Trevor, known as ‘Juice Box,’ delivers an impromptu spoken word piece on fear and recovery after being asked to fill in for another performer the day before. He reflects on how fear has governed his self-worth and behaviors, and celebrates 375 days of sobriety from drugs and alcohol as evidence that he is actively reclaiming power over his own narrative.
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Transcript
[02:24:11] okay hold on hold on hold on before you come out what’s your name what’s your name
[02:24:16] hold on no no no don’t say don’t say what’s your name no no no don’t tell her tell me tell me
[02:24:23] sit back down
[02:24:32] okay coming to the stage i want y’all to give it up for juice box
[02:24:41] hello everyone my name is trevor aka juice box i was told yesterday that i am going to be
[02:25:03] performing to fill in cat’s place those are big shoes to fill um i’m feeling a lot of fear right now
[02:25:11] now but luckily i wrote a
[02:25:14] piece on how i feel about fear and how much i let it take away from me
[02:25:19] it’s not memorized so please give me the grace of pulling out my phone
[02:25:23] i am very sorry about that
[02:25:31] all right with that being said i titled this
[02:25:36] the category is fear i was told quite literally and literally
[02:25:39] yet and in a minute or two minutes or so i just wanted to get to know you and get to know THE.
[02:25:40] Quite literally yesterday, prior to this event
[02:25:43] that I am going to presenting a spoken word piece,
[02:25:47] my initial reaction upon this proposal was fuck no,
[02:25:51] absolutely not, I can’t do that.
[02:25:54] A few minutes passed, and upon second thought,
[02:25:58] I took a dive into the depths of self-introspection
[02:26:02] and told myself, if there is one thing you’re born with,
[02:26:06] it’s the right to speak your truth,
[02:26:08] so why is it when I’m given the opportunity
[02:26:10] to do so at an event that is called speak your truth,
[02:26:16] my visceral reaction not only is externally,
[02:26:19] but internally cringe enabling.
[02:26:23] The answer is simple, yet so complicated at times.
[02:26:29] That answer being fear.
[02:26:31] Fear is such a powerful being that has its benefits,
[02:26:34] of course, but with a compromise.
[02:26:39] It’s a great fuel
[02:26:40] for the beginning of change,
[02:26:41] I know that’s what led me to becoming clean.
[02:26:46] But with that being said,
[02:26:48] it’s sustainability burns out
[02:26:50] quicker than me on a bad day in the Wendy’s drive-thru
[02:26:52] ordering a four for four biggie bag
[02:26:54] after getting rejected from the man
[02:26:56] who made eye contact with me for two seconds
[02:26:58] after I came to the conclusion that he must be my soulmate.
[02:27:05] I fear that I don’t deserve love.
[02:27:08] I fear that I will go back to my old, what is it.
[02:27:09] my old maladaptive behaviors.
[02:27:12] I fear that I won’t ever be good enough,
[02:27:15] but the reality is I’ve always had a choice.
[02:27:20] I’ve always had a say in what I believe.
[02:27:22] I just chose to listen to that quiet,
[02:27:26] yet so loud voice of fear that whispers in my ear
[02:27:29] so seductively, a voice that sounds just like mine and says,
[02:27:32] take what the fuck you can get
[02:27:33] because this is the best you’re gonna do.
[02:27:35] The sad part is that I believe that voice.
[02:27:45] All of its sweet nothings that it had promised me,
[02:27:48] all of the things that I would never be, could never do,
[02:27:50] wasn’t worthy of, and the list goes on.
[02:27:53] But that’s only if I sit here and I continue to let it.
[02:27:59] At that point, I have resigned my life away
[02:28:01] to the fictional beliefs that I have romanticized
[02:28:03] and chosen to see over the actual
[02:28:05] reality of the world that I live in.
[02:28:09] Now, with that being said, I want to say this.
[02:28:13] I am not a victim of the circumstances
[02:28:17] that I have created for myself.
[02:28:19] Let me reiterate that.
[02:28:22] We, the people in this room right now,
[02:28:26] are not victims of the circumstances
[02:28:28] we have created for ourselves that have been driven by fear.
[02:28:32] I stand up here today to share my message
[02:28:34] about what has propelled
[02:28:35] the most groundbreaking changes in my life,
[02:28:38] the last 375 days, nine hours and some change
[02:28:41] of staying clean from drugs and alcohol.
[02:28:48] Thank you.
[02:28:50] And if nothing else,
[02:28:52] you get to look at me being anxious for a few minutes,
[02:28:54] so it’s a win-win at the end of the day.
[02:28:58] On a more serious note, this right here,
[02:29:01] what I’m doing right now, is not only looking fear, right now,
[02:29:03] is not only looking fear, right now,
[02:29:04] is not only looking fear, right now,
[02:29:05] and fear right in the face and saying try me try again it’s trevor lawrence hayes aka
[02:29:13] juicebox don’t get the name twisted reclaiming the power the experiences the opportunities
[02:29:19] the connection not romantic ones though because i have no business entertaining those right now
[02:29:26] that i allowed fear to rob me of thank you