Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jGmNfDfUT5M Starts at: 03:01:15 (jump to 03:01:15)
Carter Flay — Spirituality, Mental Illness & Finding Ground
[03:01:15] hey [03:01:15] oh I like that polo I like that [03:01:23] polo [03:01:33] hello hello yeah thanks before we get started can I get a little shout out to [03:01:43] my mom right there [03:01:51] um I was having a [03:01:53] tough time for a stretch of several years. Mom took NAMI classes to better support me. [03:02:03] Thank you, Mom. Thank you. Okay. Okay. This is like a little speech sort of deal. So I’m [03:02:14] going to talk about the crossroads of mental illness and spirituality. Okay. So who has [03:02:23] struggled with mental illness? Okay. Thank you for your candidness. And who has done [03:02:32] some spiritual exploration? Awesome. Who has done some spiritual exploration while struggling [03:02:44] with mental illness? Okay. So I’m going to talk about the crossroads of mental illness [03:02:44] mental illness. It’s fun, right? It’s a good time. So I’m gonna share my [03:02:52] experience. I’m gonna do it as respectfully as possible. I’m gonna talk [03:02:55] about some religious stuff and how it affected me. I’m gonna try to be as [03:03:01] respectful as possible. Okay. So the beginnings of my spiritual curiosity [03:03:07] came through athletes. Remember, you know, Ray Lewis. Can someone do the dance? Yeah. [03:03:13] Yeah. It was 2012 and, you know, he was always very passionate about his faith [03:03:24] and he announced it would be his year of retirement and he leaned, he prayed so [03:03:29] hard before every game and he took us and won our city a Super Bowl and it was [03:03:34] incredible. And I was like, what’s this, what’s this spirituality thing? Steph [03:03:39] Curry. Every time he makes a three-pointer, what does he do? [03:03:43] … [03:03:43] , something like that. So then, of course, the guys like Gandhi, Martin Luther King, [03:03:51] people like Harriet Tubman, all, you know, they attribute their success to a higher [03:04:00] power and, you know, that got my, that got my attention. So I saw people [03:04:09] leaning on a higher power to achieve great things and I wanted to see what [03:04:13] that was like. And that started kind of late high school, early college, trying to [03:04:19] figure out what I want to do, who I wanted to be, what the heck is going on [03:04:23] in, like, life and existence and… So naturally, I tried to attend, like, a [03:04:31] couple different religious services, had a lot of conversations, you know, tried [03:04:37] the Buddhist thing, tried the Hindu thing, tried Christianity, Islam, you know, all of that. [03:04:39] … [03:04:40] … [03:04:40] … [03:04:41] … [03:04:41] … [03:04:42] … [03:04:42] … [03:04:43] … [03:04:43] … [03:04:43] … [03:04:44] … [03:04:45] … [03:04:46] … [03:04:46] … [03:04:46] … [03:04:47] … [03:04:49] … [03:04:50] … [03:04:50] … [03:04:50] … [03:04:53] … [03:04:53] … [03:04:54] … [03:04:54] … [03:04:55] … [03:04:55] And all this was happening at the onset of mental health symptoms. So long bouts [03:05:02] of depression, mood swings, erratic and impulsive behavior [03:05:08] … [03:05:08] … [03:05:08] … [03:05:09] … [03:05:10] … [03:05:10] … [03:05:10] … [03:05:10] … [03:05:10] … [03:05:10] … [03:05:10] … [03:05:11] … [03:05:12] … [03:05:12] … [03:05:12] … [03:05:12] … [03:05:12] … [03:05:12] … [03:05:13] … [03:05:13] … [03:05:13] and a spiritual exploration coupled with the onset of mental illness [03:05:20] looked like walking around in the middle of the night [03:05:23] asking God for answers in neighborhoods that I probably shouldn’t have been in. [03:05:32] Being very impulsive, I visited a mosque to learn more about Islam [03:05:38] and came home Muslim. [03:05:43] I, you know, I have so much respect for the people I met. [03:05:48] The decision was a little impulsive, I must say. [03:05:54] Judging friends and family for not being on the path that I thought I was on. [03:06:03] You know, when these mental health crises came and I had these racing thoughts [03:06:09] and before I thought, you know, maybe I need more sleep, [03:06:12] maybe I need to sleep. [03:06:13] Maybe I need to sleep. [03:06:13] I thought, I need a fucking exorcism right now. [03:06:19] Yeah. [03:06:22] I’d walk around interpreting everything I saw as communication from God. [03:06:27] I