A performer going by ”Innocence” delivers a two-part set: first, a raw spoken-word poem depicting the desperate realities of poverty, addiction, and survival as a young mother; then a reading of her original children”s book ”A Case of the Zachleys,” a story about self-acceptance and imperfection aimed at building self-esteem in young children. She also shares her personal history of childhood sexual trauma, family estrangement, and four years of sobriety from a dual diagnosis.’
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Transcript
[03:03:18] I’m a mic controller, so you know I’m always ready to hold the mic.
[03:03:22] Hello everybody, my name is Innocence, and I was invited to come to this, I guess a few months ago when you guys were here,
[03:03:30] and we were given the honor of handing out some backpacks to the less privileged after the show,
[03:03:35] and it was a very rewarding experience, and we got to meet some really awesome people doing so.
[03:03:40] And I would just like to say that it is pretty freaking awesome that people can come together and talk about mental illness,
[03:03:46] and it not be a pity party, or made you feel like we’re weak, or we’re less than.
[03:03:55] I have been diagnosed with mental illness since I was 15 years old,
[03:03:59] and throughout the years it’s been a different diagnosis based on what’s going on in my life,
[03:04:05] or how smart the doctor was, or where I was at.
[03:04:09] So I was a victim of childhood trauma.
[03:04:13] I was sexually molested for seven years by someone.
[03:04:16] He was supposed to protect me.
[03:04:17] And when I was old enough to believe it was not going to happen to me anymore,
[03:04:22] what happened to my little sister, I finally told on the person and stood up for that,
[03:04:26] so that it didn’t happen to her.
[03:04:28] And by doing that, I lost my entire family, because I brought shame to our family.
[03:04:37] So I have 16 brothers and sisters, and a mother and a father, and aunts and uncles, and cousins,
[03:04:43] and from May 25th of 19…
[03:04:46] 1992, it’s been me and my little sister, pretty much.
[03:04:49] And it’s okay though, because we’re better for it.
[03:04:53] And it’s their loss.
[03:04:58] So I am Atlas of the World’s mom, and I am Beansleeve’s big sister.
[03:05:04] I wrote this poem when I was dealing with dual diagnosis, which is controlled substance disorder, and a mental illness.
[03:05:14] If those that don’t know what that is.
[03:05:15] If those that don’t know what that is.
[03:05:16] They’ll know what dual diagnosis means.
[03:05:18] I have been clean for four years, three months, and 10 days.
[03:05:26] And I wrote this poem when Atlas was a baby.
[03:05:29] And so I’m going to read it to you, and then I’m going to read you a children’s book that I’ve just finished.
[03:05:33] That is, I just sent it to the Library of Congress for copyright,
[03:05:37] and I’m going to have it published very soon.
[03:05:42] I crept in for just a moment to watch his chest rise,
[03:05:45] I gently kissed his forehead and I prayed a silent prayer thanking God for my perfect gift.
[03:05:53] I knew as I left for the streets to make ends meet, I was already forgiven for the sins that awaited me.
[03:05:58] See, desperate times called for desperate measures, and where I’m from, there’s two lives one must live.
[03:06:03] One that’s socially acceptable of lies and deceit, and one that’s real and lived in the streets.
[03:06:09] With my hoodie for warmth and my Timbs laced up tight in case 5-0 tries to score,
[03:06:13] Mary J. Blige and Method Man echo in my mind, you’re all I need to get by.
[03:06:19] For music helps to soothe the soul and clear the conscience and is my only friend on these lonely strips.
[03:06:25] I wasn’t brought up to sell drugs, it was never even addressed.
[03:06:28] But a lengthy list of life’s hard knocks deemed it my only quest.
[03:06:32] Once I was a scholar, I was dressed to impress.
[03:06:36] Then came the facade of true love, a swollen belly, madness, and stress.
[03:06:40] Now my only awareness is my child doing what’s best.
[03:06:43] Me understanding it takes way more than a 40-hour work week and a simple handout.
[03:06:48] Some quick the judge refused to comprehend that a hustler can be a Christian, a teacher, a mother, and a friend.
[03:06:54] In my shoes, you’ve never walked, nor could you, and survived.
[03:06:57] It takes way more than a degreer with whom you socialize.
[03:07:01] So as the 50 from the fiend’s hand passes to mine, I realized then it would be another’s or it’s mine.
[03:07:06] I didn’t make the game, nor its many rules.
