Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aw8NW7bQXJg Starts at: 01:21:00 (jump to 01:21:00)
Steve Hall (Gray Smith) – Spoken Word on Addiction and Recovery
[01:21:00] That was dope. [01:21:01] Thank you. [01:21:07] It’s nice to see y’all here. [01:21:10] I know it’s hot in here. [01:21:11] It’s probably going to get a little hotter, okay? [01:21:14] But just, you know, be open. [01:21:15] And I was handing out fans. [01:21:16] Some people were like, no, I don’t want one. [01:21:19] I was like, but you, you’re hot. [01:21:21] I know it’s hot. [01:21:22] I got a fan right here for me. [01:21:25] And then I got a fan facing the crowd. [01:21:26] So you are welcome for that. [01:21:28] But if you guys want some, they’re on the table by the camera. [01:21:32] Okay? [01:21:34] So. [01:21:35] Yes. [01:21:36] I guess I will introduce them. [01:21:37] This next guy. [01:21:38] There you go. [01:21:42] All right. [01:21:42] So this guy who’s coming up next. [01:21:44] We used to go to school with each other. [01:21:46] You know, he’s an all right dude. [01:21:48] He’s okay. [01:21:49] He’s okay. [01:21:50] I mean, he’s a CEO of some organization. [01:21:53] No, sorry. [01:21:53] CEO of Glass House, which is a recovery treatment center in Ellicott City that tailors to addiction treatment for artists. [01:22:05] So I think it was something that was really nice. [01:22:07] And he just came through and last year was the first time he came up on Speak Your Truth. [01:22:14] But this guy actually is pretty much a big deal. [01:22:16] He went to New York, got a record deal. [01:22:18] He has a great voice, many talents. [01:22:21] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Steve Hall. [01:22:32] I was going to come up here and say I worked at a place called Glass House. [01:22:35] And it’s fucking. [01:22:37] It’s a hell of an introduction from my buddy. [01:22:40] Yeah. [01:22:40] By by school, he means college. [01:22:42] And I am a person in long term recovery. [01:22:47] When I went back to college, I had track marks in the cuticles of my fingernails and I used to steal my mom’s foundation makeup to cover it up. [01:22:56] So all the ultra white kids at AACC wouldn’t figure out that I didn’t belong there. [01:23:02] And it worked. [01:23:04] They never caught me. [01:23:05] But it was it was a cool experience. [01:23:07] I am bipolar type two or bipolar NOS, depending on which physician you talk to. [01:23:17] I am an alumni of the prestigious Sheltonham Youth Facility, colloquially known as Boys Village. [01:23:27] I have never stepped foot in a high school other than to pick up my niece that one time. [01:23:34] But that was a different story. [01:23:36] My. [01:23:36] My. [01:23:37] My music superhero name is Gray Smith. [01:23:40] Gray’s with an E. [01:23:41] My daughter’s here, Ramona. [01:23:43] Hey, how you doing? [01:23:45] Look at that. [01:23:50] She’s always watching me do cool stuff. [01:23:52] All right. [01:24:01] I wrote I wrote this piece thinking about being in one of the. [01:24:06] Being in one of those facilities I was in as a kid and then I kind of went from there. [01:24:10] God. [01:24:15] Send someone to get me out of here because I’m tired of trying to sleep and it’s hard to breathe when the water is so deep lately, I’m drowning here. [01:24:23] I’m in the dark. [01:24:24] I guess you live and learn. [01:24:26] But I like the way with the fire from every bridge I ever burned because I had to learn the hard way just with life was. [01:24:31] If you love something, let it go. [01:24:34] If it comes back, then pick a knife up. And if you don’t, then you’re dead. [01:24:34] If it comes back, then pick a knife up. [01:24:35] And if you don’t, then you’re dead. [01:24:35] And if you don’t, then you’re dead. [01:24:36] And if you don’t, then you’re dead. [01:24:36] You’ve never told a lie. [01:24:37] You’ve never been in love. [01:24:39] Just be yourself, Steve. [01:24:40] Like I ever knew the fuck that really was. [01:24:43] Because sure, I got a gun, but I never talked it in my belt and half the guns I’ve ever held. [01:24:47] I fucking pointed at myself and someone else’s life was always more attractive. [01:24:52] A better life and trying to get ahead in life felt just like moving backwards. [01:24:55] What comes after you sold your soul to get reaction and try to get it back from God. [01:25:00] But when he asked to get his back turned to your last words trapped in a bathroom, searching my foot for vain. [01:25:06] The veins were falling together and falling apart. [01:25:08] They often looked the same. [01:25:10] I took the pain and packed it in syringes. [01:25:13] But half of it was masked beneath the blasphemy of asking for forgiveness from the pastors and the women always laughing as they listened to the madness of a bastard headed back and forth to prison. [01:25:23] And I know you forgot my voice, but I hope you hear me now. [01:25:27] I wrote these notes in case I’m not here in a year from now because I’m tired of dreaming when I’m wide awake and saying I’m OK. [01:25:34] Man, one of these days. [01:25:35] I’m going to fly away. [01:25:42] I remember the frozen steps and the cold stairs and the methadone and my breath in the cold air and being dope sick in a cell holding my head up with both hands and the frail ones afraid. [01:25:53] But they played it off, acting brave to the plague and stuck in their head like their favorite song. [01:25:57] The eulogy walking dead, forgetting what they used to be dying to live a life on the other side of a losing streak. [01:26:04] The layoffs, the cold shoulder. [01:26:05] The rosary, the weak ones in another 10 year old got a sentence, but couldn’t read one. [01:26:10] My dad left to be an astronaut and got lost somewhere in outer space. [01:26:14] He vanished without a trace. [01:26:16] He just couldn’t stick around to watch him grow up and bought him a gun and blew his fucking thoughts in the sun. [01:26:21] Daydreamer. [01:26:24] Everything was all good just a week ago. [01:26:27] It’s unbelievable how people come and people go to face their dreams and then stop breathing from a lethal dose and they dispose the needles. [01:26:35] And just leave you in the freezing cold betrayal. [01:26:38] I had to learn to live with this shit. [01:26:40] Or pull the knife out my back and just cut my wrists with this shit. [01:26:44] Now should I carve you out my heart for all that shit that you did? [01:26:46] Or should I just close up the scar and then forgive and forget? [01:26:51] But what’s the difference in love and drugs? [01:26:54] Pain, breakdowns, or breakthroughs, or when I hate you but I’m not giving up on us until it’s done. [01:27:00] Cause what the fuck’s commitment if the minute it gets tough, you run? [01:27:05] Told me to stop wishing. [01:27:06] The clock’s ticking. [01:27:07] You’re not missing your shot and you’re not quitting. [01:27:09] It’s God giving. [01:27:10] You’re not giving up. [01:27:11] If shit is tough, then I will walk with you. [01:27:14] And I’ll be sleeping on the floor in the studio till the song’s finished. [01:27:17] I can’t live in this world. [01:27:19] Forgive me. [01:27:19] I forgot to pray. [01:27:21] Oh my Lord, they should have killed me when I lost my faith. [01:27:23] When all the shame from when I just wanted to walk away was on my face. [01:27:28] I wonder what God will say when he calls my name. [01:27:31] Thank you. [01:27:35] Wow. [01:27:49] That was awesome. [01:27:52] Ladies and gentlemen, again, for Grace Smith, please. [01:27:56] Yeah.