would see birds fly and go, oh, I’m going to go this way. [03:06:31] I’d walk and see a stop sign and I’m walking and I’m like, God wants me to stop. [03:06:38] And I’d be 45 minutes late to work. [03:06:40] And, you know, so many self-help books and spiritual guidance books, [03:06:52] they’ll toss out this phrase, faith or fear. [03:06:57] In any moment, you can either have faith or you can have fear. [03:07:01] I was like, hell yeah. [03:07:04] Ah, shit. [03:07:05] Okay. [03:07:05] And believing that statement, everything that I’ve done, [03:07:10] I’ve done, I’ve done, I’ve done, I’ve done. [03:07:10] And if I saw and was terrified of, I’d take it as a test of faith and try to do it. [03:07:17] In some, in like social instances, this could be very positive, you know. [03:07:21] Oh, I don’t want to go up and sing karaoke. [03:07:23] Okay, I’ll do it. [03:07:24] Or the dance floor. [03:07:25] Oh, I’m so afraid. [03:07:26] I’ll do it. [03:07:27] But when it’s, oh, that person is about to jump off the Bay Bridge. [03:07:32] I’m afraid of doing that. [03:07:34] Do I, do I need to jump off the Bay Bridge? [03:07:36] And it was, it was, it was that example that shook me to my core and made me realize I might need [03:07:48] to reevaluate my relationship with a higher power. [03:07:51] And it shook me so much that it made the advice that my therapist gave me that much more powerful. [03:08:02] She said, Carter, put, put spirituality. [03:08:06] Take it all and just put it in a little box for now. [03:08:10] Put it in a box. [03:08:12] Use your reason. [03:08:13] Use your logic. [03:08:14] And when you’re stable, you can explore that. [03:08:18] But just put it aside. [03:08:20] Put it aside. [03:08:21] So I did. [03:08:23] And life got a lot simpler. [03:08:28] At this point, I had been in a residential mental health facility for about a year. [03:08:34] And after this, I kind of started making more progress. [03:08:36] Whereas, I once, you know, surrendered my fate to a higher power. [03:08:51] I just started making my own decisions, started using my logic, my reason. [03:08:57] I felt more and more empowered. [03:08:59] I started investing my time and energy in the things that I could see. [03:09:06] My mom. [03:09:13] Thanks, guys. [03:09:16] No relationships with friends. [03:09:18] My job. [03:09:19] My health. [03:09:19] Do I need to keep it? [03:09:20] Okay. [03:09:22] And after, like, months of taking these little baby steps, I’m really enjoying a quality of life that I didn’t think would be possible. [03:09:32] Any Harry Potter fans? [03:09:34] Harry Potter fans? [03:09:35] All right. [03:09:35] So, you know, there’s wizards, right? [03:09:37] And there’s muggles. [03:09:39] I wouldn’t be a wizard really bad, [03:09:41] but I really found my groove in the muggle life. [03:09:43] Yeah, in the muggle life. [03:09:48] And, of course, really, really leaning into therapy, medicine. [03:09:56] The next part, you know, [03:09:59] religion is pretty prominent in society sometimes, [03:10:02] and it can be really uplifting and inspiring, [03:10:06] and it can also cause people with mental illness [03:10:08] to misinterpret things and do some dangerous stuff. [03:10:14] Do I need to? [03:10:15] Okay. [03:10:16] I need to keep… [03:10:17] What? [03:10:19] Okay, okay. [03:10:29] I got a little bit more. [03:10:30] I got a little bit more. [03:10:32] Shit, okay. [03:10:37] So, yeah, stories in the Bible about miracles are inspiring [03:10:42] and might make people try to stop storms with their hands and words [03:10:49] and walk on water and stuff. [03:10:54] Yeah. [03:10:56] Be careful what you say, like, religiously around people with mental illness [03:10:59] because it can be distorted. [03:11:01] And, um… [03:11:02] And a few final words. [03:11:04] Don’t be afraid to put God in a box. [03:11:07] God can handle it. [03:11:09] If taking a break from spirituality helps you become more grounded, [03:11:13] stable, and capable of helping others in concrete ways, [03:11:17] then it might be the holiest thing you could possibly do. [03:11:21] And for those who are looking for truth and trying to figure it all out, [03:11:26] from my experience, there are no beliefs required, [03:11:30] zero beliefs, [03:11:31] to love, [03:11:32] and to be of service. [03:11:34] Thank you. [03:11:34] Thank you. [03:11:37] That was dope.