Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oNec-qD9ciM Starts at: 00:20:09 (jump to 00:20:09)
Growing Up in Inland Maine, Letting Go & Mirror Neurons
[00:20:09] emotional starting this off so i’m gonna do my best but my brain as i’m sure a lot of yours is [00:20:15] just hard to be a human it’s not always worked the way it should and uh i grew up in a really [00:20:20] little town where we weren’t supposed to fucking talk about it and i was taught to just chew it [00:20:25] down and become angry and i did that for years and this is amazing that you’re creating a space [00:20:30] where it’s okay to fucking talk about this stuff so you fucking rule please keep this going [00:20:34] no you don’t you love lobsters you love a lighthouse is what you like but people forget [00:20:44] that maine is not mostly coastline there is eight hours of buggy racist inland and that’s where i’m [00:20:52] from i’m from the part of the world that conan o’brien aptly described as the deep south of the [00:20:58] far north i’m from an area people are like you grew up in maine you must love [00:21:04] stop that’s what they we didn’t eat lobster in the part of maine where i’m from we ate oxycontin [00:21:11] i grew up in a very abysmal just sad part of maine that sucks i fucking hated growing up there [00:21:21] and people are like well what’s it like to grow up in inland maine then steven king [00:21:26] that’s exactly what it’s like that guy fucking nails it every time honestly i thought he was [00:21:34] a biologist [00:21:34] for years this guy writes the best historical memoirs i’ve read in years i too have buried a [00:21:43] pet that came back alive that’s crazy my upbringing was so steven king my upbringing was [00:21:50] crazy my upbringing was so steven king i’ll never forget the first time that me and my [00:21:57] friends saw that movie stand by me when we were in middle school our only criticism of the movie [00:22:04] was done was okay yeah it’s a fine fucking film and all but if their dads are such bad alcoholics [00:22:12] how come their treehouse is finished [00:22:14] free of alcohol and pills [00:22:20] which is great i used to love people are like you don’t do drugs really no i fucking dig drugs man [00:22:30] i used to take three klonopins which i was [00:22:34] prescribed which was a bad idea and i used to put them on my tongue and then wash them down with a [00:22:41] full cup of whiskey which if you don’t know is the chemical equivalent of unreading books it makes [00:22:49] you so fucking stupid because we don’t know fucking anything about the brain like even when [00:22:55] i started taking lexapro if you look at lexapro online in essence what they say is we don’t really [00:23:02] know how this works [00:23:04] which is basically and i’m like great so i’ll just burn in this shit through my kidneys for the next 10 years like it’s crazy they don’t and i’m not insulting medicine they’re doing a far better fucking job than i am i love when idiots criticize medicine and they’re like oh these guys don’t know anything about it you’re fucking you’re awful you’re the dumbest human being i’ve ever met you don’t know could you imagine trying to work on this this is a bone coconut [00:23:30] filled with wet cauliflower [00:23:34] does math somehow that’s fucking crazy [00:23:38] can you imagine the first people that cracked into the cranium trying to fix what’s coming out of there [00:23:43] and they were like all right we think the malady is coming from inside this geodesic dome [00:23:49] and they’re like they’ve got their stuff for splinting an arm or addressing a wound because [00:23:54] that’s all they’ve ever seen and then they just start cracking into this thing and then they peel [00:23:59] it open and they’re like guys here’s what’s inside oh my god [00:24:02] oh my god [00:24:03] oh my god [00:24:04] oh it’s like a mohawk [00:24:05] that was growling [00:24:07] a mohawk [00:24:09] and the doctor was like [00:24:10] i’m not gonna poke this [00:24:11] i