Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d4RysJspGE4 Starts at: 01:32:30 (jump to 01:32:30)
Joe Gagliardi — Stand-Up Comedy
[01:32:30] So, coming to the stage, I want y’all to give it up for Joe Gagliardi! [01:32:38] Thanks very much, gang. Appreciate that. [01:32:43] Thank you, thank you, thank you. [01:32:45] Yeah, sure. Is that a thermometer? What is that? Oh, that’s a timer? [01:32:48] It looks like a thermometer. It could be a thermometer. [01:32:52] Some of you may notice that I’m wearing shorts. [01:32:56] That’s kind of a no-no in the stand-up comedy world. [01:32:58] But this is called Speak Your Truth, right? I’m fat and I sweat. [01:33:02] What do you want? You know what I’m saying? [01:33:03] I mean, it’s either this or the person after me would have to swim up here. [01:33:06] I’m just saying. It’s not good. [01:33:08] I’ve already changed shirts twice, just so you know. [01:33:11] I want to acknowledge the clipboard up here, right up front, guys. [01:33:13] I was in the Marine Corps, and one of the things they don’t put on the recruiting posters [01:33:17] is you’re going to get hit in the head a bunch. [01:33:18] So, memory is not a strong suit of mine. [01:33:22] So, you boys got to keep a little list. [01:33:23] Give it up for Tyler and Nami. This is a great cause. [01:33:26] Appreciate y’all being out here. [01:33:28] Really outstanding stuff. [01:33:33] I think there’s been a lot of emotional stuff prior to this. [01:33:37] I think we’re going to reset the energy a little bit. [01:33:38] So, I want everybody to put your hands together, rub them together. [01:33:41] Rub your hands together. Get them nice and warm. [01:33:43] Okay? Get them nice and warm. [01:33:45] Put them over your eyes. Take a deep breath in. [01:33:49] Let it out. [01:33:51] And now for some dick jokes. [01:33:54] Knock, knock. No, I’m just kidding. [01:33:56] Oh, my God. [01:33:58] Before we get too far. [01:33:58] Before we get too far into this, guys. [01:33:59] Anybody here like me to keep their wife’s name out of my mouth? [01:34:02] Any, uh, just say any Will Smiths out there? [01:34:07] Anyone rush the stage? [01:34:08] I mean, I was in the Marine Corps. You’re welcome to try. [01:34:10] I’m just saying. [01:34:11] I slap back is the problem. [01:34:13] So, no, but I don’t think anybody’s going to be rushing the stage here, guys. [01:34:16] I like to do a smart brand of comedy. [01:34:17] I think you’ll all enjoy it. [01:34:21] Did y’all ever notice how every fart sounds a little different? [01:34:25] Right? [01:34:25] They’re like snowflakes. [01:34:27] You know? [01:34:27] I mean, there’s beauty in the world if you look for it. [01:34:29] I’m just saying. [01:34:31] It’s the kind of stuff that makes a fella believe in God, you know? [01:34:34] Oh, that’s classic stuff. [01:34:36] I appreciate y’all. [01:34:37] I appreciate the opportunity to do stand-up live whenever I can. [01:34:40] The last couple of years have been tough for us local stand-ups, [01:34:43] or as many of us have been called, door dashers. [01:34:49] I’m tired of bringing you people your food, if I’m being honest. [01:34:53] We can get my pronouns out of the way right up front, guys. [01:34:55] I’ll go by he, him, fuckface. [01:34:57] Feel free to use those however you see fit. [01:34:59] My prepositions are with and from, if anybody’s looking for prepositions. [01:35:04] Anybody’s comfortable sharing, by all means. [01:35:06] Just saying. [01:35:10] As I mentioned, I was in the Marine Corps. [01:35:12] People ask me all the time, they say, Joe, what it’s like to be a Marine? [01:35:15] The best I can tell you is imagine being out of breath for five years is pretty much like what? [01:35:19] Pretty much what it’s like. [01:35:21] I mean, I got out of the Marines in 2008. [01:35:23] I just stopped sweating. [01:35:26] Not that long ago. [01:35:27] It’s actually why I work. [01:35:27] I wear this hat because I’m out of shape and I sweat. [01:35:30] I know what you’re, I’m 40 now, and I know what you’re thinking. [01:35:33] You’re like, wait, did he say he’s 40, but his hat’s on backwards? [01:35:35] I thought he was like 17, but no, I’m just, just a really cool 40 year old when it comes down to. [01:35:42] I turned 40 over the summer, and that was kind of a weird transition. [01:35:45] Thanks very much, Tyler. [01:35:46] I appreciate that, buddy. [01:35:47] It’s good stuff. [01:35:47] The slow creep of death just sort of doing its thing, you know? [01:35:53] It was intense. [01:35:54] I don’t know what happened. [01:35:54] I turned 40 and overnight I started calling guys younger than me, young man. [01:35:57] Like out of nowhere. [01:35:58] You know what I mean? [01:35:59] It’s like the oldest