Joe Gagliardi, a US Marine veteran and stand-up comedian from Annapolis, delivers a 13-minute comedy set blending self-deprecating humor about aging, pandemic life, and military service with lighthearted crowd interaction, providing tonal relief between heavier emotional segments at the SYT 2021 event.
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Transcript
[02:19:48] Thank you Christina.
[02:19:49] Yes, thank you Christina.
[02:19:50] That was beautiful.
[02:19:51] Thank you so much.
[02:19:52] I was waiting for that.
[02:19:53] I was talking to her earlier.
[02:19:54] I was like, you’re going to.
[02:19:55] No, you just wanted to get me to sing.
[02:19:57] So sing.
[02:19:59] Okay.
[02:20:01] All right.
[02:20:02] For the sake of time.
[02:20:03] For the sake of supporting others.
[02:20:04] We want to hear everyone.
[02:20:06] So if we could bring our best works forward.
[02:20:09] Because we’ve got a couple of staged acts.
[02:20:14] How do you want it Joey?
[02:20:16] Yeah, like how do you want it?
[02:20:18] Coming to the stage.
[02:20:21] There it is.
[02:20:23] Joey Gagliotti.
[02:20:25] Give it up for the ladies and gentlemen.
[02:20:32] Thank you guys very much.
[02:20:34] I appreciate that.
[02:20:35] If you haven’t figured it out by now, I’m the comedian in the bunch.
[02:20:38] So we’re going to reset our energy a little bit.
[02:20:41] All right.
[02:20:42] Because that was amazing.
[02:20:43] Christina, give it up for her one more time.
[02:20:44] Well done.
[02:20:45] Thank you for sharing.
[02:20:46] I like doing this.
[02:20:47] I like everybody.
[02:20:48] If you would put your hands together.
[02:20:49] Rub them together.
[02:20:50] All right.
[02:20:51] Rub them together.
[02:20:52] Get them nice and warm.
[02:20:53] All right.
[02:20:54] Take a deep breath.
[02:20:55] Put them over your eyes.
[02:20:56] Deep breath out.
[02:20:57] And now for some dick jokes.
[02:20:58] No, I’m just kidding.
[02:20:59] No, I’m just kidding, guys.
[02:21:00] You’re going to have to bear with me here, okay?
[02:21:01] I’ve performed live once in the last 18 months.
[02:21:02] So if this doesn’t go well, the name to remember is Tyler Calabrese.
[02:21:03] You know what I’m saying?
[02:21:04] Oh, God.
[02:21:05] I want to address the clipboard up here too.
[02:21:06] I was in the Marine Corps.
[02:21:07] In the Marine Corps, often you take some blood.
[02:21:08] Thanks very much.
[02:21:09] I appreciate that.
[02:21:10] Thank you.
[02:21:11] Thank you.
[02:21:12] Thank you.
[02:21:13] Thank you.
[02:21:14] Thank you.
[02:21:15] Thank you.
[02:21:16] Thank you.
[02:21:17] Thank you.
[02:21:18] Thank you.
[02:21:19] Thank you.
[02:21:20] Oftentimes in the Marine Corps, they don’t put in the recruiting post, you’re going to
[02:21:26] take blows to the head.
[02:21:27] Maybe you’ll lose a brain cell or two along the way.
[02:21:29] So I’m not very good at memorization.
[02:21:30] So you got that.
[02:21:32] Just follow this.
[02:21:33] Tyler got it.
[02:21:35] He knows.
[02:21:36] But have no fear, guys.
[02:21:38] I’m fully vaccinated, okay?
[02:21:41] So for you in the front row, you’re welcome for the upgraded 5G.
[02:21:44] Enjoy that.
[02:21:45] If you lose internet, just point it right here, okay?
[02:21:48] All right.
[02:21:49] God.
[02:21:49] Put your phone right there.
[02:21:51] But it is a thrill, guys.
[02:21:53] It is a thrill to be back up in front of people live on a stage
[02:21:56] because for the last 18 months, I’ve been doing these virtual Zoom shows,
[02:22:00] and it’s just not the same as live comedy, right?
[02:22:02] Like right now, I’m looking at you all.
[02:22:04] It’s scary up here, right?
[02:22:05] I’m vulnerable.
[02:22:07] There’s a real rush to this, right?
[02:22:08] Tyler, you know what I’m talking about.
[02:22:10] This is sort of like skydiving.