[03:07:08] I sat back in silence, took note for one sin I couldn’t lose.
[03:07:11] I watched a many fool make a dollar.
[03:07:13] It was about a 15 cent.
[03:07:14] I realized I too could do this, for I had to pay the rent.
[03:07:16] I ask you this.
[03:07:17] Have you ever had to stand in a social services line to be told, sorry, miss, we can’t help you at this time?
[03:07:23] Have you lived off oodles and noodles and eggs for weeks while wiping tear-stained cheeks off a child who deserves way more to eat?
[03:07:30] Have you read to your child by flashlight because your electricity was cut off?
[03:07:33] Have you contemplated suicide because you felt you played the game and lost?
[03:07:38] Well, question-marked innocence is how I label myself.
[03:07:41] There’s no other way to deal with the hands.
[03:07:42] There’s no other way to deal with the hands.
[03:07:43] There’s no other way to deal with the hands.
[03:07:43] There is a way to deal with the hands.
[03:07:44] It’s not an easy profession, nor a simple cop-out.
[03:07:46] It’s reality.
[03:07:47] It’s what my life’s about.
[03:07:48] As dawn breaks its home again, and my title changes back to mother slash friend.
[03:07:53] And as I quietly enter in, I hit my knees and bow my head and pray another prayer to God that the lifestyle I’m in comes to a swift end.
[03:08:09] Thank you.
[03:08:09] Thank you.
[03:08:09] Okay.
[03:08:10] So, I watched my…
[03:08:13] Daughter fumbled through her childhood, and then I watched her have a daughter who fumbled through her childhood.
[03:08:19] And as if childhood and puberty and life isn’t hard enough, the world now has thrown this extreme bullying into the plethora of growing up.
[03:08:30] And with social media, it makes it even harder, because you’re not only personally bullied, but you’re cyberbullied.
[03:08:37] And so I think it is so important that self-esteem and self-love start at an early age.
[03:08:42] And so I wrote this book, and I really hope that you like it, because I enjoyed writing it.
[03:08:49] A Case of the Zachleys by Innocence.
[03:08:52] There once was a beautiful little girl named Leah.
[03:08:54] She was so very loved by all who knew her.
[03:08:57] Her hair grew down her back in yellow curls, her eyes the color of blue of the waters of the Gulf of Mexico.
[03:09:04] She had dimples deep in each cheek as if buttons were sewn there.
[03:09:07] To her mom and granny, she was perfect in every way.
[03:09:10] But to Leah, she…
[03:09:12] She always felt not quite right, and definitely not perfect.
[03:09:16] Leah’s earliest memories were of trial and error, or wrong or right.
[03:09:20] As other kids ran gracefully to their moms on the playground, Leah would run arms wide open to her mom and boom!
[03:09:26] Flat on her face she’d go.
[03:09:28] Tears would well up in those beautiful blue eyes, and run down those cheeks to a puddle in her dimples, lip poked out, trying hard not to cry.
[03:09:36] Her mom would run to her, scoop her up, kiss her tears, hug her close, and whisper,
[03:09:40] Oh Leah, it’s just…
[03:09:42] …the case of the Zachleys.
[03:09:43] It’ll be alright.
[03:09:46] When Leah was a bit older, she began to love to draw in color.
[03:09:49] The kids in her class would finish their pictures that looked beautiful.
[03:09:52] The teacher would give them gold stars and hang them on the wall of the class.
[03:09:56] Leah would look down at her masterpiece and think it looked like a scribbly mess.
[03:10:01] Her colors would go outside the lines, and she was afraid the teacher would not like the picture that she made and compare it to the kids in her class.
[03:10:09] So Leah would ask her teacher if she could take her home to finish it.
[03:10:12] Although she never brought them back.
[03:10:15] Leah’s mom would find them in a pile on her desk, and make a fuss about their beauty, and hang them on the fridge.
[03:10:20] Her granny would visit and ask Leah to tell her about the pictures, asking what is this, and what is that.
[03:10:25] Leah would feel knots in her belly and throat, and once again tears would well up in her big blue eyes, run down her dimpled cheeks,
[03:10:33] and Leah would plead her case, although she could barely speak.
[03:10:36] She’d tell her granny of how her classmates were great colorers, and they always stayed inside the lines,
[03:10:41] …and their pictures would go on and on.
