Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vbAZeaI8iH8 Starts at: 02:19:48 (jump to 02:19:48)
Joe Gagliardi - Comedy Set
[02:19:48] Thank you Christina. [02:19:49] Yes, thank you Christina. [02:19:50] That was beautiful. [02:19:51] Thank you so much. [02:19:52] I was waiting for that. [02:19:53] I was talking to her earlier. [02:19:54] I was like, you’re going to. [02:19:55] No, you just wanted to get me to sing. [02:19:57] So sing. [02:19:59] Okay. [02:20:01] All right. [02:20:02] For the sake of time. [02:20:03] For the sake of supporting others. [02:20:04] We want to hear everyone. [02:20:06] So if we could bring our best works forward. [02:20:09] Because we’ve got a couple of staged acts. [02:20:14] How do you want it Joey? [02:20:16] Yeah, like how do you want it? [02:20:18] Coming to the stage. [02:20:21] There it is. [02:20:23] Joey Gagliotti. [02:20:25] Give it up for the ladies and gentlemen. [02:20:32] Thank you guys very much. [02:20:34] I appreciate that. [02:20:35] If you haven’t figured it out by now, I’m the comedian in the bunch. [02:20:38] So we’re going to reset our energy a little bit. [02:20:41] All right. [02:20:42] Because that was amazing. [02:20:43] Christina, give it up for her one more time. [02:20:44] Well done. [02:20:45] Thank you for sharing. [02:20:46] I like doing this. [02:20:47] I like everybody. [02:20:48] If you would put your hands together. [02:20:49] Rub them together. [02:20:50] All right. [02:20:51] Rub them together. [02:20:52] Get them nice and warm. [02:20:53] All right. [02:20:54] Take a deep breath. [02:20:55] Put them over your eyes. [02:20:56] Deep breath out. [02:20:57] And now for some dick jokes. [02:20:58] No, I’m just kidding. [02:20:59] No, I’m just kidding, guys. [02:21:00] You’re going to have to bear with me here, okay? [02:21:01] I’ve performed live once in the last 18 months. [02:21:02] So if this doesn’t go well, the name to remember is Tyler Calabrese. [02:21:03] You know what I’m saying? [02:21:04] Oh, God. [02:21:05] I want to address the clipboard up here too. [02:21:06] I was in the Marine Corps. [02:21:07] In the Marine Corps, often you take some blood. [02:21:08] Thanks very much. [02:21:09] I appreciate that. [02:21:10] Thank you. [02:21:11] Thank you. [02:21:12] Thank you. [02:21:13] Thank you. [02:21:14] Thank you. [02:21:15] Thank you. [02:21:16] Thank you. [02:21:17] Thank you. [02:21:18] Thank you. [02:21:19] Thank you. [02:21:20] Oftentimes in the Marine Corps, they don’t put in the recruiting post, you’re going to [02:21:26] take blows to the head. [02:21:27] Maybe you’ll lose a brain cell or two along the way. [02:21:29] So I’m not very good at memorization. [02:21:30] So you got that. [02:21:32] Just follow this. [02:21:33] Tyler got it. [02:21:35] He knows. [02:21:36] But have no fear, guys. [02:21:38] I’m fully vaccinated, okay? [02:21:41] So for you in the front row, you’re welcome for the upgraded 5G. [02:21:44] Enjoy that. [02:21:45] If you lose internet, just point it right here, okay? [02:21:48] All right. [02:21:49] God. [02:21:49] Put your phone right there. [02:21:51] But it is a thrill, guys. [02:21:53] It is a thrill to be back up in front of people live on a stage [02:21:56] because for the last 18 months, I’ve been doing these virtual Zoom shows, [02:22:00] and it’s just not the same as live comedy, right? [02:22:02] Like right now, I’m looking at you all. [02:22:04] It’s scary up here, right? [02:22:05] I’m vulnerable. [02:22:07] There’s a real rush to this, right? [02:22:08] Tyler, you know what I’m talking about. [02:22:10] This is sort of like skydiving. [02:22:13] Virtual shows are sort of like putting on a parachute [02:22:16] and jumping out of a parked car. [02:22:17] That’s like in your own driveway. [02:22:21] It’s just not. [02:22:24] I’m just saying it’s not the same, but I’m glad to be here. [02:22:26] Super honored, Tyler. [02:22:27] Thank you guys for having me back. [02:22:29] Give it up, guys, for NAMI, Anne Arundel County. [02:22:31] Great work. [02:22:32] These people are doing really