[02:22:13] Virtual shows are sort of like putting on a parachute
[02:22:16] and jumping out of a parked car.
[02:22:17] That’s like in your own driveway.
[02:22:21] It’s just not.
[02:22:24] I’m just saying it’s not the same, but I’m glad to be here.
[02:22:26] Super honored, Tyler.
[02:22:27] Thank you guys for having me back.
[02:22:29] Give it up, guys, for NAMI, Anne Arundel County.
[02:22:31] Great work.
[02:22:32] These people are doing really amazing.
[02:22:35] This stuff’s not easy.
[02:22:37] It is super important, as you all probably know, to support the arts, right?
[02:22:40] Even us comedians, or as we’ve been known for the last 18 months,
[02:22:44] door dashers.
[02:22:47] Which has not been ideal.
[02:22:49] I actually left a six-figure career, if you can believe that, to pursue comedy.
[02:22:54] Because midlife crises are real, people.
[02:22:58] And I’m going to be honest with you.
[02:22:59] I encourage any of you to do the same.
[02:23:01] If you’re in a lucrative career that you hate,
[02:23:03] you want to follow your dreams, do so.
[02:23:05] Because at the end of the day,
[02:23:07] hoping you can pay your mortgage is a lot more exciting than knowing you can.
[02:23:10] You know what I’m saying, right?
[02:23:12] So.
[02:23:15] You don’t enjoy your life.
[02:23:17] Right?
[02:23:17] Take some risks.
[02:23:19] But this is a real treat.
[02:23:20] I live in Annapolis.
[02:23:21] And usually I’m performing in D.C. or Northern Virginia or some godforsaken place
[02:23:24] that’s an hour or more away.
[02:23:26] So I normally ask if anybody’s seen me before.
[02:23:29] So by a round of applause, anybody seen me perform before?
[02:23:34] Nice.
[02:23:35] It’s my dad back there.
[02:23:37] I thought he was going to be the only one.
[02:23:39] So I kind of set that up.
[02:23:39] I was going to be like, oh, I’m not done.
[02:23:41] All right, that blew up in my face.
[02:23:43] I forgot you guys.
[02:23:44] I forgot it was last year.
[02:23:46] Woo!
[02:23:48] Let’s see what you got.
[02:23:48] So, all right.
[02:23:49] Well, since most of you haven’t seen me, all right,
[02:23:52] I thought we’d do a little get to know your pal Joe G here, right?
[02:23:55] Joe Gagliardi.
[02:23:56] So I asked some of you some questions.
[02:23:58] Or I asked some of you to submit some questions before the show.
[02:24:00] And I’ve got them here.
[02:24:01] So we’ll dive right in.
[02:24:02] Okay, so we’ve got question number one, Joe.
[02:24:04] How do you identify?
[02:24:07] I’ll start with my pronouns.
[02:24:09] But I did not pay a ton of attention in grammar.
[02:24:13] Are pronouns the ones that end in L-Y?
[02:24:15] Is that?
[02:24:17] Is that pronouns?
[02:24:20] I don’t remember.
[02:24:21] No, but I do.
[02:24:22] I identify as a heterosexual male.
[02:24:24] I turn 40 in a couple of weeks.
[02:24:26] And that’s tough because that really is the age where I need to start considering sex
[02:24:28] to be an activity where I can be seriously injured.
[02:24:30] You know what I’m saying?
[02:24:34] Nobody’s getting any younger around here.
[02:24:36] And for you young ones out there, I’m going to be perfectly honest.
[02:24:38] Someday you’re going to get a hamstring cramp during sex.
[02:24:41] And you’ll see.
[02:24:42] It’s tough getting older, too, because you start to change.
[02:24:49] Like, your libido starts to change, right?
[02:24:51] I mean, my libido has deteriorated to the point that somebody gave my wife and I a copy of Debbie Does Dallas.
[02:24:57] And all of me hoped it was a travel blog.
[02:25:01] So, there goes that.
[02:25:04] But, all right, let’s see what we’ve got.
[02:25:05] Next question here.
[02:25:06] Joe, you were in the Marines.
[02:25:08] Do you still work out?
[02:25:10] No.
[02:25:10] No.
[02:25:10] No.
[02:25:10] No.
[02:25:10] No.
[02:25:10] No.
[02:25:10] No.
[02:25:10] No.
[02:25:11] No.
[02:25:11] No.
[02:25:11] No.
[02:25:11] No.
[02:25:11] No.
[02:25:11] No.