[03:10:41] Leah’s mom would tell her that her pictures got stars and hung up in class, and hers were a mess and hidden in her desk.
[03:10:45] Her granny would kiss her forehead and wipe away her tears.
[03:10:48] She would get Leah’s pictures and put a beautiful star on top and hang them everywhere.
[03:10:52] Some she’d even frame and have Leah sign her name and say,
[03:10:55] …Leah, it’s just another case of the Zachleys.
[03:10:58] Leah never understood what her mom and granny were talking about.
[03:11:02] Zachleys? Case of the Zachleys?
[03:11:04] Zachley please? Zachley what?
[03:11:06] She only knew that their words made her feel better.
[03:11:09] Made her feel smart.
[03:11:10] …made her feel smart.
[03:11:11] …made her feel smart.
[03:11:11] …made her feel safe.
[03:11:12] …made her feel safe.
[03:11:12] …made her feel safe.
[03:11:13] …made her feel safe.
[03:11:13] …made her feel safe.
[03:11:14] Leah’s mom would buy Leah her favorite cereals for breakfast or late night snacks.
[03:11:18] She’d even buy pints of milk instead of gallons so it would not be heavy and Leah would not make a big mess.
[03:11:26] No matter how hard Leah tried to make her bowl without spilling a smorsel,
[03:11:30] …each and every time there’d be a spill, sometimes a ginormous puddle and sometimes the tiniest morsel.
[03:11:36] Her mama would chuckle and ask,
[03:11:38] …What’s the matter, Leah?
[03:11:39] …What’s the matter, Leah?
[03:11:39] …What’s the matter, Leah?
[03:11:40] …What’s the matter, Leah?
[03:11:40] …What’s the matter, Leah?
[03:11:41] …What’s the matter, Leah?
[03:11:41] …What’s the matter, Leah?
[03:11:42] …What’s the matter, Leah?
[03:11:42] …What’s the matter, Leah?
[03:11:43] …What’s the matter, Leah?
[03:11:43] …What’s the matter, Leah?
[03:11:44] …What’s the matter, Leah?
[03:11:44] …What’s the matter, Leah?
[03:11:45] …What’s the matter, Leah?
[03:11:45] …What’s the matter, Leah?
[03:11:46] …What’s the matter, Leah?
[03:11:46] …What’s the matter, Leah?
[03:11:47] …What’s the matter, Leah?
[03:11:47] …What’s the matter, Leah?
[03:11:48] …What’s the matter, Leah?
[03:11:48] …What’s the matter, Leah?
[03:11:49] …What’s the matter, Leah?
[03:11:49] …What’s the matter, Leah?
[03:11:50] …What’s the matter, Leah?
[03:11:50] …What’s the matter, Leah?
[03:11:51] …What’s the matter, Leah?
[03:11:51] …What’s the matter, Leah?
[03:11:52] It was then that her little cousin Bray
[03:11:54] Became to stay with her, her mom and granny
[03:11:56] She’d watch him trip over his own feet
[03:11:58] And how he tried to hold the crayons just right
[03:12:00] In color nice and neat
[03:12:01] Although when the crayon hit the paper
[03:12:04] It was one thin mark of color outside the lines
[03:12:06] Just that she’d seen herself do so many times
[03:12:09] She’d see him spill the milk
[03:12:11] And have the same tears of disappointment
[03:12:13] She’d hear her mom and granny tell him
[03:12:15] It’s okay, that he was only five
[03:12:17] That he’d grow with practice
[03:12:18] And it too was a case of the Zachleys
[03:12:20] So she thought long and hard
[03:12:23] About the feelings that she carried
[03:12:24] And she saw how her little cousin
[03:12:26] Felt less than and embarrassed
[03:12:28] She realized what her mom and granny
[03:12:30] Had meant all along
[03:12:31] A case of the Zachleys was just exactly that
[03:12:34] Everybody was imperfect
[03:12:36] And everybody made mistakes
[03:12:38] Everybody fell once or twice
[03:12:40] And spilled the milk when making cereal
[03:12:42] For breakfast or snacks at night
[03:12:44] That every art is beautiful
[03:12:46] And each piece unique
[03:12:47] Just as Leah was with her long blonde curls
[03:12:50] And her long blonde curls
[03:12:50] And her long blonde curls
[03:12:50] Blue eyes and dimpled cheeks
[03:12:52] She was exactly who she was intended to be
[03:12:55] Wow, there is talent in that whole family though