just dragged my hand across it and now this guy doesn’t understand time [00:24:19] that’s how fucking delicate this thing is [00:24:22] but it’s also so it’s so complicated but it’s so primitive [00:24:27] like the fact get this [00:24:29] no one ever thinks about this because [00:24:31] it’s such a simple thing [00:24:32] but the fact [00:24:33] that I know shit I don’t want to know. [00:24:38] Like, that’s crazy. [00:24:39] One of the first functions you get on a phone or a computer [00:24:42] is the ability to delete things. [00:24:45] Not your brain. [00:24:47] You’ll see something horrific, and you’ll be like, [00:24:49] oh, fuck, fuck! [00:24:51] Holy fuck! [00:24:54] Oh, my God. [00:24:55] Oh, my God, I hope I never see that again. [00:24:58] And then your brain is standing there [00:25:00] flipping a coin in the corner. [00:25:01] And it’s like, too bad. [00:25:05] Because I’m going to show you that [00:25:06] on a nearly endless loop from now on. [00:25:09] You’re going to see it every time you close your eyes. [00:25:12] I’m going to replay it in startling accuracy. [00:25:15] The other part is, it misallocates resources constantly. [00:25:21] If you think about it, it’s always misallocating RAM. [00:25:24] Like, it’s crazy. [00:25:26] Like, recently, I was in a Hilton Garden Inn [00:25:29] in Terre Haute, Indiana. [00:25:31] Humble. [00:25:31] Or hag. [00:25:34] Anyway, I just got done doing a show, [00:25:36] and I’m in the bathroom, [00:25:37] and I’m brushing my teeth, as I’ve always done. [00:25:40] Lavendered up good, brushing my teeth, [00:25:42] standing in the mirror, getting ready to go to bed. [00:25:45] And then I lean over, flip on the faucet, [00:25:48] take a big, cool sip of water, [00:25:50] swish it around in my mouth, [00:25:53] pick up my toiletry bag, unzip that, [00:25:56] and spit everything into my luggage. [00:26:00] What the fuck? [00:26:01] What the fuck? [00:26:01] What the fuck happened? [00:26:02] Right? [00:26:02] Like, what broke down in the process? [00:26:05] I’ve been doing this for 40 fucking years. [00:26:08] And then it was as if my brain was like, [00:26:09] I forgot the lyrics to this one. [00:26:13] Like, that’s crazy. [00:26:15] It does that shit all the time. [00:26:16] How many of you have ever been walking down a flight of stairs, [00:26:19] and if you’re holding a laundry basket, [00:26:21] and you can’t see your feet, [00:26:23] it’s dealer’s choice on the last three steps, right? [00:26:26] You’ll just be going, and you’ll be like, [00:26:28] left, right, left. [00:26:31] Both? [00:26:32] I mean, is it a koi hop down the last? [00:26:35] It’s crazy. [00:26:37] Like, get this. [00:26:38] This is what I mean. [00:26:39] Like, get this. [00:26:40] Like a little punk skater [00:26:42] that was just all fucked up out of his head. [00:26:44] Maine is not a happy place. [00:26:46] It was not a good place. [00:26:48] It was the epicenter of the opioid epidemic. [00:26:50] If you read the book Dope Sick, [00:26:52] they talk about Maine as being, [00:26:53] it was a lot of drugs and a lot of violence. [00:26:56] And I was grown up around a bunch of troubled people, [00:26:59] and I didn’t know how to leave that situation. [00:27:04] I didn’t know how to fucking run, right? [00:27:07] And then I remember, like, it’s crazy. [00:27:10] I wanted to get away from it, [00:27:12] but I had, like, one of those teenage girlfriends, [00:27:14] you know, like that relationship that you’re like, [00:27:16] I don’t know if it’s over. [00:27:18] Are we done? [00:27:19] I kept thinking that, [00:27:20] despite the fact that her new boyfriend [00:27:22] had thrice thrown food at me [00:27:26] out of the window of his job at a KFC. [00:27:28] Drive-thru. [00:27:30] And I can tell you, if you don’t know if a relationship’s over, [00:27:33] that’s a pretty good fucking sign right there. [00:27:35] I remember one day I used to pull up [00:27:37] and order $80 worth of chicken [00:27:39] and then pull up to the window with my middle