Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d4RysJspGE4 Starts at: 03:03:18 (jump to 03:03:18)
Innocence — Spoken Word and Children’s Book ‘A Case of the Zachleys’
[03:03:18] I’m a mic controller, so you know I’m always ready to hold the mic. [03:03:22] Hello everybody, my name is Innocence, and I was invited to come to this, I guess a few months ago when you guys were here, [03:03:30] and we were given the honor of handing out some backpacks to the less privileged after the show, [03:03:35] and it was a very rewarding experience, and we got to meet some really awesome people doing so. [03:03:40] And I would just like to say that it is pretty freaking awesome that people can come together and talk about mental illness, [03:03:46] and it not be a pity party, or made you feel like we’re weak, or we’re less than. [03:03:55] I have been diagnosed with mental illness since I was 15 years old, [03:03:59] and throughout the years it’s been a different diagnosis based on what’s going on in my life, [03:04:05] or how smart the doctor was, or where I was at. [03:04:09] So I was a victim of childhood trauma. [03:04:13] I was sexually molested for seven years by someone. [03:04:16] He was supposed to protect me. [03:04:17] And when I was old enough to believe it was not going to happen to me anymore, [03:04:22] what happened to my little sister, I finally told on the person and stood up for that, [03:04:26] so that it didn’t happen to her. [03:04:28] And by doing that, I lost my entire family, because I brought shame to our family. [03:04:37] So I have 16 brothers and sisters, and a mother and a father, and aunts and uncles, and cousins, [03:04:43] and from May 25th of 19… [03:04:46] 1992, it’s been me and my little sister, pretty much. [03:04:49] And it’s okay though, because we’re better for it. [03:04:53] And it’s their loss. [03:04:58] So I am Atlas of the World’s mom, and I am Beansleeve’s big sister. [03:05:04] I wrote this poem when I was dealing with dual diagnosis, which is controlled substance disorder, and a mental illness. [03:05:14] If those that don’t know what that is. [03:05:15] If those that don’t know what that is. [03:05:16] They’ll know what dual diagnosis means. [03:05:18] I have been clean for four years, three months, and 10 days. [03:05:26] And I wrote this poem when Atlas was a baby. [03:05:29] And so I’m going to read it to you, and then I’m going to read you a children’s book that I’ve just finished. [03:05:33] That is, I just sent it to the Library of Congress for copyright, [03:05:37] and I’m going to have it published very soon. [03:05:42] I crept in for just a moment to watch his chest rise, [03:05:45] I gently kissed his forehead and I prayed a silent prayer thanking God for my perfect gift. [03:05:53] I knew as I left for the streets to make ends meet, I was already forgiven for the sins that awaited me. [03:05:58] See, desperate times called for desperate measures, and where I’m from, there’s two lives one must live. [03:06:03] One that’s socially acceptable of lies and deceit, and one that’s real and lived in the streets. [03:06:09] With my hoodie for warmth and my Timbs laced up tight in case 5-0 tries to score, [03:06:13] Mary J. Blige and Method Man echo in my mind, you’re all I need to get by. [03:06:19] For music helps to soothe the soul and clear the conscience and is my only friend on these lonely strips. [03:06:25] I wasn’t brought up to sell drugs, it was never even addressed. [03:06:28] But a lengthy list of life’s hard knocks deemed it my only quest. [03:06:32] Once I was a scholar, I was dressed to impress. [03:06:36] Then came the facade of true love, a swollen belly, madness, and stress. [03:06:40] Now my only awareness is my child doing what’s best. [03:06:43] Me understanding it takes way more than a 40-hour work week and a simple handout. [03:06:48] Some quick the judge refused to comprehend that a hustler can be a Christian, a teacher, a mother, and a friend. [03:06:54] In my shoes, you’ve never walked, nor could you, and survived. [03:06:57] It takes way more than a degreer with whom you socialize. [03:07:01] So as the 50 from the fiend’s hand passes to mine, I realized then it would be