Brown Paper Doll, a spoken word artist from Triangle, Virginia, delivers two original pieces exploring identity, emotional authenticity, sensory overload, ADHD, and the exhaustion of masking one’s true self for social acceptance. Drawing on personal experiences with her son’s sensory processing challenges and her own trauma, she weaves raw, journal-style poetry about loneliness, self-concealment, and the ongoing search for an unrestrained sense of self.
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Transcript
[01:24:27] All right.
[01:24:29] Okay, sorry, I already forgot.
[01:24:31] I already forgot the name.
[01:24:32] Do not forget her name, y’all.
[01:24:34] Do not forget.
[01:24:35] I did it before she got mad at me.
[01:24:36] She might put me in a headlock.
[01:24:38] I mean, she’s not violent.
[01:24:39] She’s strong.
[01:24:40] Look at her.
[01:24:40] She’s strong.
[01:24:41] Nor aggressive.
[01:24:42] Nor aggressive.
[01:24:43] Hello?
[01:24:45] Hello?
[01:24:45] Hello?
[01:24:46] Coming to the stage, one of the open mic’s favorites, brown paper doll.
[01:24:52] Hey.
[01:24:53] Hey.
[01:25:07] Sorry.
[01:25:08] I don’t like mic stands.
[01:25:09] I punch them, like, not intentionally, just move my hands a lot.
[01:25:13] Yeah, no, non-violent and non-threatening.
[01:25:16] I am brown paper doll.
[01:25:17] I want to mention that I am a big fan of the movie Matilda from when I was a child, and
[01:25:24] I have an hourglass on my desk at work, and I believe I will manifest time travel if I
[01:25:29] stare at it intensely enough, and I’ve spoken on this several times.
[01:25:32] So you’re not alone there, buddy.
[01:25:35] I’m hoping.
[01:25:35] I’m hoping.
[01:25:37] So again.
[01:25:38] I’m brown paper doll, and you can find me on IG at brown paper doll poetry.
[01:25:43] So, um, it’s important to me to stop the stigma because culturally there’s not a lot of education
[01:25:51] for folks like myself.
[01:25:53] I am from the small town for more than one reason, but I am from the small town of triangle,
[01:25:58] Virginia.
[01:25:59] Um, I have a son who has some sort of sensory processing disorder.
[01:26:04] I’m not certain.
[01:26:05] Um, at one time we thought it was autism.
[01:26:08] He kind of is like, uh, Sheldon from big bang theory, right?
[01:26:11] Yeah.
[01:26:12] So, so he’s a super cool dude, super into retro, uh, video games.
[01:26:16] So when you go on that, that journey, right.
[01:26:19] And you know, for your child, then you start to kind of go, wait a minute, you know, and
[01:26:25] then anyone who knows anything about ADHD or autism understands that a lot of their symptoms, a lot of
[01:26:32] different things are congruent.
[01:26:34] Um, and so there’s a lot of ignorance in regard to, you know,
[01:26:38] attention, attention deficit disorder in regard to kind of, um, and so I had to figure out from getting back to the same place over and over again, um, that, you know, I was kind of having to deal with my own sensory overload or, you know, in addition to traumas, in addition to life and all of these other things.
[01:26:58] And so this piece I wrote it, although I know you, you’re partial to the ratchet pieces.
[01:27:04] This is a different space.
[01:27:05] I’m a million different people from one day to the next.
[01:27:08] That’s why they call me brown paper dog.
[01:27:11] So, um, he see me in the one step space.
[01:27:13] That’s a different vibe, but, um, so I’ve got, I’ve got two pieces, one super short, um, that I’ve never actually performed before.
[01:27:21] And, uh, I’m a quote person, Jim Carrey, uh, has a quote about how depression is essentially becoming tired of being the avatar of yourself, getting exhausted of that and needing essentially a renewal source.
[01:27:34] Right.
[01:27:35] And so this is kind of just a journal that I wrote one day.
[01:27:38] It makes me want to sit.
[01:27:41] It always makes me want to sit down and I seek to quell the loneliness.
[01:27:48] I seek a bandaid for my bullet wound.
[01:27:51] It is a mask.
