Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oNec-qD9ciM Starts at: 00:09:37 (jump to 00:09:37)
Dad’s Suicide, Ambien Overdose & Therapy Advocacy
[00:09:37] thank you i’ve dealt with depression since i was very young probably been like eight or nine [00:09:45] and i had a big life trauma at 11. so it’s great to know like ha i would have been up regardless [00:09:54] you didn’t do this to the universe this did this [00:10:01] my dad died in a car accident when i was 11. [00:10:04] and so that just made the depression kind of worse the only thing that was really good about [00:10:09] that was because i built that ship i was very young by the time my friends in high school [00:10:13] started dealing depression i was ready i’d been through the tour i knew what to say i knew what [00:10:20] to do [00:10:21] … [00:10:21] … [00:10:22] … [00:10:22] … [00:10:22] … [00:10:23] … [00:10:23] … [00:10:23] 10th grade, the one night, I’m talking to my friend over AOL’s messenger, yeah, I take [00:10:29] the story pretty well, and I find out that he is actually suicidal, and so we’re talking, [00:10:37] I’m trying to convince him to like, you know, keep talking to me, I’m so thankful we didn’t [00:10:41] have dial-up at the time, so I could also make phone calls while I typed, so I contact [00:10:48] another friend, and he gets his dad to drive us to my buddy’s house at 2 in the morning, [00:10:53] to talk him down for possibly killing himself, and my buddy’s dad, who came along, is a minister, [00:10:59] so he’s used to talking to people in crisis, I led the talk, I said everything, and apparently [00:11:08] my friend’s dad said about him the next day, it was so amazing seeing Zach talk, it was [00:11:12] like the Lord was talking through me, did I get suicide prevention stolen valor? [00:11:23] Like, I’m an agnostic, this was me, give me some fucking credit. [00:11:33] In fact, I came to Pittsburgh, I grew up in Lancaster County, which is a place where you [00:11:37] do not talk about emotions, so I’m very glad this kind of thing exists, and my mental health [00:11:42] was at its absolute worst when I was in college, to the extent where I very thankfully survived [00:11:48] my own suicide attack in college. [00:11:50] Thank you, I’m glad to be here. [00:11:53] I’ve always had trouble with insomnia, so when I was in college, my doctor gave me a [00:11:56] prescription for Ambien. [00:11:57] Woo! [00:11:59] No! [00:12:01] That is not a woo! [00:12:04] Ambien’s a thing that almost killed me! [00:12:07] Don’t woo the thing that almost killed me! [00:12:12] And I built, the problem with it was that I built up a tolerance to it, so I can get [00:12:17] real fucked up and not fall asleep. [00:12:19] And I didn’t drink or do drugs in college. [00:12:22] In fact, I actually… [00:12:23] Because I got into punk rock when I was in college, I referred to myself as straight [00:12:26] edge. [00:12:27] Woo! [00:12:28] And it takes a really special kind of denial to get fucked up on pills while calling yourself [00:12:32] straight edge. [00:12:33] And I was so fucked up, and I couldn’t fall asleep, and I was depressed, and I realized [00:12:41] I just want to stop. [00:12:44] I don’t care if I live, I don’t care if I die, I don’t care if I fall asleep, I just [00:12:47] want to stop. [00:12:48] And I’ve been abusing them for like a year and a half, two years. [00:12:51] So I took a few, and went to bed, and I woke up what felt like half an hour or so later, [00:13:01] threw up, and then went back to bed. [00:13:04] Because I was so fucked up, I didn’t think, oh, there’s a problem here. [00:13:08] In fact, I remembered that how I threw up looked like black coffee grounds coming out [00:13:14] of me. [00:13:16] And then I thought, wait, that’s right! [00:13:18] Ambien makes you hallucinate! [00:13:20] There’s no way I threw up black coffee grounds! [00:13:23] And I remembered getting it all in the toilet. [00:13:26] I didn’t get it all in the toilet. [00:13:29] It looked like someone had taken a can of black spray paint to my bathroom. [00:13:35] Do it! [00:13:36] And I was so stuck in my own life and my own struggles, it was this thing that I’ve [00:13:41] talked five people out of killing themselves in my life. [00:13:45] Woo! [00:13:46] And not counting myself, to be clear. [00:13:49] I’ve done that plenty of times. [00:13:53] And the inability to talk about things has so shaped my life. [00:13:57] In fact, the car accident my dad died in when I was 11 was actually a suicide. [00:14:03] Aww. [00:14:06] That he had left a note, and only my mom and my uncle knew about it for 25 years. [00:14:13] And folks, I am so goddamn thankful I learned that when I was unemployed. [00:14:17] Yeah. [00:14:18] Because imagine making that call off. [00:14:21] Yeah, hey, it’s Zach. [00:14:22] I need a day off or two. [00:14:24] I just found out my dad killed himself. [00:14:26] When? [00:14:27] 25 years ago? [00:14:35] Uh, no, no, no, no, I knew he was dead. [00:14:38] No, it’s not that part. [00:14:39] No. [00:14:45] And the HR person doesn’t know what to do. [00:14:48] So they put you on hold. [00:14:50] Then the hold music starts playing, and it’s Cats in the Cradle. [00:15:02] And then they get back to you, and they’re like, [00:15:06] Yeah, sorry, old family secrets aren’t in the Lowe’s handbook. [00:15:13] You have to come mix paint tomorrow. [00:15:15] Yeah. [00:15:16] Yeah. [00:15:17] And then, you know, we don’t really talk about traumatic stuff in our lives. [00:15:20] So word would get around work, and some