[02:25:11] No.
[02:25:11] No.
[02:25:11] No.
[02:25:11] No.
[02:25:11] No.
[02:25:11] No.
[02:25:11] No.
[02:25:11] No.
[02:25:12] No.
[02:25:13] No.
[02:25:13] No.
[02:25:14] No.
[02:25:14] No.
[02:25:14] No.
[02:25:14] No.
[02:25:14] No.
[02:25:14] No.
[02:25:14] No.
[02:25:14] No.
[02:25:14] I think that’s obvious.
[02:25:17] Dumb question.
[02:25:23] Before the pandemic, you couldn’t tell me and Justin Bieber apart.
[02:25:26] I’ll put it like that.
[02:25:27] It’s been a rough 18 months on your pal Joey G.
[02:25:30] But, for once, being overweight paid off.
[02:25:33] You all remember who got the first round of shots, right?
[02:25:36] Hashtag comorbidities.
[02:25:38] You know what I mean?
[02:25:39] Diabetes for the win.
[02:25:41] So, that was good.
[02:25:42] For once, it paid off.
[02:25:42] for once it paid off. I see pictures of myself when I was in the Marine Corps. I’m like,
[02:25:46] damn, dude, you were hot. And now I just look like that guy that’s willing to eat a donut
[02:25:50] you’ve already been into. Right? I mean, it’s tough. Every once in a while, I’ll eat food
[02:25:56] I’m not 100% sure I dropped. That’s not really, that’s when you know, that’s when you know
[02:26:02] you’ve got a problem. I mean, I’m going to be honest, I love red meat. I love red meat
[02:26:05] to death, pork, brisket, all that stuff. My last physical, my cholesterol number had
[02:26:09] accommodated, so we got to, that’s not, we got to slow down, big fella. You know? America
[02:26:15] may run on, America may run on Dunkin’, but I walk in wheezing and sit down. I’m just
[02:26:21] saying. Some of you may wonder, why am I, why am I wearing this stupid hat on stage?
[02:26:26] Right? It’s because I’m sweating from standing here, talking. It’s not ideal. It’s not ideal,
[02:26:37] guys. You know what I mean? There are things that I just can’t.
[02:26:39] Ignore that. Really scream at me like, dude, you have got to take it easy with the weight
[02:26:43] gain. Right? I get targeted ads now on social media for Dash In. Anybody know what Dash
[02:26:50] In is? If you don’t know, Dash In is a gas station. But I don’t get targeted ads on my
[02:26:55] Facebook or my Instagram for Dash In gas. I get targeted ads for Dash In sandwiches,
[02:27:02] which I didn’t even know they had. So I guess successful marketing there. Right? But what
[02:27:09] am I, so let’s recap, okay? So my internet activity, whatever that may be, has led the
[02:27:14] algorithms to determine that I am likely to spend my hard-earned money on gas station
[02:27:22] sandwiches. I don’t, what am I doing online? That doesn’t even, I don’t even think I want
[02:27:29] to, right? That’s a weird stunt. What other questions we got here? Let’s see. Joe, have
[02:27:38] you ever been to CPR training? That’s a weird.
[02:27:39] Specific question. Yeah, it’s almost like I wrote that one. Yes, I have been to CPR
[02:27:43] training not that long ago. And it was weird because all my fellow employees during the
[02:27:48] training, I was the new guy. They kept looking back at me. Like every five minutes, one of
[02:27:53] them would look back at me. And I thought to myself, what are they? And then I realized
[02:27:57] they were sizing me up. Like when this fat bastard has a heart attack, are we going to
[02:28:01] be able to drag him out of here? Like how many of us is it going to take? You know what
[02:28:03] I mean? But it’s all right. At least they were prepared. Last question. No, no, not
[02:28:09] last question.
[02:28:09] Let’s see. The next question here is, Joe, do you have kids? Yes. That took a little
[02:28:23] longer than I was expecting, guys. I fumbled that. So don’t worry about it. It’s all right.