amazing. [02:22:35] This stuff’s not easy. [02:22:37] It is super important, as you all probably know, to support the arts, right? [02:22:40] Even us comedians, or as we’ve been known for the last 18 months, [02:22:44] door dashers. [02:22:47] Which has not been ideal. [02:22:49] I actually left a six-figure career, if you can believe that, to pursue comedy. [02:22:54] Because midlife crises are real, people. [02:22:58] And I’m going to be honest with you. [02:22:59] I encourage any of you to do the same. [02:23:01] If you’re in a lucrative career that you hate, [02:23:03] you want to follow your dreams, do so. [02:23:05] Because at the end of the day, [02:23:07] hoping you can pay your mortgage is a lot more exciting than knowing you can. [02:23:10] You know what I’m saying, right? [02:23:12] So. [02:23:15] You don’t enjoy your life. [02:23:17] Right? [02:23:17] Take some risks. [02:23:19] But this is a real treat. [02:23:20] I live in Annapolis. [02:23:21] And usually I’m performing in D.C. or Northern Virginia or some godforsaken place [02:23:24] that’s an hour or more away. [02:23:26] So I normally ask if anybody’s seen me before. [02:23:29] So by a round of applause, anybody seen me perform before? [02:23:34] Nice. [02:23:35] It’s my dad back there. [02:23:37] I thought he was going to be the only one. [02:23:39] So I kind of set that up. [02:23:39] I was going to be like, oh, I’m not done. [02:23:41] All right, that blew up in my face. [02:23:43] I forgot you guys. [02:23:44] I forgot it was last year. [02:23:46] Woo! [02:23:48] Let’s see what you got. [02:23:48] So, all right. [02:23:49] Well, since most of you haven’t seen me, all right, [02:23:52] I thought we’d do a little get to know your pal Joe G here, right? [02:23:55] Joe Gagliardi. [02:23:56] So I asked some of you some questions. [02:23:58] Or I asked some of you to submit some questions before the show. [02:24:00] And I’ve got them here. [02:24:01] So we’ll dive right in. [02:24:02] Okay, so we’ve got question number one, Joe. [02:24:04] How do you identify? [02:24:07] I’ll start with my pronouns. [02:24:09] But I did not pay a ton of attention in grammar. [02:24:13] Are pronouns the ones that end in L-Y? [02:24:15] Is that? [02:24:17] Is that pronouns? [02:24:20] I don’t remember. [02:24:21] No, but I do. [02:24:22] I identify as a heterosexual male. [02:24:24] I turn 40 in a couple of weeks. [02:24:26] And that’s tough because that really is the age where I need to start considering sex [02:24:28] to be an activity where I can be seriously injured. [02:24:30] You know what I’m saying? [02:24:34] Nobody’s getting any younger around here. [02:24:36] And for you young ones out there, I’m going to be perfectly honest. [02:24:38] Someday you’re going to get a hamstring cramp during sex. [02:24:41] And you’ll see. [02:24:42] It’s tough getting older, too, because you start to change. [02:24:49] Like, your libido starts to change, right? [02:24:51] I mean, my libido has deteriorated to the point that somebody gave my wife and I a copy of Debbie Does Dallas. [02:24:57] And all of me hoped it was a travel blog. [02:25:01] So, there goes that. [02:25:04] But, all right, let’s see what we’ve got. [02:25:05] Next question here. [02:25:06] Joe, you were in the Marines. [02:25:08] Do you still work out? [02:25:10] No. [02:25:10] No. [02:25:10] No. [02:25:10] No. [02:25:10] No. [02:25:10] No. [02:25:10] No. [02:25:10] No. [02:25:11] No. [02:25:11] No. [02:25:11] No. [02:25:11] No. [02:25:11] No. [02:25:11] No. [02:25:11] No. [02:25:11] No. [02:25:11] No. [02:25:11] No. [02:25:11] No. [02:25:11] No. [02:25:11] No. [02:25:11] No. [02:25:12] No. [02:25:13] No. [02:25:13] No. [02:25:14] No. [02:25:14] No. [02:25:14] No. [02:25:14] No. [02:25:14] No. [02:25:14] No. [02:25:14] No. [02:25:14] No. [02:25:14] I think that’s obvious. [02:25:17] Dumb question. [02:25:23] Before the pandemic, you couldn’t tell me and Justin Bieber apart. [02:25:26] I’ll put it like that. [02:25:27] It’s been a rough 18 months on your pal Joey G. [02:25:30] But, for once, being overweight paid