another’s or it’s mine. [03:07:06] I didn’t make the game, nor its many rules. [03:07:08] I sat back in silence, took note for one sin I couldn’t lose. [03:07:11] I watched a many fool make a dollar. [03:07:13] It was about a 15 cent. [03:07:14] I realized I too could do this, for I had to pay the rent. [03:07:16] I ask you this. [03:07:17] Have you ever had to stand in a social services line to be told, sorry, miss, we can’t help you at this time? [03:07:23] Have you lived off oodles and noodles and eggs for weeks while wiping tear-stained cheeks off a child who deserves way more to eat? [03:07:30] Have you read to your child by flashlight because your electricity was cut off? [03:07:33] Have you contemplated suicide because you felt you played the game and lost? [03:07:38] Well, question-marked innocence is how I label myself. [03:07:41] There’s no other way to deal with the hands. [03:07:42] There’s no other way to deal with the hands. [03:07:43] There’s no other way to deal with the hands. [03:07:43] There is a way to deal with the hands. [03:07:44] It’s not an easy profession, nor a simple cop-out. [03:07:46] It’s reality. [03:07:47] It’s what my life’s about. [03:07:48] As dawn breaks its home again, and my title changes back to mother slash friend. [03:07:53] And as I quietly enter in, I hit my knees and bow my head and pray another prayer to God that the lifestyle I’m in comes to a swift end. [03:08:09] Thank you. [03:08:09] Thank you. [03:08:09] Okay. [03:08:10] So, I watched my… [03:08:13] Daughter fumbled through her childhood, and then I watched her have a daughter who fumbled through her childhood. [03:08:19] And as if childhood and puberty and life isn’t hard enough, the world now has thrown this extreme bullying into the plethora of growing up. [03:08:30] And with social media, it makes it even harder, because you’re not only personally bullied, but you’re cyberbullied. [03:08:37] And so I think it is so important that self-esteem and self-love start at an early age. [03:08:42] And so I wrote this book, and I really hope that you like it, because I enjoyed writing it. [03:08:49] A Case of the Zachleys by Innocence. [03:08:52] There once was a beautiful little girl named Leah. [03:08:54] She was so very loved by all who knew her. [03:08:57] Her hair grew down her back in yellow curls, her eyes the color of blue of the waters of the Gulf of Mexico. [03:09:04] She had dimples deep in each cheek as if buttons were sewn there. [03:09:07] To her mom and granny, she was perfect in every way. [03:09:10] But to Leah, she… [03:09:12] She always felt not quite right, and definitely not perfect. [03:09:16] Leah’s earliest memories were of trial and error, or wrong or right. [03:09:20] As other kids ran gracefully to their moms on the playground, Leah would run arms wide open to her mom and boom! [03:09:26] Flat on her face she’d go. [03:09:28] Tears would well up in those beautiful blue eyes, and run down those cheeks to a puddle in her dimples, lip poked out, trying hard not to cry. [03:09:36] Her mom would run to her, scoop her up, kiss her tears, hug her close, and whisper, [03:09:40] Oh Leah, it’s just… [03:09:42] …the case of the Zachleys. [03:09:43] It’ll be alright. [03:09:46] When Leah was a bit older, she began to love to draw in color. [03:09:49] The kids in her class would finish their pictures that looked beautiful. [03:09:52] The teacher would give them gold stars and hang them on the wall of the class. [03:09:56] Leah would look down at her masterpiece and think it looked like a scribbly mess. [03:10:01] Her colors would go outside the lines, and she was afraid the teacher would not like the picture that she made and compare it to the kids in her class. [03:10:09] So Leah would ask her teacher if she could take her home to finish it. [03:10:12] Although she never brought them back. [03:10:15] Leah’s mom would find them in a pile on her desk, and make a fuss about their beauty, and hang them on the fridge. [03:10:20] Her granny would visit and ask Leah to tell her about the pictures, asking what is this, and what is that. [03:10:25] Leah would feel knots in her belly and throat, and once again tears would well up in her big