Patrick Finn performs two spoken-word pieces: his own poem ”My Dark Parent,” a visceral metaphor for bipolar disorder and PTSD written during a PTSD attack, and a poem by his absent friend and NAMI co-facilitator Heather, which explores depression, identity, and collective resilience.’
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Transcript
[02:38:02] Hi.
[02:38:04] I had to. I wanted to.
[02:38:06] My name is Patrick. How are you guys doing?
[02:38:08] I am living with bipolar 1 with psychotic features, PTSD, and an eating disorder.
[02:38:14] Well, actually, I’m overcoming that one. That’s pretty cool.
[02:38:17] And I’m going to do a few things tonight.
[02:38:24] I’m going to read one of my poems.
[02:38:26] And if you’ve been here before, I’m sorry it’s the same one.
[02:38:29] It’s been a weird year-ish, so I haven’t really thought about more of them,
[02:38:33] which would actually be perfect for a poem this past year.
[02:38:36] Don’t blame me.
[02:38:38] So, and then I’m going to read one of my friend’s poems who cannot be here,
[02:38:42] and I’ll introduce her after this one, so just hang tight.
[02:38:46] So this is my poem called My Dark Parent.
[02:38:49] Enjoy.
[02:38:55] Did I ever tell you about my dark parent?
[02:38:58] Well, he sits right here on my shoulder.
[02:39:01] Yeah, he’s invisible, but his weight resembles that of a massive boulder.
[02:39:06] He repeats things, and he repeats a lot.
[02:39:09] This seemingly endless squawk, riddled with realities that I thought I’d forgotten.
[02:39:14] He’s obsessed with my past.
[02:39:16] He flies to first and leaves me last.
[02:39:18] He shouts my past from the finish line, and I try to run back.
[02:39:21] He seems to fly faster.
[02:39:23] I could have sworn that I was his master.
[02:39:27] But remember, he can fly.
[02:39:29] He flies as I sink.
[02:39:31] And then eagerly returning, once again clawing open my eyes so I never get a chance to blink.
[02:39:35] No, to forget.
[02:39:36] Forcing me to look, with no chance to read that good book just caught on that hook that I took.
[02:39:42] Left to sit, wait, and marinate in a path that still leaves me shook.
[02:39:46] But then, suddenly, while attached, he flies high and he brings me along.
[02:39:52] And I’m sore and happy through the clouds, and the parrot convincingly exclaims that nothing can go wrong.
[02:39:58] And I believed him.
[02:40:01] Fucker, I believed him.
[02:40:03] He drops me.
[02:40:04] When I fall, I fall fast.
[02:40:06] Hitting the ground so hard even my mind needs a cast.
[02:40:09] I have a dark parrot.
[02:40:12] Did I mention he’s invisible?
[02:40:14] To which my confusion and my mind becomes divisible.
[02:40:17] Three thoughts.
[02:40:18] Three parts.
[02:40:19] Me, myself, or that gun on my shelf.
[02:40:21] He claws in, but I still can’t see him.
[02:40:24] And then I pause, and I stare at my wrist, wracked in gauze, feeling the fears of so many years and so many fears.
[02:40:29] And the memory of all of my loving peers.
[02:40:32] Their faces now gone.
[02:40:33] But their heads.
[02:40:34] They’re on my lawn, each resembling my own in this constant, agonizing moan.
[02:40:42] Mine is a dark parrot.
[02:40:44] I shake.
[02:40:45] I scream.
[02:40:46] I try to replace this nightmare with some beautiful dream.
[02:40:49] I try, but the parrot won’t die.
[02:40:53] Not at least until I can find mine.
[02:40:55] I want to fly.
[02:40:56] Thank you.
[02:41:04] Thank you very, very much.
[02:41:08] I actually wrote that poem during a PTSD attack.
[02:41:12] And I say this a lot, only because it was actually the first thing that I ever said that I was proud of.
[02:41:21] In myself.
[02:41:22] Ever.
[02:41:23] I did that in the midst of just chaos and terror.
[02:41:26] And I found that poem.
[02:41:28] And I want to write more, because I see them.
[02:41:30] But ADD Brian, mind him.
[02:41:32] It’s great.
[02:41:33] Wait.
[02:41:34] What’s that pigeon doing?
[02:41:35] You know?
[02:41:36] It never continues.
[02:41:37] So I’ve got to make it organic.
[02:41:38] Hopefully not the same way.
[02:41:39] But, you know.
[02:41:40] So this, also, is a poem by my friend, Heather.
[02:41:41] Who could not be here today to read this poem.
[02:41:42] It’s beautiful.
[02:41:43] In so many ways.
[02:41:44] And this woman has become an amazing godsend to me.
[02:41:45] Because we can empathize.
[02:41:46] We can talk.
[02:41:47] And we both understand each other.
[02:41:48] She’s my co-facilitator.
[02:41:49] Yes.
[02:41:50] I’m a facilitator for NAMI Emerald County.
[02:41:51] And she’s my co-facilitator.
[02:41:52] And she’s my co-facilitator.
