Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a9RtAz8_CKI Starts at: 01:45:10 (jump to 01:45:10)
Mert Wolf Performs Stand-Up Comedy
[01:45:36] Um, my name is Mert Wolf, and I’m no expert in mental health, so I feel like I can’t give you too much advice, but I can give you, I can tell you one thing that is good for your mental health, is not pursuing a career in comedy. [01:45:58] Drive 150 miles, performing at dive bars for $30, and eating at Wendy’s is not exactly healthy, okay? [01:46:06] So, take it as a precaution. [01:46:09] But, um, I am an immigrant. [01:46:11] We’re in the news a lot nowadays. [01:46:14] A lot of my friends are asking me, [01:46:17] Hey Mert, um, you scared of getting deported? [01:46:20] Not at all. [01:46:22] Not one bit. [01:46:23] I have like seven credit cards maxed out. [01:46:32] I went to college for six years, I got all the student loans. [01:46:35] I got a family. [01:46:36] At this point, deportation is a fresh start, god damn it. [01:46:41] Take my ass away, I’m ready. [01:46:47] Like you and me, if you want to call ICE on me, we can split the money, okay? [01:46:50] I got you. [01:46:51] All you guys can call, I’ll flick a bitch in. [01:46:54] I will say, my only fear of deportation is being dropped off at the wrong country. [01:47:01] Like I’m Turkish, born and raised. [01:47:03] What the hell am I going to do in El Salvador? [01:47:06] Or God forbid, Greece. [01:47:10] It is, who said that? [01:47:12] Who said that Greece is, I agree. [01:47:14] If I go to Greece, I’m just going to act like I’m Armenian. [01:47:16] That’s it. [01:47:18] I got this all figured out. [01:47:20] I’ll tell you what else is bad for your mental health. [01:47:24] Is being born in the Middle East. [01:47:28] Way too fucking hot. [01:47:30] Way too much hummus. [01:47:32] Way too many olives. [01:47:36] You’re sick and tired of that shit. [01:47:38] I don’t know if you guys know anything about Turks or Turkey as a country. [01:47:42] We’re the fakest of all Muslim countries. [01:47:46] Like we don’t follow any of the Muslim rules. [01:47:48] No commandments. [01:47:50] Like I got all these tattoos. [01:47:52] I drink all the time. [01:47:54] I love the Jews. [01:48:00] And I eat pork sometimes. [01:48:02] My mom gets so stuck on that. [01:48:04] How could you eat pork? [01:48:06] How could you do that? [01:48:08] I’m like, are you really judging me, mom? [01:48:10] How could you marry a Catholic man from Michigan? [01:48:16] Let’s compare our sins, mom. [01:48:20] I’m having pepperoni pizza. [01:48:22] You’re having Catholic sausage. [01:48:26] You can’t judge me. [01:48:30] I love my stepfather, by the way. [01:48:32] He’s a nice guy, but he’s an infidel. [01:48:34] That’s a hit or miss. [01:48:38] Some people get scared of him. [01:48:42] I just had a baby, too. [01:48:46] Brand new. [01:48:48] He just turned a month old. [01:48:50] So maybe I should be home. [01:48:54] Not doing a free show. [01:48:56] But here I am. [01:48:58] I do have [01:49:00] some fears as a new father. [01:49:02] Like I don’t want my child to have a [01:49:04] unibrow. [01:49:06] I had one. [01:49:08] I still do. [01:49:10] This shit never goes away. [01:49:12] It’s a rough lifestyle. [01:49:14] People look down at you just cause. [01:49:16] And guys, I’m Turkish. [01:49:18] I married a Latina. [01:49:20] I might be cross-breeding the hairiest child of all time. [01:49:22] I do not want to raise cousin in. [01:49:28] The labor part was interesting. [01:49:30] They take us in. [01:49:32] I’m 28. [01:49:34] I just ordered takeout the whole time [01:49:36] as she was struggling. [01:49:38] People are like, oh my god. [01:49:40] It must be so hard for him. [01:49:42] Yeah, it is. [01:49:44] But I don’t know where [01:49:46] things get very intense. [01:49:48] Baby’s heart rate goes down. [01:49:50] They’re like, we gotta get this baby out now. [01:49:52] And I was like, oh shit. [01:49:54] So we pulled her legs up. [01:49:56] She starts pushing. [01:49:58] And then doctor’s like, look. [01:50:00] And I just saw a long [01:50:02] patch of hair. [01:50:04] And I don’t know if you guys had babies before. [01:50:06] When babies come out, they’re all gray. [01:50:08] My boy looked like [01:50:10] Professor Snape. [01:50:12] I was like, [01:50:14] what have I done? [01:50:16] And I’m not making this up. [01:50:18] The TV was on. [01:50:20] We forgot to turn off the TV. [01:50:22] And I was like, baby, you want me to turn off the TV? [01:50:24] She’s like, no, keep it on. [01:50:26] And it was fucking Harry Potter playing [01:50:28] the whole time. [01:50:30] I’m looking at her, I’m looking at Dumbledore. [01:50:32] I’m looking at her, I’m looking at Snape. [01:50:34] I’m like, ah. [01:50:36] He’s a cursed child. [01:50:38] You say what? [01:50:40] I will. [01:50:42] To which god? [01:50:44] I’m a little confused. [01:50:48] My stepfather’s Catholic. [01:50:50] Who should I pray to? [01:50:52] Jesus? Allah? [01:50:54] I don’t know. I’m confused. [01:50:56] All of them? [01:50:58] You’re right. I need it. [01:51:00] I’ll tell you, we all have problems. [01:51:02] We all have demons. [01:51:04] We do. [01:51:06] Even the most perfect looking person [01:51:08] has some type of stuff going on in their head. [01:51:10] And I feel like [01:51:12] I don’t have any suicidal tendencies [01:51:14] or murderous tendencies. [01:51:16] My demons are all food related. [01:51:18] Like if I’m sitting at home [01:51:20] at 3 a.m. [01:51:22] by myself, [01:51:24] everyone asleep, [01:51:26] the devil’s in my ear like, [01:51:28] bitch. [01:51:30] And just go into the cupboard [01:51:32] and pull out whatever type of bread. [01:51:34] Don’t toast it. [01:51:36] Spread it on there. Get the cheese. [01:51:38] Just eat it. [01:51:40] And I listen to my demons almost every week. [01:51:42] And then you wake up, [01:51:44] your butthole’s sticking to tongues. [01:51:50] Alright, you guys are lovely. [01:51:52] I appreciate you. [01:51:54] Do I have time? Am I still good on time? [01:51:56] I have no idea. [01:51:58] Somebody just usually likes me at a comedy show. [01:52:00] Okay, I’ll do one more [01:52:02] and then I’ll get out of here. [01:52:04] I bartended for years. [01:52:06] I was a bartender. [01:52:08] And people get very personal with you. [01:52:10] Always like, this one guy [01:52:12] asked me, they always ask you the same question, [01:52:14] where are you from? I was like, I’m Turkish. [01:52:16] And this one guy got so excited. I was like, oh my god, [01:52:18] I love Turkey. I love them so much. [01:52:20] I visited Constantinople last summer. [01:52:22] I was like, [01:52:24] sir, it hasn’t been called that since 1453. [01:52:28] Did you play Assassin’s Creed all day? [01:52:32] Or are you a Templar? [01:52:34] Guys, thank you for listening. [01:52:36] Have a great night. Love you all. [01:52:40] Good shit.