[02:28:26] My son just turned 18, though, believe it or not. Right? That’s very much. He’s graduating
[02:28:30] from high school. He’s a good guy. He’ll be watching right now. Love you, buddy. But
[02:28:35] it’s tough because he’s at that innocent age where like romance is still a thing. You
[02:28:39] know, he hasn’t been jaded yet. So he’ll say all these flowery, lovely things about his
[02:28:43] girlfriend, you know? And as a, you know, as a 39-year-old married man, it’s a little
[02:28:48] frustrating. I mean, it’s cute, but like, come on. You know? He’ll say things like,
[02:28:53] Joe, me and Katie talked all night and it felt like hours went by in minutes. And I’ve
[02:28:59] said to him before, buddy, that’s adorable, man. I can kind of relate to that one. Sometimes
[02:29:02] when your mom talks, it feels like minutes take hours. Tripped on that one. But the principle
[02:29:09] remains the same. I asked him not that long ago, what’s the biggest thing he’s learned
[02:29:13] about dating and relationships thus far? And Gen Z, guys, he says to me, the biggest thing
[02:29:21] that I’ve learned thus far in dating and relationships is how to hold in a fart for
[02:29:26] several hours. I almost cried. That’s brilliant, man. That kid’s way ahead of where I was at
[02:29:36] that age. Are you kidding me? Is there a better? I defy you.
[02:29:39] You’ll find a better lesson in dating, right? Unbelievable. Kid just leapfrogged me. Let’s
[02:29:45] see. Here’s another question. Joe, does medical marijuana help with your mental health? Short
[02:29:50] answer is no. I don’t have a problem with it. I think it’s great that people have access
[02:29:54] to it. I think it should be legal, no question about it. But it’s not great for comedy,
[02:29:58] guys. It just isn’t. And I’ll tell you why. The two best jokes, I don’t even know what
[02:30:03] to call them, that I wrote under the influence of medical marijuana are thus.
[02:30:09] Tyler, how would you know if a potato chip is upside down? It’s not even a joke. It’s
[02:30:15] so stupid. I wrote that down. I took the time to write that down as a joke and sent it to
[02:30:23] myself thinking, like, this is going to be gold, right? Netflix is just right around
[02:30:27] the corner, buddy. You made it. You’re a comedy genius. The other one is, the other
[02:30:33] one is, how would you know if a potato chip is upside down? It’s not even a joke. It’s
[02:30:39] just a joke. If you were murdered in your sleep. That’s just like a terrifying observation.
[02:30:45] Again, what are we? So, needless to say, God bless everyone that benefits from medical
[02:30:50] marijuana, but I’m not one of those people. A couple of last questions here. Joe, did
[02:30:56] the pandemic change anything for you? Or what’s the biggest thing the pandemic changed
[02:30:59] for you? The truth of the matter is, guys, it’s apocalypse movies, I think, is probably
[02:31:04] going to be forever altered. Because if the next apocalypse movie doesn’t start with a
[02:31:09] hand sanitizer shortage, I’m walking out. Right? You got to keep it. I’m just saying,
[02:31:12] be realistic. Get the hell out of here with that. Let’s see. All right. Last question here.
[02:31:17] Joe, do you have any pro tips for other married couples? Matter of fact, I do. This one’s
[02:31:22] primarily for you, fellas. Okay? So, you’re welcome. Fellas, we all know, right, our ladies,
[02:31:27] our partners, whoever they may be, they always have a show that they love to watch that we
[02:31:32] can’t stand, right? In my house, it’s the Great British Bake Off. Has anybody seen this
[02:31:37] show?
[02:31:39] Oh, my God. Every time my wife puts it on, it’s like, somebody crash a plane into this
[02:31:43] house. I can’t even. Guys, it’s not that I hate the show. It’s that I went to the Iraq
[02:31:48] War twice. And I saw a grown man on that show talk about how he cried for four straight
[02:31:52] days because his souffle collapsed. I can’t. I mean, I cried for four days once in Iraq,
[02:32:00] but it wasn’t because my souffle collapsed. You know what I’m saying? Like, come on,
[02:32:02] man. So, here’s what you do, guys. All right? So, everybody knows your partner has that
[02:32:06] show they love to watch. You can’t stand. So, here’s what you do.
[02:32:09] This works best with the ladies. If your lady’s watching that show that she loves and
[02:32:15] you can’t stand, you find a woman on the show that she doesn’t like. And there’ll be a woman
[02:32:20] on the show she doesn’t like. I promise you that. Okay? So, anytime something good happens
[02:32:25] to that woman, that woman does something good, you whisper gently, lovingly, just loud
[02:32:34] enough for your lady to hear. Good for her.
[02:32:39] 100% of the time, that works 100% of the time, guys. That’s my time. My name is Joe
[02:32:47] Gagliardi. I hope you guys enjoyed that. Thanks very much for putting this on. I appreciate
[02:32:52] you guys very much.