blue eyes, run down her dimpled cheeks, [03:10:33] and Leah would plead her case, although she could barely speak. [03:10:36] She’d tell her granny of how her classmates were great colorers, and they always stayed inside the lines, [03:10:41] …and their pictures would go on and on. [03:10:41] Leah’s mom would tell her that her pictures got stars and hung up in class, and hers were a mess and hidden in her desk. [03:10:45] Her granny would kiss her forehead and wipe away her tears. [03:10:48] She would get Leah’s pictures and put a beautiful star on top and hang them everywhere. [03:10:52] Some she’d even frame and have Leah sign her name and say, [03:10:55] …Leah, it’s just another case of the Zachleys. [03:10:58] Leah never understood what her mom and granny were talking about. [03:11:02] Zachleys? Case of the Zachleys? [03:11:04] Zachley please? Zachley what? [03:11:06] She only knew that their words made her feel better. [03:11:09] Made her feel smart. [03:11:10] …made her feel smart. [03:11:11] …made her feel smart. [03:11:11] …made her feel safe. [03:11:12] …made her feel safe. [03:11:12] …made her feel safe. [03:11:13] …made her feel safe. [03:11:13] …made her feel safe. [03:11:14] Leah’s mom would buy Leah her favorite cereals for breakfast or late night snacks. [03:11:18] She’d even buy pints of milk instead of gallons so it would not be heavy and Leah would not make a big mess. [03:11:26] No matter how hard Leah tried to make her bowl without spilling a smorsel, [03:11:30] …each and every time there’d be a spill, sometimes a ginormous puddle and sometimes the tiniest morsel. [03:11:36] Her mama would chuckle and ask, [03:11:38] …What’s the matter, Leah? [03:11:39] …What’s the matter, Leah? [03:11:39] …What’s the matter, Leah? [03:11:40] …What’s the matter, Leah? [03:11:40] …What’s the matter, Leah? [03:11:41] …What’s the matter, Leah? [03:11:41] …What’s the matter, Leah? [03:11:42] …What’s the matter, Leah? [03:11:42] …What’s the matter, Leah? [03:11:43] …What’s the matter, Leah? [03:11:43] …What’s the matter, Leah? [03:11:44] …What’s the matter, Leah? [03:11:44] …What’s the matter, Leah? [03:11:45] …What’s the matter, Leah? [03:11:45] …What’s the matter, Leah? [03:11:46] …What’s the matter, Leah? [03:11:46] …What’s the matter, Leah? [03:11:47] …What’s the matter, Leah? [03:11:47] …What’s the matter, Leah? [03:11:48] …What’s the matter, Leah? [03:11:48] …What’s the matter, Leah? [03:11:49] …What’s the matter, Leah? [03:11:49] …What’s the matter, Leah? [03:11:50] …What’s the matter, Leah? [03:11:50] …What’s the matter, Leah? [03:11:51] …What’s the matter, Leah? [03:11:51] …What’s the matter, Leah? [03:11:52] It was then that her little cousin Bray [03:11:54] Became to stay with her, her mom and granny [03:11:56] She’d watch him trip over his own feet [03:11:58] And how he tried to hold the crayons just right [03:12:00] In color nice and neat [03:12:01] Although when the crayon hit the paper [03:12:04] It was one thin mark of color outside the lines [03:12:06] Just that she’d seen herself do so many times [03:12:09] She’d see him spill the milk [03:12:11] And have the same tears of disappointment [03:12:13] She’d hear her mom and granny tell him [03:12:15] It’s okay, that he was only five [03:12:17] That he’d grow with practice [03:12:18] And it too was a case of the Zachleys [03:12:20] So she thought long and hard [03:12:23] About the feelings that she carried [03:12:24] And she saw how her little cousin [03:12:26] Felt less than and embarrassed [03:12:28] She realized what her mom and granny [03:12:30] Had meant all along [03:12:31] A case of the Zachleys was just exactly that [03:12:34] Everybody was imperfect [03:12:36] And everybody made mistakes [03:12:38] Everybody fell once or twice [03:12:40] And spilled the milk when making cereal [03:12:42] For breakfast or snacks at night [03:12:44] That every art is beautiful [03:12:46] And each piece unique [03:12:47] Just as Leah was with her long blonde curls [03:12:50] And her long blonde curls [03:12:50] And her long blonde curls [03:12:50] Blue eyes and dimpled cheeks [03:12:52] She was exactly who she was intended to be [03:12:55] Wow, there is talent in that whole family though