so excited. I was like, oh my god,
[01:52:18] I love Turkey. I love them so much.
[01:52:20] I visited Constantinople last summer.
[01:52:22] I was like,
[01:52:24] sir, it hasn’t been called that since 1453.
[01:52:28] Did you play Assassin’s Creed all day?
[01:52:32] Or are you a Templar?
[01:52:34] Guys, thank you for listening.
[01:52:36] Have a great night. Love you all.
[01:52:40] Good shit.