finger up. [00:27:42] And then one day he just whipped a carton of mashed potatoes out [00:27:46] and he hit me and splashed across my body. [00:27:49] And then everybody inside is laughing. [00:27:52] So I tried to save face by doing that shit from a kung fu movie [00:27:56] where I take my fingers and I’m like, [00:27:58] I don’t fucking care. [00:27:59] I fucking like it. [00:28:02] Which I’m going to tell you all only works with blood. [00:28:06] That’s the only substance. [00:28:08] It doesn’t work with buttery mashed potatoes. [00:28:11] It’s not the same gravitas, if you know what I mean. [00:28:15] So anyway, one night I got all fucked up. [00:28:19] I ended up in detox, got driven out and I just got crazy. [00:28:24] I destroyed a bunch of shit. [00:28:25] They strapped me to a table. [00:28:27] I spent the night in detox. [00:28:28] I woke up in the morning and this person had left a message on my answering machine. [00:28:33] That’s how long ago it was saying, like, I’m done with you. [00:28:37] Don’t fucking contact me anymore. [00:28:39] And I decided I don’t want to live anymore. [00:28:42] Like, I hated myself as this chubby little pockmarked skater. [00:28:47] I didn’t have any goals or prospects for the future. [00:28:50] I just wanted to fucking die. [00:28:52] But I was also hungry and hungover. [00:28:56] So I decided to go get a sandwich. [00:28:58] Now, I’m going to tell you, I didn’t like this shop sandwiches. [00:29:02] It was the 90s. [00:29:03] And if you didn’t know, the 90s were a terrible time for sandwiches. [00:29:08] It was the time of big pockets. [00:29:10] The Jean Co shorts, right? [00:29:12] Of course, the Jordache stuff, the big pockets on the Esprit backpack. [00:29:17] And of course, the pita pocket sandwich was all the rage. [00:29:21] And if you don’t know what a pita pocket sandwich, the 90s got caught up in it. [00:29:26] It was as if the delis all the time. [00:29:28] All at one time said, hey, are you tired of working on the counter? [00:29:32] And she was way outside of anything that I would have ever known. [00:29:36] She was beautiful. [00:29:38] And she was, like, put together. [00:29:40] You could tell she, like, played sports and she was. [00:29:43] But she talked to me like I was a fucking human being. [00:29:46] And I was like, maybe that’ll cheer me up. [00:29:49] And I walked in and I was like up. [00:29:51] And then I got the negative jackpot. [00:29:54] She is not there. [00:29:55] And instead, I get this big. [00:29:58] This guy that I fucking hate. [00:30:00] And he turns around and, you know, [00:30:02] and he’s one of these guys that’s impossibly positive all the time. [00:30:06] He was like, oh, he’d say things like, you know, [00:30:09] a frown is just a smile that lost its way or some bullshit like that. [00:30:15] And I’m like, I don’t want to fucking be here. [00:30:17] But I’ve already walked in the door and he’s like, what can I get you? [00:30:20] And I’m like, fuck. [00:30:22] So finally, I just go like, I just want a veggie pita. [00:30:27] And then he goes, he looks me up and down and he goes, coming right up. [00:30:33] And he turns around and he just starts making my sandwich and he says nothing. [00:30:38] And then he starts talking and he goes, hey, [00:30:42] have I ever told you how African Bush people catch monkeys? [00:30:47] And I was like, what? No. [00:30:49] When the fuck would you have ever told me that? [00:30:51] And he goes, it’s actually kind of a cool story what they do. [00:30:53] And he’s got his back to me. [00:30:54] They take their coconut, they drill a hole in it and they empty [00:30:57] the water out and in that hole, they put a rope and they tie a knot inside of it. [00:31:01] Right. And then they pull the rope in. [00:31:03] Right. So now you’ve got a coconut that’s fastened to a rope. [00:31:06] And then they take the other end of that rope and they tie it to the base of a tree. [00:31:10] Right. So now effectively what you’ve got is [00:31:13] a coconut that’s been