Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aw8NW7bQXJg Starts at: 02:29:35 (jump to 02:29:35)
Brown Paper Doll – Poetry on ADHD, Rejection, and Identity
[02:29:35] okay yeah that was dope for just find out you had to do that right yeah give it up a juice box right [02:29:46] nervousness fear anxiety it don’t stop you when you got your truth to speak [02:29:52] oh i get this one great [02:29:58] all right folks uh we’ve got a few more artists to go if you would like to get up you don’t have to [02:30:04] come up [02:30:05] feel inspired, motivated to speak your truth, please sign up. The list is back at the door [02:30:10] with the raffle tickets. Raffle tickets, please. All right. So coming to the stage is, and [02:30:18] she’s looking at me with her eyes. She’s like, you better not get my name wrong. I mean your [02:30:25] ponytail. I don’t know. You tell me. All right. Coming to the stage, brown paper doll. [02:30:42] I don’t think I’ve ever taken those seriously. I think I just always step up on the stage. Yeah. [02:30:49] Oh my God. So you know what, for everybody who wants to, so I’ve had two, these guys approached [02:30:54] me tonight. One of them, [02:30:55] asked me about one on burpees, which I posted a reel about. One of them just said, Oh, do you [02:30:59] want me to move this? Cause I just posted this funny one about how my friend never moves the [02:31:02] mic stand. Like my reels. If you’re going to be talking about to my face, like my stuff. Okay. [02:31:09] Speaking of which, um, you can find me on IG at brown paper doll poetry. I am brown paper doll [02:31:14] and I am a poet. Okay. Um, so my friend Artie and I are a part of rap is poetry, which you can [02:31:21] find at rap is poetry for 10. Okay. [02:31:25] Um, so right now I’m just going to talk a little bit kind of about my journey. And, um, I have a piece [02:31:30] that I’m going to read that I actually wrote because somebody told me that I grind their gears. [02:31:35] Right. So this was like a couple years ago and Artie was there. And, um, I didn’t know about [02:31:41] rejection sensitivity dysphoria at that time. Okay. So I have ADHD. I did not find out to the [02:31:48] ripe old age of about 32. Okay. I have two neurodivergent children. Um, my son has [02:31:55] Asperger’s or what they formerly called Asperger’s. My daughter is, is hyper-intelligent. She has ADHD [02:31:59] minus age, just like mom. Okay. So that’s why I’m doing one arm burpees. All right. Just trying to [02:32:04] kind of stay sane in this world. Um, there’s a fear of yourself, um, that happens, uh, because [02:32:13] you have such a degree of impulsivity. And one of the factors that goes along with ADHD is something [02:32:19] called rejection sensitivity dysphoria, which is really like a, almost like a physical pain, [02:32:25] associated with just feeling rejected. Um, there’s a lot of emotional dysregulation that I didn’t even [02:32:31] understand was a problem. There was a long time where I thought it was other people because I [02:32:35] speak so well, I sometimes was able to convince them that it was them, you know? Um, and, um, now [02:32:42] I’m kind of confronting that. So that’s what this piece has become about for me. Um, and I just want [02:32:47] to kind of share that with you guys. I am still looking for where I’m stuck. [02:32:55] I had a dream where I watched a woman follow her younger self from toddler to teen, toe to heel. [02:33:06] And I knew she was trying to get back there too, to the stuck place, the origin point of all wound, all [02:33:13] defensiveness, indecision, insecurity, self-hatred. And like them girls that be going to Miami, I’m in my head [02:33:23] screaming, take me back. [02:33:25] Just tell me where it hurts. But I can’t. I just know I’ve never learned to sit completely still. [02:33:33] Both my mind and heart race at an exhausting pace and I still can’t keep up. [02:33:38] I can’t keep up appearances, but I know that’s what they want. And there are days when I am whatever you say I am. [02:33:47] Days when I’m resigned. [02:33:51] I am guilty of seeking acceptance in exchange for slithering. [02:33:54] I am guilty of seeking acceptance in exchange for slithering. [02:33:54] I am guilty of seeking acceptance in exchange for slithering. [02:33:55] I am guilty of seeking acceptance in exchange for slithering. [02:33:57] But wearing a mask will always be a sort of lion in a poorly latched cage, at least for me. [02:34:01] But wearing a mask will always be a sort of lion in a poorly latched cage, at least for me. [02:34:04] And then it’s, why can’t you be what we expected you to be? [02:34:09] And I cry sometimes because nobody ever sees me, and that sends me into a spiral, makes me wonder if I’m there. [02:34:17] If it matters that I care. [02:34:20] I know now that I raised a vibration. [02:34:24] That my concise articulation causes intimidation. [02:34:30] But no one gave me a volume setting on my muchness. [02:34:35] Everybody hates me and everybody loves me and nobody gets it’s for the same reason. [02:34:41] I try my best not to take offense to those who misinterpret my intent. [02:34:46] And trauma makes me run back to explain to you what’s wrong with your vision. [02:34:50] But I know it’s based on what you’ve seen. [02:34:53] And I say this with pride and sometimes shame. [02:34:57] I am not like anyone else. [02:34:59] Thank y’all. [02:35:01] Yeah. [02:35:04] I’ll grind your gears, okay? [02:35:06] That was not nice that he said that to me. [02:35:08] But yeah, I didn’t realize at the time and I understood, I began to understand that I was a people pleaser. [02:35:14] But I didn’t realize at the time that that piece was even about kind of rejection, sensitivity, dysphoria, suppression. [02:35:20] You know, the suppression of. [02:35:23] And the way you learn to mask. [02:35:25] You know what I mean? [02:35:26] And trying to figure out how to stop and be your true self. [02:35:29] And then I have just a small piece that I want to read that’s about kind of coming out of that. [02:35:35] And the pressures of, you know, I understand that I don’t appear. [02:35:41] I literally don’t look like where I come from. [02:35:44] I don’t wear what I’ve been through. [02:35:46] And sometimes that puts people in the position of thinking that I have it more together than I do. [02:35:52] And then I. [02:35:53] Constantly, you know, berated with more and more and more. [02:35:55] And they don’t understand why I can’t meet the goal. [02:35:59] So, yeah, there’s that. [02:36:02] People want to put me on their pedestals. [02:36:06] Do you know what that feels like? [02:36:08] Pressure, pressure, pressure. [02:36:10] I don’t need to be a diamond. [02:36:13] During peak admiration, there is no space to move. [02:36:17] While balancing on tiptoes up there where they placed me. [02:36:22] I don’t need. [02:36:23] To be a ballerina. [02:36:24] So oftentimes I rebel in a defiant act of self-preservation. [02:36:29] Or self-sabotage. [02:36:32] Adoration equals expectation. [02:36:34] That’s a losing game. [02:36:36] Let me be different. [02:36:37] I don’t need to be the same. [02:36:38] Thank y’all. [02:36:40] That’s another fear. [02:36:41] I always talk too much. [02:36:42] Somebody come up here and get this mic. [02:36:44] Please. [02:36:44] Please. [02:36:47] Thanks so much, guys. [02:36:50] We appreciate your honesty. [02:36:53] Give it up for her one more time, y’all. [02:36:56] Yeah.