[01:27:52] I cannot remove a story about myself that I don’t know.
[01:27:57] I’m telling, I wonder if I’m a liar.
[01:28:00] I feel like a lie.
[01:28:03] I wish I could lock myself in a room with me and resolve our disagreements.
[01:28:08] Shake hands and walk away renewed.
[01:28:10] I hide from my feelings.
[01:28:13] I watched them float by and assign myself to the wants of the nearest person to please.
[01:28:19] And there is always an expiration date on that sort of love.
[01:28:23] I am releasing cognitive dissonance, appearances, martyrdom, unrequited any damn thing.
[01:28:32] I am making space for who I am unrestrained by the heavy.
[01:28:36] Okay.
[01:28:37] Thank you.
[01:28:38] Appreciate y’all.
[01:28:39] Appreciate y’all.
[01:28:40] All right.
[01:28:41] And so this piece I wrote a while ago.
[01:28:42] I wrote it because someone said I grind their gears and it hurt my feelings.
[01:28:49] Okay.
[01:28:50] What I find to happen is I am.
[01:28:55] I am super fun.
[01:28:57] Right.
[01:28:58] And just awesome.
[01:28:59] And then there’s this other side of this where I become too much.
[01:29:02] I am always too much.
[01:29:04] It always gets to that point.
[01:29:05] You know.
[01:29:06] Okay.
[01:29:07] And so this is kind of me talking myself through being triggered by someone being annoyed
[01:29:12] by me or not liking me and it hurting my feelings.
[01:29:16] All right.
[01:29:17] I am still looking for where I’m stuck.
[01:29:20] I had a dream where I watched a woman follow her younger self from toddler to teen, toe
[01:29:29] to heel.
[01:29:30] And I knew she was trying to get back there too.
[01:29:33] To the stuck place.
[01:29:35] The origin point of all wound, all defensiveness, indecision, insecurity, self-hatred.
[01:29:44] And like them girls that be going to Miami, I’m in my head screaming, take me back.
[01:29:49] Just tell me where it hurts.
[01:29:51] But I can’t.
[01:29:53] I just know I’ve never learned to sit completely still.
[01:29:57] Both my mind and heart race at an exhausting pace and I still can’t keep up.
[01:30:03] I can’t keep up appearances.
[01:30:05] But I know that’s what they want.
[01:30:07] And there are days when I am whatever you say I am.
[01:30:12] Days when I’m resigned.
[01:30:15] I am guilty of seeking acceptance in exchange for slivers of authenticity.
[01:30:21] But wearing a mask will always be a sort of lion in a poorly latched cage.
[01:30:27] At least for me.
[01:30:29] And then it’s why can’t you be what we expected you to be?
[01:30:32] And I cry sometimes.
[01:30:35] Because no one ever sees me.
[01:30:37] And that sends me into a spiral.
[01:30:39] Makes me wonder if I’m there.
[01:30:42] If it matters that I care.
[01:30:45] I know now that I raise the vibration.
[01:30:48] That my concise articulation causes intimidation.
[01:30:53] But no one gave me a volume setting for my muchness.
[01:30:58] Everybody hates me.
[01:31:00] And everybody loves me.
[01:31:02] And nobody gets.
[01:31:03] It’s for the same reason.
[01:31:05] I try my best not to take offense to those who misinterpret my intent.
[01:31:10] And trauma makes me run back to explain to you what’s wrong with your vision.
[01:31:15] But I know it’s based on what you’ve seen.
[01:31:18] And I say this with pride.
[01:31:20] And sometimes shame.
[01:31:22] I am not like anyone else.
[01:31:24] Thank y’all.
[01:31:25] Alright.
[01:31:26] You can find me on IG at Brown Paper Doll Poetry.
[01:31:28] Was that supposed to be set?
[01:31:30] And did I watch it go off and not change it?
[01:31:31] Yeah.
[01:31:32] That’s all good.
[01:31:33] Party party.
[01:31:34] Appreciate y’all.
[01:31:35] Well done.
[01:31:36] Well done.
[01:31:37] Well done.
[01:31:38] Yeah.
[01:31:39] Give it up for Brown Paper Doll y’all.