Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aw8NW7bQXJg Starts at: 02:24:11 (jump to 02:24:11)
Juice Box (Trevor) – Spoken Word on Fear and Recovery
[02:24:11] okay hold on hold on hold on before you come out what’s your name what’s your name [02:24:16] hold on no no no don’t say don’t say what’s your name no no no don’t tell her tell me tell me [02:24:23] sit back down [02:24:32] okay coming to the stage i want y’all to give it up for juice box [02:24:41] hello everyone my name is trevor aka juice box i was told yesterday that i am going to be [02:25:03] performing to fill in cat’s place those are big shoes to fill um i’m feeling a lot of fear right now [02:25:11] now but luckily i wrote a [02:25:14] piece on how i feel about fear and how much i let it take away from me [02:25:19] it’s not memorized so please give me the grace of pulling out my phone [02:25:23] i am very sorry about that [02:25:31] all right with that being said i titled this [02:25:36] the category is fear i was told quite literally and literally [02:25:39] yet and in a minute or two minutes or so i just wanted to get to know you and get to know THE. [02:25:40] Quite literally yesterday, prior to this event [02:25:43] that I am going to presenting a spoken word piece, [02:25:47] my initial reaction upon this proposal was fuck no, [02:25:51] absolutely not, I can’t do that. [02:25:54] A few minutes passed, and upon second thought, [02:25:58] I took a dive into the depths of self-introspection [02:26:02] and told myself, if there is one thing you’re born with, [02:26:06] it’s the right to speak your truth, [02:26:08] so why is it when I’m given the opportunity [02:26:10] to do so at an event that is called speak your truth, [02:26:16] my visceral reaction not only is externally, [02:26:19] but internally cringe enabling. [02:26:23] The answer is simple, yet so complicated at times. [02:26:29] That answer being fear. [02:26:31] Fear is such a powerful being that has its benefits, [02:26:34] of course, but with a compromise. [02:26:39] It’s a great fuel [02:26:40] for the beginning of change, [02:26:41] I know that’s what led me to becoming clean. [02:26:46] But with that being said, [02:26:48] it’s sustainability burns out [02:26:50] quicker than me on a bad day in the Wendy’s drive-thru [02:26:52] ordering a four for four biggie bag [02:26:54] after getting rejected from the man [02:26:56] who made eye contact with me for two seconds [02:26:58] after I came to the conclusion that he must be my soulmate. [02:27:05] I fear that I don’t deserve love. [02:27:08] I fear that I will go back to my old, what is it. [02:27:09] my old maladaptive behaviors. [02:27:12] I fear that I won’t ever be good enough, [02:27:15] but the reality is I’ve always had a choice. [02:27:20] I’ve always had a say in what I believe. [02:27:22] I just chose to listen to that quiet, [02:27:26] yet so loud voice of fear that whispers in my ear [02:27:29] so seductively, a voice that sounds just like mine and says, [02:27:32] take what the fuck you can get [02:27:33] because this is the best you’re gonna do. [02:27:35] The sad part is that I believe that voice. [02:27:45] All of its sweet nothings that it had promised me, [02:27:48] all of the things that I would never be, could never do, [02:27:50] wasn’t worthy of, and the list goes on. [02:27:53] But that’s only if I sit here and I continue to let it. [02:27:59] At that point, I have resigned my life away [02:28:01] to the fictional beliefs that I have romanticized [02:28:03] and chosen to see over the actual [02:28:05] reality of the world that I live in. [02:28:09] Now, with that being said, I want to say this. [02:28:13] I am not a victim of the circumstances [02:28:17] that I have created for myself. [02:28:19] Let me reiterate that. [02:28:22] We, the people in this room right now, [02:28:26] are not victims of the circumstances [02:28:28] we have created for ourselves that have been driven by fear. [02:28:32] I stand up here today to share my message [02:28:34] about what has propelled [02:28:35] the most groundbreaking changes in my life, [02:28:38] the last 375 days, nine hours and some change [02:28:41] of staying clean from drugs and alcohol. [02:28:48] Thank you. [02:28:50] And if nothing else, [02:28:52] you get to look at me being anxious for a few minutes, [02:28:54] so it’s a win-win at the end of the day. [02:28:58] On a more serious note, this right here, [02:29:01] what I’m doing right now, is not only looking fear, right now, [02:29:03] is not only looking fear, right now, [02:29:04] is not only looking fear, right now, [02:29:05] and fear right in the face and saying try me try again it’s trevor lawrence hayes aka [02:29:13] juicebox don’t get the name twisted reclaiming the power the experiences the opportunities [02:29:19] the connection not romantic ones though because i have no business entertaining those right now [02:29:26] that i allowed fear to rob me of thank you