[02:41:53] And she’s my co-facilitator.
[02:41:54] And she’s my co-facilitator.
[02:41:55] I don’t know where I would be without this woman.
[02:42:02] She’s absolutely amazing.
[02:42:03] And one of my best friends in the world.
[02:42:06] Hopefully I can do her poem some justice.
[02:42:13] So.
[02:42:14] Forgive me, Heather.
[02:42:15] If this is a head-on.
[02:42:16] Depression keeps pressing me down.
[02:42:17] The lies it tells me.
[02:42:18] The secrets I can’t keep.
[02:42:19] I don’t know how to keep it from you.
[02:42:20] I don’t know how to keep it from you.
[02:42:21] I don’t know how to keep it from you.
[02:42:22] I don’t know how to keep it from you.
[02:42:23] I don’t know how to keep it from you.
[02:42:24] I don’t know how to keep it from you.
[02:42:25] I don’t know who I keep and the sadness and despair fill heavily when I read.
[02:42:27] I don’t know how to keep it from you.
[02:42:28] I don’t know how to keep it from you.
[02:42:29] I don’t know how to keep it from you.
[02:42:30] I don’t know how to keep it from you.
[02:42:31] What goes up must come down.
[02:42:32] Where is that sad song called Send in the Clowns?
[02:42:33] Not a clown, but a puppet.
[02:42:34] By all my will, to not say, fuck it!
[02:42:39] Why would we care to be called a loser?
[02:42:41] The loser doesn’t exist as we are part of the lost.
[02:42:48] We’re struggling and climbing, falling, not flying, not knowing if there’s a place to call
[02:42:53] on top of it all.
[02:42:54] Stay.
[02:42:55] Let me help you, protect you, save you from me
[02:42:59] My mind a dark labyrinth story
[02:43:02] Stay quiet, stay safe
[02:43:04] You know what I mean
[02:43:05] Let me help you
[02:43:08] The empty box of nothingness
[02:43:11] And the fight stay and not flee
[02:43:14] To finally be free
[02:43:16] Loathing and lying depression
[02:43:20] Still tries to take our breath
[02:43:22] Take our hope, steal our strength
[02:43:25] To keep us alive
[02:43:26] We the people of these insanity states
[02:43:31] Of mine see beyond my smile
[02:43:34] Take a look but shields your eyes
[02:43:36] Pointless aspirations to rise and fly high
[02:43:40] But then the high comes and the ground is
[02:43:44] But a thing of the past
[02:43:45] Colors swirling, birds singing, loves pumping
[02:43:49] Through our veins
[02:43:50] The sun is brighter than before
[02:43:52] The sky is my happy place
[02:43:54] The sky is my happy place
[02:43:55] The sky is my happy place
[02:43:55] I keep looking up, I feel light, I feel free
[02:43:58] There’s no way you can catch me
[02:44:01] I’m soaring carelessly
[02:44:02] Who am I, you ask?
[02:44:05] Well, I’m not very sure
[02:44:06] I’m down, then I’m up, and I’m mixed
[02:44:08] And I’m misunderstood, like always, like before
[02:44:11] Before the ground were limits to the sky
[02:44:14] Before leaves were limits to the ground and sky
[02:44:17] Before there were heartbeats
[02:44:20] Light traveling and sound
[02:44:23] I live in the moment
[02:44:25] I live in two places
[02:44:26] And sometimes in between
[02:44:28] I have many faces
[02:44:30] Some happy, some mean
[02:44:32] You cannot have the flight without suffering from the fall
[02:44:36] By the way, there’s no options, no multiple-choice testing
[02:44:40] Lucky are we that we have to keep guessing
[02:44:43] Together, united, divided, we fall
[02:44:47] Connected by heartbeats, some big and some small
[02:44:52] What we have is that lifeline
[02:44:54] I refer to as friends
[02:44:56] And that’s all that makes life great
[02:44:58] Doesn’t it?
[02:45:00] Friends to the end
[02:45:02] Fighting for freedom from our minds
[02:45:03] Always our motto, no man left behind
[02:45:08] I’ll take your hand
[02:45:10] And I’ll give you mine
[02:45:11] There’s enough life out there left for us
[02:45:14] We are all the masters of our minds
[02:45:16] Together we shall face the impact
[02:45:19] But we will never stop trying to climb
[02:45:22] We will never give up hope
[02:45:24] they’ve come to指czę
[02:45:26] Not a little step, one step
[02:45:32] We must fight for the glory
[02:45:33] when there’s no tomorrow
[02:45:35] TheFree裡面
[02:45:36] just let me know
[02:45:38] For you have the answer
[02:45:39] For the express того
[02:45:41] Gaza is God
[02:45:43] We’ve made a deductible
[02:45:44] And united we shall nive
[02:45:46] We must fight for you
[02:45:47] Lévi-Hgli
[02:45:48] Vamos
[02:45:49] No día
[02:45:50] No fertilizar
[02:45:50] Somos eternos
[02:45:51] We’ll fight and have strength