Beans Lee, a regular open-mic attendee living with manic depression, anxiety, fibromyalgia, Lyme’s disease, and chronic pain, delivers a deeply personal set of spoken-word pieces including a reading on the paradox of anxiety and depression, a poem about her 2020 voluntary psychiatric hospitalization (‘Sitting’), and a poem about the invisible daily toll of chronic illness and mental health stigma (‘Sidelines’). She closes with a candid personal reflection on losing multiple friends to suicide and her gratitude for still being alive.
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Transcript
[02:35:05] Hey, coming to the stage
[02:35:07] I want y’all to give it up for Beans Lee
[02:35:11] Give it up for her y’all
[02:35:12] Yes
[02:35:21] It’s your turn, girl
[02:35:34] I’m gonna get you out of here
[02:35:35] First off, you’re gonna tell me
[02:35:36] That you can sell me some
[02:35:37] What’s dope
[02:35:37] Open mics
[02:35:38] Been coming for many years
[02:35:42] I haven’t missed too many of them
[02:35:43] And if you’ve ever seen me before and before
[02:35:44] I do very vivid sexual poetry
[02:35:46] But tonight I’m in a different atmosphere
[02:35:48] So, we are going to do some
[02:35:51] mental awareness I deal with manic depression anxiety and multiple other
[02:35:58] issues so this one is not a poem but I came across that this week and I knew
[02:36:04] that it would be good to read it says having anxiety and depression is like
[02:36:09] being scared and tired at the same time it’s the fear of failure but no urge to
[02:36:16] be productive it’s wanting friends but hate socializing it’s someone it’s it’s
[02:36:22] wanting to be alone but not wanting to be lonely it’s caring about everything
[02:36:28] and then caring about nothing at all it’s feeling everything at once and
[02:36:34] they’re feeling paralyzingly numb but most people don’t and won’t never
[02:36:39] understand even worse they won’t even try or don’t understand the patient
[02:36:45] that they’re dealing with and they’re dealing with the patient that they’re dealing with
[02:36:46] that it takes to deal with someone with mental health conditions back in
[02:36:57] December of 2020 I admitted myself into a mental ward I was there for about one
[02:37:05] week and it was because I was dealing with anxiety I could not for some reason
[02:37:11] I could not get myself out of that
[02:37:15] in my life at that moment and I went five days without one week of sleep I
[02:37:20] thought I was going to die I really did so that’s what I ended up doing for
[02:37:26] myself and it’s the best thing I’ve ever done but about a week after I came
[02:37:34] home I sat there in my room and I wrote this poem it’s called sitting sitting
[02:37:40] within these walls my room is located down the hall my anxiety was at an all-time high
[02:37:45] that I had to go into a mental ward for a few days that’s the real reason that I went away
[02:37:52] went through more than I could ever dreamt of hearing people screaming at the top of their
[02:37:56] lungs one getting so out of control they strapped her down to a bed feeling her life
[02:38:02] in her head with dread new doctors new meds praying to God that this works mental illness
[02:38:10] is so real I can tell by the way that I feel I never want to go back that was so
[02:38:15] whack
[02:38:15] even though I met some cool peeps we colored played bingo did puzzles and we even danced to
[02:38:22] in to music with the disco ball the hours went by so slow as if there was time was a standstill
[02:38:29] thank God for health insurance because I wasn’t ready for that bill been home for
[02:38:34] almost a week taking one day at a time so far the meds are working I keep telling myself to
[02:38:40] stay strong so nothing else goes wrong time will tell so far I have not felt
[02:38:45] sitting within these walls my room was located down the hall
[02:38:55] this one is called sitting I also am fully disabled I deal with two types of chronic
[02:39:02] pain disorders I had fibromyalgia as well as Lyme’s disease
[02:39:07] and I also deal with memory loss so that’s why I always have my phone this one’s called sitting I
[02:39:14] mean sorry sidelines
[02:39:15] while sitting on the sidelines looking in I must admit to all my family and friends I
[02:39:21] can see the look of doubt with written all over their face even though they claim that is not the case
[02:39:28] some say it must be nice to sleep all day while others say it’s just an excuse so you
[02:39:34] don’t have to work well I hope you know that those words hurt try walking a day into my
[02:39:39] shoes I guarantee you by the end of the day you will be singing the blues don’t let my smiling face
[02:39:44] my poetry confuse you, because a lot of times all you hear about is sex and my rhymes.
[02:39:53] I want my family and friends to understand that living every day with mantis and depression
[02:39:58] does not well go with today’s society.
[02:40:02] Then on top of that, dealing with two types of chronic pain disorders, now that’s insane,
[02:40:07] fibromyalgia and Lyme’s, those are the name of mine.
[02:40:11] I also have two discs that lay on my spine.
[02:40:13] There are days that I can barely walk up the stairs, and at any given time,
[02:40:18] it may hurt to sit, stand, walk, even to shake a hand.
[02:40:23] It takes me forever to get myself together.
[02:40:26] I just want to shower and get, sometimes just showering and getting dressed is a mess.
[02:40:32] The pain by then is at an all-time high, and that’s even with pain pills.
[02:40:36] So by then, I know it’s best that I just rest.
[02:40:38] So believe me when I say that there is not one single day that I don’t pray,
[02:40:43] and without God, I know for a fact that I would not be standing up here today.
[02:40:49] I wish I could get up and go to work.
[02:40:52] I wish all my meds didn’t make me stay asleep or, some days, wired,
[02:40:57] but through it all, I tried my hardest to stay inspired.
[02:41:00] I’m not looking for sympathy, just real understanding,
[02:41:03] and if you still have questions, meet me on the sidelines, because that will be where I’m standing.
[02:41:08] Thank you for watching!
[02:41:12] Thank you for watching!
[02:41:12] Thank you for watching!
[02:41:13] Thank you for watching!
[02:41:13] Thank you for watching! Thank you for watching!
[02:41:13] Thank you for watching! Thank you for watching!
[02:41:14] Thank you for watching! Thank you for watching!
[02:41:15] I wanna thank everybody that put on this event because I’m very privileged to be standing up here.
[02:41:22] I know that everyone that’s came out here either deals
[02:41:25] with mental health on their own or knows somebody that does.
[02:41:28] I’ve 40 years old.
[02:41:30] I have lost multiple friends due to suicide.
[02:41:34] And I deal with all types of thoughts on my own, but I’m glad that I’m still here.
[02:41:41] Thank you.
[02:41:43] God bless you.
[02:41:43] Yes, yes, we are glad you’re here too
[02:41:49] I’m glad you shared those poems