thing I’ve ever done. [01:36:01] Absolutely ridiculous. [01:36:02] 40 is an interesting age because that’s when I’m noticing my goals are very different in [01:36:08] my 40s than they were like in my teens or 20s. [01:36:10] When I was a young man in my teens or 20s, I don’t know, my loftiest aspiration was like, [01:36:16] I don’t know, maybe have a threesome someday or something like that. [01:36:18] I don’t know. [01:36:19] Probably something in that realm. [01:36:21] And now at 40, it’s like getting a good deal on the TV. [01:36:24] That can be quite the thrill. [01:36:25] You know what I’m saying? [01:36:27] Like when your boy saves a couple hundred bucks, that’s as good as it gets. [01:36:32] It is tough to get thrills at this age. [01:36:35] I’ve been married for a number of years and one of the biggest thrills I get these days [01:36:41] is eating carbs and not telling my wife about it. [01:36:43] You know what I mean? [01:36:44] I mean, it’s nice. [01:36:45] I mean, I’ll never cheat on my wife, but I’ll do some filthy things to a Big Mac. [01:36:49] You know what I’m saying? [01:36:52] If you must know. [01:36:54] What do you guys think of these shorts? [01:36:55] They’re all right, right? [01:36:56] They’re like kind of dressy. [01:36:57] They’re from Indianapolis. [01:36:58] I forgot my lacrosse stick. [01:36:59] Otherwise, you guys would be like right on. [01:37:00] This guy fits in. [01:37:01] My boat shoes. [01:37:02] It’s a weird place. [01:37:03] But clap it off for us, guys. [01:37:04] My wife and I, we are expecting. [01:37:05] Thanks. [01:37:06] Appreciate it very much. [01:37:07] Thank you. [01:37:08] People lose 50 pounds is the rest of that sentence. [01:37:09] You’re a little heavy in quarantine, you know what I mean? [01:37:24] But I get signs from all over the universe. [01:37:27] that i’m getting that i’m getting too heavy and i really can’t ignore them anymore i mean [01:37:30] i’m willing to eat food that i’m not 100 sure i dropped you know it’s like it’s a cheeto poking [01:37:38] out from a couch cushion i’ll roll those dice you know i’m just saying i don’t know where it came [01:37:44] from uh it is nice wearing shorts now because i’m getting so heavy that my jeans are starting to get [01:37:49] tight below the knee it’s not really where you want uh i really want your jeans to get tight um [01:38:00] i uh what can i say my favorite portion size is the bucket [01:38:04] you know that’s i try to tack that one on for extra laughs that was [01:38:07] that was my bad guys i apologize it’s like a terrible dad joke um let’s see what else we got [01:38:14] here uh so i love wearing flip-flops in the summer uh i didn’t today because it was a monsoon [01:38:19] but i think i think when you’re wearing flip-flops when you you really look like a boss because [01:38:24] what you say to the world is no matter what happens i will not be running anywhere you know [01:38:29] it’s like i respect that for sure um but i think i’m running out of time here so i’ll leave you [01:38:37] guys with this comedy is one of those uh comedy is one of those things it’s a lot cooler to tell [01:38:40] people that you do than to actually do you know what i’m saying like i make the kind of give me [01:38:44] an idea i make the kind of money that necessitates all our toilet paper being used dryer sheets you [01:38:48] know what i mean [01:38:50] it’ll make you smell nice but it’s not it’s not really ideal so i’ll close with this guys i i know [01:38:55] some of you guys are looking at me like is this goofball have the answer to race relations maybe [01:38:59] maybe he does i don’t have the answer but i got a good place we can start right the white folks [01:39:03] black folks we gonna get on the same page with handshakes you know what i’m saying [01:39:07] i mean every white person has been shaking a black person’s hand and at some point you end up [01:39:09] holding on to one finger for dear life you know what i mean it’s like we gotta get on the same [01:39:13] page are we dapping or we slapping i mean i gotta know what we’re doing up front because white folks [01:39:15] are not smooth enough to adapt that on the fly you know what i mean [01:39:19] all get ourselves on on the same page will be right. I’ll actually leave you with this. [01:39:27] So there’s a bunch of, somebody earlier was talking about being neurodivergent, so I have [01:39:31] I have ADHD. Anybody here have ADHD? Yeah? It’s intense, right? I mean the best way I [01:39:36] could describe it is I was gonna write a punchline to that joke, but I got stuck [01:39:40] watching pandas on TikTok for like two hours. That’s pretty much it. My name is Joe [01:39:44] Gilliardy, guys. That’s my time. Thanks very much.