A spoken-word artist performing under the name ‘Brown Paper Doll’ shares two original poems exploring her late ADHD diagnosis at age 32, rejection sensitivity dysphoria, emotional dysregulation, masking, and the pressure of others’ expectations. Between poems she speaks candidly about her journey toward self-understanding, people-pleasing, and learning to embrace her authentic self.
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Transcript
[02:29:35] okay yeah that was dope for just find out you had to do that right yeah give it up a juice box right
[02:29:46] nervousness fear anxiety it don’t stop you when you got your truth to speak
[02:29:52] oh i get this one great
[02:29:58] all right folks uh we’ve got a few more artists to go if you would like to get up you don’t have to
[02:30:04] come up
[02:30:05] feel inspired, motivated to speak your truth, please sign up. The list is back at the door
[02:30:10] with the raffle tickets. Raffle tickets, please. All right. So coming to the stage is, and
[02:30:18] she’s looking at me with her eyes. She’s like, you better not get my name wrong. I mean your
[02:30:25] ponytail. I don’t know. You tell me. All right. Coming to the stage, brown paper doll.
[02:30:42] I don’t think I’ve ever taken those seriously. I think I just always step up on the stage. Yeah.
[02:30:49] Oh my God. So you know what, for everybody who wants to, so I’ve had two, these guys approached
[02:30:54] me tonight. One of them,
[02:30:55] asked me about one on burpees, which I posted a reel about. One of them just said, Oh, do you
[02:30:59] want me to move this? Cause I just posted this funny one about how my friend never moves the
[02:31:02] mic stand. Like my reels. If you’re going to be talking about to my face, like my stuff. Okay.
[02:31:09] Speaking of which, um, you can find me on IG at brown paper doll poetry. I am brown paper doll
[02:31:14] and I am a poet. Okay. Um, so my friend Artie and I are a part of rap is poetry, which you can
[02:31:21] find at rap is poetry for 10. Okay.
[02:31:25] Um, so right now I’m just going to talk a little bit kind of about my journey. And, um, I have a piece
[02:31:30] that I’m going to read that I actually wrote because somebody told me that I grind their gears.
[02:31:35] Right. So this was like a couple years ago and Artie was there. And, um, I didn’t know about
[02:31:41] rejection sensitivity dysphoria at that time. Okay. So I have ADHD. I did not find out to the
[02:31:48] ripe old age of about 32. Okay. I have two neurodivergent children. Um, my son has
[02:31:55] Asperger’s or what they formerly called Asperger’s. My daughter is, is hyper-intelligent. She has ADHD
[02:31:59] minus age, just like mom. Okay. So that’s why I’m doing one arm burpees. All right. Just trying to
[02:32:04] kind of stay sane in this world. Um, there’s a fear of yourself, um, that happens, uh, because
[02:32:13] you have such a degree of impulsivity. And one of the factors that goes along with ADHD is something
[02:32:19] called rejection sensitivity dysphoria, which is really like a, almost like a physical pain,
[02:32:25] associated with just feeling rejected. Um, there’s a lot of emotional dysregulation that I didn’t even
[02:32:31] understand was a problem. There was a long time where I thought it was other people because I
[02:32:35] speak so well, I sometimes was able to convince them that it was them, you know? Um, and, um, now
[02:32:42] I’m kind of confronting that. So that’s what this piece has become about for me. Um, and I just want
[02:32:47] to kind of share that with you guys. I am still looking for where I’m stuck.
[02:32:55] I had a dream where I watched a woman follow her younger self from toddler to teen, toe to heel.
[02:33:06] And I knew she was trying to get back there too, to the stuck place, the origin point of all wound, all
[02:33:13] defensiveness, indecision, insecurity, self-hatred. And like them girls that be going to Miami, I’m in my head
[02:33:23] screaming, take me back.
[02:33:25] Just tell me where it hurts. But I can’t. I just know I’ve never learned to sit completely still.
[02:33:33] Both my mind and heart race at an exhausting pace and I still can’t keep up.
[02:33:38] I can’t keep up appearances, but I know that’s what they want. And there are days when I am whatever you say I am.
[02:33:47] Days when I’m resigned.
[02:33:51] I am guilty of seeking acceptance in exchange for slithering.
[02:33:54] I am guilty of seeking acceptance in exchange for slithering.
[02:33:54] I am guilty of seeking acceptance in exchange for slithering.
[02:33:55] I am guilty of seeking acceptance in exchange for slithering.
[02:33:57] But wearing a mask will always be a sort of lion in a poorly latched cage, at least for me.
[02:34:01] But wearing a mask will always be a sort of lion in a poorly latched cage, at least for me.
[02:34:04] And then it’s, why can’t you be what we expected you to be?
[02:34:09] And I cry sometimes because nobody ever sees me, and that sends me into a spiral, makes me wonder if I’m there.
[02:34:17] If it matters that I care.
[02:34:20] I know now that I raised a vibration.
[02:34:24] That my concise articulation causes intimidation.
[02:34:30] But no one gave me a volume setting on my muchness.
[02:34:35] Everybody hates me and everybody loves me and nobody gets it’s for the same reason.
[02:34:41] I try my best not to take offense to those who misinterpret my intent.
[02:34:46] And trauma makes me run back to explain to you what’s wrong with your vision.
[02:34:50] But I know it’s based on what you’ve seen.
[02:34:53] And I say this with pride and sometimes shame.
[02:34:57] I am not like anyone else.
[02:34:59] Thank y’all.
[02:35:01] Yeah.
[02:35:04] I’ll grind your gears, okay?
[02:35:06] That was not nice that he said that to me.
[02:35:08] But yeah, I didn’t realize at the time and I understood, I began to understand that I was a people pleaser.
[02:35:14] But I didn’t realize at the time that that piece was even about kind of rejection, sensitivity, dysphoria, suppression.
[02:35:20] You know, the suppression of.
[02:35:23] And the way you learn to mask.
[02:35:25] You know what I mean?
[02:35:26] And trying to figure out how to stop and be your true self.
[02:35:29] And then I have just a small piece that I want to read that’s about kind of coming out of that.
[02:35:35] And the pressures of, you know, I understand that I don’t appear.
[02:35:41] I literally don’t look like where I come from.
[02:35:44] I don’t wear what I’ve been through.
[02:35:46] And sometimes that puts people in the position of thinking that I have it more together than I do.
[02:35:52] And then I.
[02:35:53] Constantly, you know, berated with more and more and more.
[02:35:55] And they don’t understand why I can’t meet the goal.
[02:35:59] So, yeah, there’s that.
[02:36:02] People want to put me on their pedestals.
[02:36:06] Do you know what that feels like?
[02:36:08] Pressure, pressure, pressure.
[02:36:10] I don’t need to be a diamond.
[02:36:13] During peak admiration, there is no space to move.
[02:36:17] While balancing on tiptoes up there where they placed me.
[02:36:22] I don’t need.
[02:36:23] To be a ballerina.
[02:36:24] So oftentimes I rebel in a defiant act of self-preservation.
[02:36:29] Or self-sabotage.
[02:36:32] Adoration equals expectation.
[02:36:34] That’s a losing game.
[02:36:36] Let me be different.
[02:36:37] I don’t need to be the same.
[02:36:38] Thank y’all.
[02:36:40] That’s another fear.
[02:36:41] I always talk too much.
[02:36:42] Somebody come up here and get this mic.
[02:36:44] Please.
[02:36:44] Please.
[02:36:47] Thanks so much, guys.
[02:36:50] We appreciate your honesty.
[02:36:53] Give it up for her one more time, y’all.
[02:36:56] Yeah.