Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vbAZeaI8iH8 Starts at: 02:38:02 (jump to 02:38:02)
Patrick Finn - My Dark Parent and Heather’s Poem
[02:38:02] Hi. [02:38:04] I had to. I wanted to. [02:38:06] My name is Patrick. How are you guys doing? [02:38:08] I am living with bipolar 1 with psychotic features, PTSD, and an eating disorder. [02:38:14] Well, actually, I’m overcoming that one. That’s pretty cool. [02:38:17] And I’m going to do a few things tonight. [02:38:24] I’m going to read one of my poems. [02:38:26] And if you’ve been here before, I’m sorry it’s the same one. [02:38:29] It’s been a weird year-ish, so I haven’t really thought about more of them, [02:38:33] which would actually be perfect for a poem this past year. [02:38:36] Don’t blame me. [02:38:38] So, and then I’m going to read one of my friend’s poems who cannot be here, [02:38:42] and I’ll introduce her after this one, so just hang tight. [02:38:46] So this is my poem called My Dark Parent. [02:38:49] Enjoy. [02:38:55] Did I ever tell you about my dark parent? [02:38:58] Well, he sits right here on my shoulder. [02:39:01] Yeah, he’s invisible, but his weight resembles that of a massive boulder. [02:39:06] He repeats things, and he repeats a lot. [02:39:09] This seemingly endless squawk, riddled with realities that I thought I’d forgotten. [02:39:14] He’s obsessed with my past. [02:39:16] He flies to first and leaves me last. [02:39:18] He shouts my past from the finish line, and I try to run back. [02:39:21] He seems to fly faster. [02:39:23] I could have sworn that I was his master. [02:39:27] But remember, he can fly. [02:39:29] He flies as I sink. [02:39:31] And then eagerly returning, once again clawing open my eyes so I never get a chance to blink. [02:39:35] No, to forget. [02:39:36] Forcing me to look, with no chance to read that good book just caught on that hook that I took. [02:39:42] Left to sit, wait, and marinate in a path that still leaves me shook. [02:39:46] But then, suddenly, while attached, he flies high and he brings me along. [02:39:52] And I’m sore and happy through the clouds, and the parrot convincingly exclaims that nothing can go wrong. [02:39:58] And I believed him. [02:40:01] Fucker, I believed him. [02:40:03] He drops me. [02:40:04] When I fall, I fall fast. [02:40:06] Hitting the ground so hard even my mind needs a cast. [02:40:09] I have a dark parrot. [02:40:12] Did I mention he’s invisible? [02:40:14] To which my confusion and my mind becomes divisible. [02:40:17] Three thoughts. [02:40:18] Three parts. [02:40:19] Me, myself, or that gun on my shelf. [02:40:21] He claws in, but I still can’t see him. [02:40:24] And then I pause, and I stare at my wrist, wracked in gauze, feeling the fears of so many years and so many fears. [02:40:29] And the memory of all of my loving peers. [02:40:32] Their faces now gone. [02:40:33] But their heads. [02:40:34] They’re on my lawn, each resembling my own in this constant, agonizing moan. [02:40:42] Mine is a dark parrot. [02:40:44] I shake. [02:40:45] I scream. [02:40:46] I try to replace this nightmare with some beautiful dream. [02:40:49] I try, but the parrot won’t die. [02:40:53] Not at least until I can find mine. [02:40:55] I want to fly. [02:40:56] Thank you. [02:41:04] Thank you very, very much. [02:41:08] I actually wrote that poem during a PTSD attack. [02:41:12] And I say this a lot, only because it was actually the first thing that I ever said that I was proud of. [02:41:21] In myself. [02:41:22] Ever. [02:41:23] I did that in the midst of just chaos and terror. [02:41:26] And I found that poem. [02:41:28] And I want to write more, because I see them. [02:41:30] But ADD Brian, mind him. [02:41:32] It’s great. [02:41:33] Wait. [02:41:34] What’s that pigeon doing? [02:41:35] You know? [02:41:36] It never continues. [02:41:37] So I’ve got to make it organic. [02:41:38] Hopefully not the same way. [02:41:39] But, you know. [02:41:40] So this, also, is a poem by my friend, Heather. [02:41:41] Who could not be here today to read this poem. [02:41:42] It’s beautiful. [02:41:43] In so many ways. [02:41:44] And this woman has become an amazing godsend to me. [02:41:45] Because we can empathize. [02:41:46] We can talk. [02:41:47] And we both understand each other. [02:41:48] She’s my co-facilitator. [02:41:49] Yes. [02:41:50] I’m a facilitator for NAMI Emerald County. [02:41:51] And she’s my co-facilitator. [02:41:52] And she’s my co-facilitator. [02:41:53] And she’s my