Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d4RysJspGE4 Starts at: 01:24:27 (jump to 01:24:27)
Brown Paper Doll — Spoken Word on Identity and Emotional Authenticity
[01:24:27] All right. [01:24:29] Okay, sorry, I already forgot. [01:24:31] I already forgot the name. [01:24:32] Do not forget her name, y’all. [01:24:34] Do not forget. [01:24:35] I did it before she got mad at me. [01:24:36] She might put me in a headlock. [01:24:38] I mean, she’s not violent. [01:24:39] She’s strong. [01:24:40] Look at her. [01:24:40] She’s strong. [01:24:41] Nor aggressive. [01:24:42] Nor aggressive. [01:24:43] Hello? [01:24:45] Hello? [01:24:45] Hello? [01:24:46] Coming to the stage, one of the open mic’s favorites, brown paper doll. [01:24:52] Hey. [01:24:53] Hey. [01:25:07] Sorry. [01:25:08] I don’t like mic stands. [01:25:09] I punch them, like, not intentionally, just move my hands a lot. [01:25:13] Yeah, no, non-violent and non-threatening. [01:25:16] I am brown paper doll. [01:25:17] I want to mention that I am a big fan of the movie Matilda from when I was a child, and [01:25:24] I have an hourglass on my desk at work, and I believe I will manifest time travel if I [01:25:29] stare at it intensely enough, and I’ve spoken on this several times. [01:25:32] So you’re not alone there, buddy. [01:25:35] I’m hoping. [01:25:35] I’m hoping. [01:25:37] So again. [01:25:38] I’m brown paper doll, and you can find me on IG at brown paper doll poetry. [01:25:43] So, um, it’s important to me to stop the stigma because culturally there’s not a lot of education [01:25:51] for folks like myself. [01:25:53] I am from the small town for more than one reason, but I am from the small town of triangle, [01:25:58] Virginia. [01:25:59] Um, I have a son who has some sort of sensory processing disorder. [01:26:04] I’m not certain. [01:26:05] Um, at one time we thought it was autism. [01:26:08] He kind of is like, uh, Sheldon from big bang theory, right? [01:26:11] Yeah. [01:26:12] So, so he’s a super cool dude, super into retro, uh, video games. [01:26:16] So when you go on that, that journey, right. [01:26:19] And you know, for your child, then you start to kind of go, wait a minute, you know, and [01:26:25] then anyone who knows anything about ADHD or autism understands that a lot of their symptoms, a lot of [01:26:32] different things are congruent. [01:26:34] Um, and so there’s a lot of ignorance in regard to, you know, [01:26:38] attention, attention deficit disorder in regard to kind of, um, and so I had to figure out from getting back to the same place over and over again, um, that, you know, I was kind of having to deal with my own sensory overload or, you know, in addition to traumas, in addition to life and all of these other things. [01:26:58] And so this piece I wrote it, although I know you, you’re partial to the ratchet pieces. [01:27:04] This is a different space. [01:27:05] I’m a million different people from one day to the next. [01:27:08] That’s why they call me brown paper dog. [01:27:11] So, um, he see me in the one step space. [01:27:13] That’s a different vibe, but, um, so I’ve got, I’ve got two pieces, one super short, um, that I’ve never actually performed before. [01:27:21] And, uh, I’m a quote person, Jim Carrey, uh, has a quote about how depression is essentially becoming tired of being the avatar of yourself, getting exhausted of that and needing essentially a renewal source. [01:27:34] Right. [01:27:35] And so this is kind of just a journal that I wrote one day. [01:27:38] It makes me want to sit. [01:27:41] It always makes me want to sit down and I seek to quell the loneliness. [01:27:48] I seek a bandaid for my bullet wound. [01:27:51] It is a mask. [01:27:52] I cannot remove a story about myself that I don’t know. [01:27:57] I’m telling, I wonder if I’m a liar. [01:28:00] I feel like a lie. [01:28:03] I wish I could lock myself in a room with me and resolve our disagreements. [01:28:08] Shake hands and walk away renewed. [01:28:10] I hide from my feelings. [01:28:13] I watched them float by and assign myself to the wants of the nearest person to please. [01:28:19] And there is always an expiration date on that sort of love. [01:28:23] I am releasing cognitive dissonance, appearances, martyrdom, unrequited any damn thing. [01:28:32] I am making space for who I am unrestrained by the heavy. [01:28:36] Okay. [01:28:37] Thank you. [01:28:38] Appreciate y’all. [01:28:39] Appreciate y’all. [01:28:40] All right. [01:28:41] And so this piece I wrote a while ago. [01:28:42] I wrote it because someone said I grind their gears and it hurt my feelings. [01:28:49] Okay. [01:28:50] What I find to happen is I am. [01:28:55] I am super fun. [01:28:57] Right. [01:28:58] And just awesome. [01:28:59] And then there’s this other side of this where I become too much. [01:29:02] I am always too much. [01:29:04] It always gets to that point. [01:29:05] You know. [01:29:06] Okay. [01:29:07] And so this is kind of me talking myself through being triggered by someone being annoyed [01:29:12] by me or not liking me and it hurting my feelings. [01:29:16] All right. [01:29:17] I am still looking for where I’m stuck. [01:29:20] I had a dream where I watched a woman follow her younger self from toddler to teen, toe [01:29:29] to heel. [01:29:30] And I knew she was trying to get back there too. [01:29:33] To the stuck place. [01:29:35] The origin point of all wound, all defensiveness, indecision, insecurity, self-hatred. [01:29:44] And like them girls that be going to Miami, I’m in my head screaming, take me back. [01:29:49] Just tell me where it hurts. [01:29:51] But I can’t. [01:29:53] I just know I’ve never learned to sit completely still. [01:29:57] Both my mind and heart race at an exhausting pace and I still can’t keep up. [01:30:03] I can’t keep up appearances. [01:30:05] But I know that’s what they want. [01:30:07] And there are days when I am whatever you say I am. [01:30:12] Days when I’m resigned. [01:30:15] I am guilty of seeking acceptance in exchange for slivers of authenticity. [01:30:21] But wearing a mask will always be a sort of lion in a poorly latched cage. [01:30:27] At least for me. [01:30:29] And then it’s why can’t you be what we expected you to be? [01:30:32] And I cry sometimes. [01:30:35] Because no one ever sees me. [01:30:37] And that sends me into a spiral. [01:30:39] Makes me wonder if I’m there. [01:30:42] If it matters that I care. [01:30:45] I know now that I raise the vibration. [01:30:48] That my concise articulation causes intimidation. [01:30:53] But no one gave me a volume setting for my muchness. [01:30:58] Everybody hates me. [01:31:00] And everybody loves me. [01:31:02] And nobody gets. [01:31:03] It’s for the same reason. [01:31:05] I try my best not to take offense to those who misinterpret my intent. [01:31:10] And trauma makes me run back to explain to you what’s wrong with your vision. [01:31:15] But I know it’s based on what you’ve seen. [01:31:18] And I say this with pride. [01:31:20] And sometimes shame. [01:31:22] I am not like anyone else. [01:31:24] Thank y’all. [01:31:25] Alright. [01:31:26] You can find me on IG at Brown Paper Doll Poetry. [01:31:28] Was that supposed to be set? [01:31:30] And did I watch it go off and not change it? [01:31:31] Yeah. [01:31:32] That’s all good. [01:31:33] Party party. [01:31:34] Appreciate y’all. [01:31:35] Well done. [01:31:36] Well done. [01:31:37] Well done. [01:31:38] Yeah. [01:31:39] Give it up for Brown Paper Doll y’all.