off. [02:25:33] You all remember who got the first round of shots, right? [02:25:36] Hashtag comorbidities. [02:25:38] You know what I mean? [02:25:39] Diabetes for the win. [02:25:41] So, that was good. [02:25:42] For once, it paid off. [02:25:42] for once it paid off. I see pictures of myself when I was in the Marine Corps. I’m like, [02:25:46] damn, dude, you were hot. And now I just look like that guy that’s willing to eat a donut [02:25:50] you’ve already been into. Right? I mean, it’s tough. Every once in a while, I’ll eat food [02:25:56] I’m not 100% sure I dropped. That’s not really, that’s when you know, that’s when you know [02:26:02] you’ve got a problem. I mean, I’m going to be honest, I love red meat. I love red meat [02:26:05] to death, pork, brisket, all that stuff. My last physical, my cholesterol number had [02:26:09] accommodated, so we got to, that’s not, we got to slow down, big fella. You know? America [02:26:15] may run on, America may run on Dunkin’, but I walk in wheezing and sit down. I’m just [02:26:21] saying. Some of you may wonder, why am I, why am I wearing this stupid hat on stage? [02:26:26] Right? It’s because I’m sweating from standing here, talking. It’s not ideal. It’s not ideal, [02:26:37] guys. You know what I mean? There are things that I just can’t. [02:26:39] Ignore that. Really scream at me like, dude, you have got to take it easy with the weight [02:26:43] gain. Right? I get targeted ads now on social media for Dash In. Anybody know what Dash [02:26:50] In is? If you don’t know, Dash In is a gas station. But I don’t get targeted ads on my [02:26:55] Facebook or my Instagram for Dash In gas. I get targeted ads for Dash In sandwiches, [02:27:02] which I didn’t even know they had. So I guess successful marketing there. Right? But what [02:27:09] am I, so let’s recap, okay? So my internet activity, whatever that may be, has led the [02:27:14] algorithms to determine that I am likely to spend my hard-earned money on gas station [02:27:22] sandwiches. I don’t, what am I doing online? That doesn’t even, I don’t even think I want [02:27:29] to, right? That’s a weird stunt. What other questions we got here? Let’s see. Joe, have [02:27:38] you ever been to CPR training? That’s a weird. [02:27:39] Specific question. Yeah, it’s almost like I wrote that one. Yes, I have been to CPR [02:27:43] training not that long ago. And it was weird because all my fellow employees during the [02:27:48] training, I was the new guy. They kept looking back at me. Like every five minutes, one of [02:27:53] them would look back at me. And I thought to myself, what are they? And then I realized [02:27:57] they were sizing me up. Like when this fat bastard has a heart attack, are we going to [02:28:01] be able to drag him out of here? Like how many of us is it going to take? You know what [02:28:03] I mean? But it’s all right. At least they were prepared. Last question. No, no, not [02:28:09] last question. [02:28:09] Let’s see. The next question here is, Joe, do you have kids? Yes. That took a little [02:28:23] longer than I was expecting, guys. I fumbled that. So don’t worry about it. It’s all right. [02:28:26] My son just turned 18, though, believe it or not. Right? That’s very much. He’s graduating [02:28:30] from high school. He’s a good guy. He’ll be watching right now. Love you, buddy. But [02:28:35] it’s tough because he’s at that innocent age where like romance is still a thing. You [02:28:39] know, he hasn’t been jaded yet. So he’ll say all these flowery, lovely things about his [02:28:43] girlfriend, you know? And as a, you know, as a 39-year-old married man, it’s a little [02:28:48] frustrating. I mean, it’s cute, but like, come on. You know? He’ll say things like, [02:28:53] Joe, me and Katie talked all night and it felt like hours went by in minutes. And I’ve [02:28:59] said to him before, buddy, that’s adorable, man. I can kind of relate to that one. Sometimes [02:29:02] when your mom talks, it feels like minutes take hours. Tripped on that one. But the principle [02:29:09] remains the same. I