well-meaning person would get me a sympathy card. [00:15:24] You know, it’d be Garfield. [00:15:26] And the outside of the card says, [00:15:28] So, you have to recontextualize 25 years of childhood trauma. [00:15:31] You open it up, the inside of the card says, [00:15:34] But at least it’s not a Monday. [00:15:40] And the crazy thing, again, folks, because we aren’t, we don’t, let me talk about this. [00:15:44] My dad didn’t get the help he needed, because he felt like he couldn’t talk about this. [00:15:48] In his letter, he said, don’t tell anyone I did this. [00:15:51] My mom held on to this. [00:15:55] And my mom’s plan was actually to take this to the grave. [00:15:58] She was never going to tell anybody, as he requested. [00:16:01] But during the torture, [00:16:03] There’s some, I’ve heard some crazy shit in here. [00:16:05] I heard someone once say, you know, if I haven’t learned it about myself in 49 years, I don’t need to know it. [00:16:12] And I just want to be like, I will do it. [00:16:13] I just want to be like, I will donate my year’s salary for you to go to therapy right now. [00:16:17] Four months straight. [00:16:19] Holy shit. [00:16:20] There is some crazy shit that happens here. [00:16:22] And everybody, I mean, I think, I’m a big proponent of therapy. [00:16:26] Does everybody, anybody here go in therapy? [00:16:32] Do we like our therapists? [00:16:34] Are we fans? [00:16:35] Yeah? [00:16:36] That’s good. [00:16:37] I’m recently with a new therapist. [00:16:38] I like them so far. [00:16:40] You don’t need to know who they are. [00:16:42] Yeah. [00:16:43] It’s a secret. [00:16:44] I treat a therapist like a punk band. [00:16:46] Someone’s like, who’s your therapist? [00:16:47] I’m like, you fucking haven’t heard of them. [00:16:49] Get out of here. [00:16:52] You know what I mean? [00:16:54] Because I had a therapist the first time that I was like, well, maybe I can’t figure this all out as a white man. [00:17:00] You know? [00:17:01] Maybe I should talk to someone. [00:17:02] I went to a therapist who was about to retire. [00:17:06] So good. [00:17:07] Yeah. [00:17:08] They’re in it. [00:17:09] But I went, oh, this is going to be a good therapist. [00:17:12] He’s a rabbi, right? [00:17:13] I mean, he’s going to, you know, he’s a therapist and a rabbi. [00:17:16] I’m going to get spiritual. [00:17:17] I’m going to get clinical. [00:17:18] I’m going to get a guy that would agree to see me on his lunch break. [00:17:22] That’s how he fit me into his schedule. [00:17:24] And he ate lunch every session. [00:17:26] And I remember being in there and talking about something. [00:17:29] And I go, you know, my brother and I shared a room for 18 years. [00:17:32] I was saying something along the lines of this. [00:17:34] Like, my brother and I shared a room for 18 years. [00:17:36] But we never really had a conversation, which is like a breakthrough for me. [00:17:41] And I looked over and he was reading the cap of his Snapple. [00:17:45] And I was like, fuck, what do I need to bring up for him to be like, well, I’ll read this thing about how platypuses run fast later. [00:17:54] Like, fuck that. [00:17:56] Two levels of drinking. [00:17:58] And that was first drink of the night and blackout drunk buying switchblades on Amazon. [00:18:04] Does everybody here know that you can buy a switchblade on Amazon? [00:18:08] Everyone? [00:18:09] Yes. [00:18:10] One person. [00:18:11] Just one person. [00:18:12] Well, here’s a little bit of information for you. [00:18:15] Even if you don’t have Prime, they give you free shipping when you buy 24 of them. [00:18:22] Yeah. [00:18:23] You’re like, hey, make it worth my while, you know. [00:18:26] Because here’s how much I used to drink. [00:18:29] I was at a barbecue when I drank. [00:18:31] And they were talking about opening an Amazon fulfillment center near where I live. [00:18:35] And people were going, it’s going to fuck up the neighborhood. [00:18:37] It’s going to be bad for the road. [00:18:39] Here’s how much I drank. [00:18:40] I defended Amazon, everybody. [00:18:42] I heard them saying that and I was like, Jeff needs me. [00:18:45] Come on. [00:18:46] Amazon is the greatest thing to ever happen to the world. [00:18:51] You can buy anything there. [00:18:52] Duh. [00:18:53] I bet you could buy switchblades. [00:18:55] And then I pulled out my phone and then it was tomorrow. [00:18:58] And then the day after that, there was a box on my porch. [00:19:06] And this happened a lot when I drank. [00:19:08] So I was like, ooh, I got myself a present. [00:19:09] All right. [00:19:10] What’s in here? [00:19:11] 24 switchblades. [00:19:12] Fucking weird, but okay. [00:19:13] And I didn’t do the smart thing with them, you know. [00:19:14] I didn’t take them to Whole Foods and one by one put them into the box and send them [00:19:15] back, you know. [00:19:16] I was about to go out and do some shows on the road. [00:19:17] And I went, I know what I’ll do. [00:19:18] I’ll write my Instagram handle on them and sell them as merch. [00:19:19] That’ll be hilarious. [00:19:20] People will love that. [00:19:21] And I was doing shows where I was openly drinking. [00:19:22] And I’d go, I got switchblades. [00:19:23] And I’d go, I got switchblades. [00:19:24] And I’d go, I got switchblades. [00:19:25] And I’d go, I got switchblades. [00:19:26] And I’d go, I got switchblades. [00:19:27] And I’d go, I got switchblades. [00:19:39] And I’d go, I got switchblades. [00:19:52] And I’d go, I got switchblades. [00:20:02] And I’d go, I got switchblades.