fastened to the bottom of a tree that’s just sitting there. [00:31:17] And then now I start daydreaming about ways I can fucking kill this guy right in front of me. [00:31:23] And I’m looking for the items I can bludgeon him to death with and nothing’s [00:31:27] coming out of me. And I’m like, fuck, again, out of luck. [00:31:30] But then I see a bag of SunChips on the counter. [00:31:33] And I think to my mouth, if those things can do that shit to the roof [00:31:37] of my mouth, then what could they do to the side of this man’s fucking neck? [00:31:41] Right. And I start daydreaming about Jason Borning [00:31:45] my way across this galley floor and grabbing those chips and launching off [00:31:49] the sidewalk and sugar gliding onto this guy’s back and then dragging [00:31:54] the serrated edge of a harvest cheddar back and forth. [00:31:57] Across his neck till he bleeds out from a thousand tiny salty cuts. [00:32:08] So anyway, I come out of that restaurant and this guy is still fucking talking. [00:32:13] And he’s going now in the other hole, they take food that the monkey can grab. [00:32:17] And what happens is the monkey puts its hand in the hole because the hole is big [00:32:21] enough for the monkey to put its hand in like this. [00:32:23] And then he grabs a hold of the meat and then he starts whipping around, [00:32:27] trying to get his hand out. Right. [00:32:28] Because he’s gripped onto it. [00:32:29] He’s like, fuck, I can’t get it loose. [00:32:31] And then the Bush people come out and now [00:32:33] the guy turns around and he’s acting it out. [00:32:35] And he’s like, now it’s swinging his hand around. [00:32:38] And then the Bush people come out with clubs and they start beating this thing [00:32:41] over its head until it’s dead and then they cut it off at the wrist where his [00:32:46] hand is stuck in and then they drag it back to their village and they spit roast [00:32:50] him over an open flame and I was like, what the fuck, man? [00:32:58] And then he put his hands down on the counter [00:33:02] and he goes, do you want to know the moral of the story? [00:33:06] And I was like, no, no, I don’t. [00:33:11] And then he just turned around and he looked me dead in the eye. [00:33:15] And he was like, sometimes you just have to let go. [00:33:21] Sometimes the very thing that you are gripped onto so tightly is the very thing [00:33:26] that is killing you. [00:33:28] And sometimes you’re afraid that you’ll never find that thing again. [00:33:32] You’ll never find nourishment again. [00:33:34] So you just hold onto it so tight, not realizing that that’s the thing that’s [00:33:39] going to be your demise and you just have to trust yourself and let go. [00:33:43] It’ll come back to you some other time. [00:33:45] Let fucking go. [00:33:47] And then he slid the sandwich across the counter to me and he went, that’s on the [00:33:53] house tonight. [00:33:55] And [00:33:56] then I burst into fucking tears in front of this guy. [00:34:02] I just heard, what the fuck? [00:34:07] Why did you just say that? [00:34:10] Why did you say all that stuff? [00:34:12] Why did you give me this sandwich? [00:34:14] Inevitably choose the hell they know over the happiness they don’t. [00:34:19] That’s how human beings operate. [00:34:21] So in that moment, I just metaphorically let go. [00:34:23] I put my head back. [00:34:25] I let my arms go. [00:34:26] And I just I fucking gave up and I was like, I’m going to do it. [00:34:30] And in nineteen ninety nine, three months after that, I got into a geostorm, [00:34:35] which is from the nineties, you don’t remember the geostorm, but it was [00:34:41] basically a vape pen on wheels and I got into that little car with eighty [00:34:48] dollars in my pocket, eighty fucking dollars. [00:34:51] And I drove twenty one hundred miles across the country to Denver and I went to jail. [00:34:56] I did get in trouble, but then I ended up going to rehab. [00:34:59] I ended up making three seasons of a [00:35:01] television