co-facilitator. [02:41:54] And she’s my co-facilitator. [02:41:55] I don’t know where I would be without this woman. [02:42:02] She’s absolutely amazing. [02:42:03] And one of my best friends in the world. [02:42:06] Hopefully I can do her poem some justice. [02:42:13] So. [02:42:14] Forgive me, Heather. [02:42:15] If this is a head-on. [02:42:16] Depression keeps pressing me down. [02:42:17] The lies it tells me. [02:42:18] The secrets I can’t keep. [02:42:19] I don’t know how to keep it from you. [02:42:20] I don’t know how to keep it from you. [02:42:21] I don’t know how to keep it from you. [02:42:22] I don’t know how to keep it from you. [02:42:23] I don’t know how to keep it from you. [02:42:24] I don’t know how to keep it from you. [02:42:25] I don’t know who I keep and the sadness and despair fill heavily when I read. [02:42:27] I don’t know how to keep it from you. [02:42:28] I don’t know how to keep it from you. [02:42:29] I don’t know how to keep it from you. [02:42:30] I don’t know how to keep it from you. [02:42:31] What goes up must come down. [02:42:32] Where is that sad song called Send in the Clowns? [02:42:33] Not a clown, but a puppet. [02:42:34] By all my will, to not say, fuck it! [02:42:39] Why would we care to be called a loser? [02:42:41] The loser doesn’t exist as we are part of the lost. [02:42:48] We’re struggling and climbing, falling, not flying, not knowing if there’s a place to call [02:42:53] on top of it all. [02:42:54] Stay. [02:42:55] Let me help you, protect you, save you from me [02:42:59] My mind a dark labyrinth story [02:43:02] Stay quiet, stay safe [02:43:04] You know what I mean [02:43:05] Let me help you [02:43:08] The empty box of nothingness [02:43:11] And the fight stay and not flee [02:43:14] To finally be free [02:43:16] Loathing and lying depression [02:43:20] Still tries to take our breath [02:43:22] Take our hope, steal our strength [02:43:25] To keep us alive [02:43:26] We the people of these insanity states [02:43:31] Of mine see beyond my smile [02:43:34] Take a look but shields your eyes [02:43:36] Pointless aspirations to rise and fly high [02:43:40] But then the high comes and the ground is [02:43:44] But a thing of the past [02:43:45] Colors swirling, birds singing, loves pumping [02:43:49] Through our veins [02:43:50] The sun is brighter than before [02:43:52] The sky is my happy place [02:43:54] The sky is my happy place [02:43:55] The sky is my happy place [02:43:55] I keep looking up, I feel light, I feel free [02:43:58] There’s no way you can catch me [02:44:01] I’m soaring carelessly [02:44:02] Who am I, you ask? [02:44:05] Well, I’m not very sure [02:44:06] I’m down, then I’m up, and I’m mixed [02:44:08] And I’m misunderstood, like always, like before [02:44:11] Before the ground were limits to the sky [02:44:14] Before leaves were limits to the ground and sky [02:44:17] Before there were heartbeats [02:44:20] Light traveling and sound [02:44:23] I live in the moment [02:44:25] I live in two places [02:44:26] And sometimes in between [02:44:28] I have many faces [02:44:30] Some happy, some mean [02:44:32] You cannot have the flight without suffering from the fall [02:44:36] By the way, there’s no options, no multiple-choice testing [02:44:40] Lucky are we that we have to keep guessing [02:44:43] Together, united, divided, we fall [02:44:47] Connected by heartbeats, some big and some small [02:44:52] What we have is that lifeline [02:44:54] I refer to as friends [02:44:56] And that’s all that makes life great [02:44:58] Doesn’t it? [02:45:00] Friends to the end [02:45:02] Fighting for freedom from our minds [02:45:03] Always our motto, no man left behind [02:45:08] I’ll take your hand [02:45:10] And I’ll give you mine [02:45:11] There’s enough life out there left for us [02:45:14] We are all the masters of our minds [02:45:16] Together we shall face the impact [02:45:19] But we will never stop trying to climb [02:45:22] We will never give up hope [02:45:24] they’ve come to指czę [02:45:26] Not a little step, one step [02:45:32] We must fight for the glory [02:45:33] when there’s no tomorrow [02:45:35] TheFree裡面 [02:45:36] just let me know [02:45:38] For you have the answer [02:45:39] For the express того [02:45:41] Gaza is God [02:45:43] We’ve made a deductible [02:45:44] And united we shall nive [02:45:46] We must fight for you [02:45:47] Lévi-Hgli [02:45:48] Vamos [02:45:49] No día [02:45:50] No fertilizar [02:45:50] Somos eternos [02:45:51] We’ll fight and have strength