Patrick Finn delivers a deeply personal spoken-word testimony at SYT 2023, sharing his journey through bipolar disorder with psychotic features, PTSD, an eating disorder, self-harm, gender identity exploration, and multiple suicide attempts, ultimately arriving at a faith-centered understanding of identity and purpose. His narrative threads together loss, spiritual crisis, transgender identity, and Christian faith as interlocking forces that shaped his recovery and self-conception.
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Transcript
[01:28:00] Ooh, and with more time to spare.
[01:28:03] Prayer?
[01:28:04] Yes.
[01:28:04] Prayer?
[01:28:05] Yeah.
[01:28:09] Yeah, like snap it.
[01:28:11] Like, like just jam it?
[01:28:13] Yeah.
[01:28:15] Damn right.
[01:28:17] Exactly.
[01:28:20] I’m smart.
[01:28:20] I got a Masters Degree.
[01:28:22] I swear.
[01:28:23] I swear.
[01:28:24] Actually, I’m a licensed clinical social worker and do provide therapy at an agency that I’m
[01:28:28] not affiliated with to-night’s.
[01:28:30] Because I’m here with NAMI.
[01:28:32] But guess who gave you guys some fans?
[01:28:35] Brexton health care shameless plug time so we are introducing a NAMI
[01:28:44] participants yes but before that I’d like to remind you guys that we have a
[01:28:51] raffle for multiple items for goodies on this side here raffle tickets are two
[01:28:57] four five and five twenty four ten and for the folks that did pre-purchase
[01:29:06] their tickets they get a chance to win target gift card Walmart gift card and
[01:29:11] our my specially crafted wellness gift card which contains a whole food gift
[01:29:16] card in there as well so if you pre-purchase your tickets I need to see
[01:29:20] that proof thank you but coming to the stage is Patrick Finn
[01:29:26] give it up for Patrick Finn
[01:29:27] how much time do I got five minutes I’m gonna pause for a second
[01:29:57] thank you
[01:30:14] thank you
[01:30:17] thank you
[01:30:25] I love you guys so much
[01:30:27] bipolar one with psychotic features, PTSD, and overcome eating disorder, and I’m a mess.
[01:30:36] I started my life in a fine home, and I wasn’t raised a Christian,
[01:30:46] but I found Christianity when I was 16.
[01:30:50] It was amazing.
[01:30:53] And then my mom died in my arms.
[01:30:58] I found to strive into the Lord more and more, but the world got in the way.
[01:31:04] The world wanted to let me know what it was.
[01:31:07] I got on fire, and I fell back in, one foot in, one foot out.
[01:31:13] And then I started to fall more.
[01:31:16] I have over 1,000 scars on my body.
[01:31:19] One time I would like to broke my leg with a hammer.
[01:31:22] I lost myself.
[01:31:24] I had no idea who I was, of what I wanted to be in this world,
[01:31:27] so I tried to create.
[01:31:28] I tried to create all the different vices for what I was supposed to do.
[01:31:32] And by 2015, I found it.
[01:31:37] Everything clicked.
[01:31:39] I found out that I was transgender.
[01:31:43] Everything clicked.
[01:31:44] I realized who this person was, and this was seven years of my life.
[01:31:51] Two suicide attempts for hospital inhabitants.
[01:31:58] My hand was handcuffed twice.
[01:32:02] This is who I am.
[01:32:03] Then COVID came around, and I was like, I’m gonna be me, me.
[01:32:09] For three days straight.
[01:32:10] No one’s around.
[01:32:11] I’m homebound.
[01:32:12] I’m supposed to be here.
[01:32:16] Man, I was gorgeous.
[01:32:19] I knew my way around makeup.
[01:32:21] I knew everything about it.
[01:32:24] And I was, you know…
[01:32:25] And I would lean down to pick something up,
[01:32:26] this is not what I want for you and my heart sank I was like no that can’t be
[01:32:33] true that’s not true no so I went away from that for a while for two years I
[01:32:38] was half one foot in one foot out and then I read a book I was on the floor I
[01:32:44] felt it was on the ground I didn’t know why I was there but I picked it up and
[01:32:48] in that book was this I know your works you’re neither hot nor cold would you
[01:32:56] were neither so because you’re a lukewarm and either hot or cold I will
[01:33:00] spit you out of my mouth and it floored me
[01:33:11] I said you are everything so I gave and I said my life is over it’s not about me
[01:33:21] it’s never been it’s never been I took everything
[01:33:26] out even an earring I was praising and I put my hands through my hair and I
[01:33:31] said what’s this and the Lord said what if you got rid of that too and I said
[01:33:35] why people know me by that it’s an arrow and he said do they know me by that take
[01:33:39] it it’s not about me then one day when I was at work I messed up a project and I
[01:33:45] said I’ve never been good at this job I should go tell my boss he should find
[01:33:51] somebody better than me so I went around I’m like you know what I should just go hang myself in the air and I’ll be good
[01:33:55] myself and then at that last time I heard in my brain it said
[01:33:58] praise my name now. And I dropped my
[01:34:03] arms and I said praise the Lord Jesus.
[01:34:07] And everything left. All those fears. Everything left. Because it’s
[01:34:11] never been about me. Because by sacrificing everything about who I was
[01:34:15] I became eternal.
[01:34:20] It’s never been about me. I’m not
[01:34:23] determined by my own circumstance or what a day can do to me or by somebody
[01:34:27] cutting me off in traffic. Somebody cuts me off and I say oh they know who they are.
[01:34:30] They should just like, somebody should arrest them. No. That’s entitlement.
[01:34:36] Lord bless that person. May they experience
[01:34:38] love in such an amazing way that they know your truth
[01:34:42] and your love.
[01:34:46] I’m here to speak my truth but I’m here to speak that he is the way. He is the
[01:34:50] truth. He is the life. Thank you.
[01:34:53] That was emotional.