show with my best friends and four stand up albums and an hour special [00:35:06] that comes out on Hulu and I just spent a lovely Saturday evening in Pittsburgh. [00:35:10] And it was all over the place. [00:35:15] Because I fucking let go. [00:35:19] Let go. [00:35:21] Some of you in here, some of you in here know I’m fucking talking to you. [00:35:26] Let fucking go. [00:35:28] Just let go. It’ll be fucking OK. [00:35:30] Let it go. You’re trying too fucking hard. [00:35:33] Do you know how bad I could have fucking I hated that guy? [00:35:37] But do you know how bad I could have used him in twenty twenty when the world shut [00:35:41] down and told every fucking artist that what we do doesn’t fucking matter? [00:35:47] We’re not essential, despite the fact [00:35:49] that this country’s number one export is our culture. [00:35:53] It is our music. [00:35:55] It is our art. [00:35:56] It is our comedy. [00:35:57] I could have loved to have gone into that fucking shop when I lost all self-worth [00:36:02] and have that guy be there to tell me you’re not a degree in college. [00:36:05] You are not what you do for a fucking job. [00:36:08] You are not all of your accomplishments in life. [00:36:10] You are who you are to your community and you are who you are and how you treat people. [00:36:15] And of course, he would have told me that through a very terrifying allegory [00:36:20] of like Inuits, Clubbing Babies, Seals and something like that. [00:36:24] But instead, I’m just going [00:36:26] to have to settle for a decent pizza shop with a counter kid that keeps finding more [00:36:30] and new and creative ways to tell me how big his dick is. [00:36:36] He’s very good. [00:36:38] I want to just make this one last point. [00:36:40] I do not believe that was spiritual intervention. [00:36:43] I don’t. That’s my choice. [00:36:44] What I choose to believe is biologically, you and I are so fucking similar. [00:36:50] He could read me. [00:36:51] That’s what happens. [00:36:53] It is the job of things that are [00:36:55] different to find commonality, but when things are alike, [00:36:59] that’s why they establish individuality. [00:37:01] That’s what happens. [00:37:02] And I believe that. [00:37:03] Did you know you have these things in the front of your head called mirror neurons? [00:37:08] Their whole job, you have these beautiful things called mirror neurons. [00:37:11] Their whole job is to read your facial expression and copy it. [00:37:16] That’s the entire function of that set of neurons. [00:37:19] That’s why when somebody walks up to you smiling, you’re like, [00:37:24] I’m a fucker. [00:37:24] Why are you smiling? [00:37:27] You shouldn’t be smiling. [00:37:28] You’ve got a gun [00:37:30] and I’m depressed. [00:37:32] So why are you smiling? [00:37:33] That’s your brain doing that. [00:37:35] And I think that guy realized he looked at me. [00:37:38] He read me. [00:37:39] He felt it and he made a choice and say something good or bad to this kid. [00:37:43] And then he’s going to do something good or bad. [00:37:45] And then everybody he interacted with, they’re going to do something good or bad. [00:37:49] And then that person is going to do something good or bad. [00:37:51] And that person is going to do something good or bad. [00:37:53] And if that’s not being [00:37:54] a God or a demon in life, I don’t know what the fuck is. [00:37:58] That’s being God or a demon. [00:38:01] Now shut up. [00:38:07] Everybody, everybody go like this. [00:38:10] Just go. [00:38:17] That’s how big my pizza guy’s dick is. [00:38:24] Come on, you want a pizza? [00:38:26] Shut up. [00:38:30] God fucking legs. [00:38:32] God is going to fuck this ass bitch. [00:38:34] God fucking legs, man. [00:38:36] God fucking legs, man. [00:38:37] God fucking legs. [00:38:39] Oh my God. [00:38:40] God fucking legs. [00:38:42] God fucking legs. [00:38:44] God fucking legs, baby δια certificate. [00:38:48] God fucking legs, man. [00:38:50] God fucking legs. [00:38:51] God fucking legs.