asked him not that long ago, what’s the biggest thing he’s learned [02:29:13] about dating and relationships thus far? And Gen Z, guys, he says to me, the biggest thing [02:29:21] that I’ve learned thus far in dating and relationships is how to hold in a fart for [02:29:26] several hours. I almost cried. That’s brilliant, man. That kid’s way ahead of where I was at [02:29:36] that age. Are you kidding me? Is there a better? I defy you. [02:29:39] You’ll find a better lesson in dating, right? Unbelievable. Kid just leapfrogged me. Let’s [02:29:45] see. Here’s another question. Joe, does medical marijuana help with your mental health? Short [02:29:50] answer is no. I don’t have a problem with it. I think it’s great that people have access [02:29:54] to it. I think it should be legal, no question about it. But it’s not great for comedy, [02:29:58] guys. It just isn’t. And I’ll tell you why. The two best jokes, I don’t even know what [02:30:03] to call them, that I wrote under the influence of medical marijuana are thus. [02:30:09] Tyler, how would you know if a potato chip is upside down? It’s not even a joke. It’s [02:30:15] so stupid. I wrote that down. I took the time to write that down as a joke and sent it to [02:30:23] myself thinking, like, this is going to be gold, right? Netflix is just right around [02:30:27] the corner, buddy. You made it. You’re a comedy genius. The other one is, the other [02:30:33] one is, how would you know if a potato chip is upside down? It’s not even a joke. It’s [02:30:39] just a joke. If you were murdered in your sleep. That’s just like a terrifying observation. [02:30:45] Again, what are we? So, needless to say, God bless everyone that benefits from medical [02:30:50] marijuana, but I’m not one of those people. A couple of last questions here. Joe, did [02:30:56] the pandemic change anything for you? Or what’s the biggest thing the pandemic changed [02:30:59] for you? The truth of the matter is, guys, it’s apocalypse movies, I think, is probably [02:31:04] going to be forever altered. Because if the next apocalypse movie doesn’t start with a [02:31:09] hand sanitizer shortage, I’m walking out. Right? You got to keep it. I’m just saying, [02:31:12] be realistic. Get the hell out of here with that. Let’s see. All right. Last question here. [02:31:17] Joe, do you have any pro tips for other married couples? Matter of fact, I do. This one’s [02:31:22] primarily for you, fellas. Okay? So, you’re welcome. Fellas, we all know, right, our ladies, [02:31:27] our partners, whoever they may be, they always have a show that they love to watch that we [02:31:32] can’t stand, right? In my house, it’s the Great British Bake Off. Has anybody seen this [02:31:37] show? [02:31:39] Oh, my God. Every time my wife puts it on, it’s like, somebody crash a plane into this [02:31:43] house. I can’t even. Guys, it’s not that I hate the show. It’s that I went to the Iraq [02:31:48] War twice. And I saw a grown man on that show talk about how he cried for four straight [02:31:52] days because his souffle collapsed. I can’t. I mean, I cried for four days once in Iraq, [02:32:00] but it wasn’t because my souffle collapsed. You know what I’m saying? Like, come on, [02:32:02] man. So, here’s what you do, guys. All right? So, everybody knows your partner has that [02:32:06] show they love to watch. You can’t stand. So, here’s what you do. [02:32:09] This works best with the ladies. If your lady’s watching that show that she loves and [02:32:15] you can’t stand, you find a woman on the show that she doesn’t like. And there’ll be a woman [02:32:20] on the show she doesn’t like. I promise you that. Okay? So, anytime something good happens [02:32:25] to that woman, that woman does something good, you whisper gently, lovingly, just loud [02:32:34] enough for your lady to hear. Good for her. [02:32:39] 100% of the time, that works 100% of the time, guys. That’s my time. My name is Joe [02:32:47] Gagliardi. I hope you guys enjoyed that. Thanks very much for putting this on. I appreciate [02:32:52] you guys very much.