Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vbAZeaI8iH8 Starts at: 02:12:34 (jump to 02:12:34)
Christina - Bipolar, GAD, and BPD Poems
[02:12:34] Next up, we have Christina. [02:12:37] Hi. [02:12:38] Hi. [02:12:39] Christina. [02:12:40] Yeah, you know who you are. [02:12:41] Yeah. [02:12:42] Yes, my girl. [02:12:43] OK. [02:12:44] I guess I’ll project up. [02:12:45] So I used to be a facilitator with NAMI. [02:12:46] I have had the struggle. [02:12:47] Obviously, there is a worldwide being that I have to deal with. [02:12:50] I’ve had a lot of people say, oh, you know what? [02:12:55] You’re like, you’re a good man. [02:12:56] You’re a good man. [02:12:57] You’re a good man. [02:12:58] You’re a good man. [02:12:59] You’re a good man. [02:13:00] And I’ve had a lot of people say, oh, you’re a good man. [02:13:01] That’s the only good man thing I’ve ever heard. [02:13:02] Although, I always say, you know what? [02:13:03] I’m a good man. [02:13:04] I’m a good man. [02:13:05] I’m a good man. [02:13:06] I’m a good man. [02:13:07] Obviously, there was a worldwide pandemic, and… [02:13:11] Sorry. [02:13:14] Sorry. [02:13:20] Sorry. [02:13:21] Sorry. [02:13:24] So, my mental health definitely took a nosedive. [02:13:33] So… [02:13:33] So, the way I deal with things is I write. [02:13:42] So, I’m going to share some of my mental health poems. [02:13:50] So, I will start. [02:13:51] This is called Bipolar. [02:13:54] I always attempted to skate from the confined walls of my mind, [02:13:58] being held back by brain slush. [02:14:01] It was like memories were dead and had to remember [02:14:03] how to escape. [02:14:03] Everything all over again. [02:14:06] But it was not like that. [02:14:08] Smarled, snarled, entangled, divine. [02:14:12] The half-light that led me this far, [02:14:14] and on occasion the words would depart [02:14:16] into something more suitable, [02:14:18] for my able-bodied tongue [02:14:19] growed thick with disuse. [02:14:22] Muse, as it were, [02:14:24] drowned every second of every day [02:14:26] while I was out there coming home [02:14:28] from somewhere I wish I had never been. [02:14:33] Bipolar. [02:14:33] Bipolar. [02:14:33] Bipolar. [02:14:34] Bipolar. [02:14:34] Bipolar. [02:14:34] Bipolar. [02:14:34] Bipolar. [02:14:34] Bipolar. [02:14:34] Bipolar. [02:14:34] Bipolar. [02:14:34] Bipolar. [02:14:34] Bipolar. [02:14:34] Bipolar. [02:14:34] Bipolar. [02:14:34] Bipolar. [02:14:34] Bipolar. [02:14:35] Bipolar. [02:14:35] Bipolar. [02:14:35] Bipolar. [02:14:35] Bipolar. [02:14:35] Bipolar. [02:14:35] Bipolar. [02:14:35] Bipolar. [02:14:35] What is wrong with the brain today? [02:14:37] Why are these thoughts even alive? [02:14:40] Don’t I deserve some sort of relief? [02:14:42] Living. [02:14:43] Living each day to the fullest is a hard thing to do. [02:14:47] To even say. [02:14:49] Drowning. [02:14:50] Drowning then subsiding in the darkest, deepest hole ever imaginable. [02:14:55] Tomorrow there will be light. [02:14:57] Yesterday there was song. [02:14:59] Today. [02:15:00] Today there is chaos. [02:15:02] I am not myself. [02:15:04] Never will be. [02:15:05] Who am I? [02:15:06] Really? [02:15:08] I can feel. [02:15:09] Almost touch reality that is true to me. [02:15:12] But I hold back. [02:15:13] There is a wall that won’t let me through. [02:15:16] Never will cease. [02:15:17] I hope for a future where I will be cleansed and can rejoin society as one of them. [02:15:24] The next one is called GAD. [02:15:26] Sorry if I’m reading too fast. [02:15:29] I used to never get, I used to never, I mean, I do, I do open nights with the local poetry community. [02:15:37] But it’s just sometimes I get nervous. [02:15:45] Okay, the next one is called GAD. [02:15:47] That is the acronym for generalized anxiety disorder. [02:15:51] This is called a villanelle. [02:15:53] So you will see the rhythm. [02:15:55] When the mind cannot rest. [02:15:57] Morning is far away and heart trembles and breast body greatly stressed starting to yearn for day when the mind cannot rest racing hopes are depressed thoughts consume what are they the heart trembles and breast breath is caught in the chest anxiety can’t stay because the mind cannot rest one learns steps of the quest. [02:16:25] One learns steps of the quest. [02:16:27] Folded hands cannot pray for heart trembles and breast. [02:16:33] One never could have guessed how the mind got this way when the mind cannot rest and heart trembles and breast. [02:16:42] Now I’ve read the, I only have two more. [02:16:44] I promise I’ll be off soon. [02:16:51] This first one is called borderline personality disorder number one. [02:16:57] There are avenues I dare not cross. [02:16:59] Fear is simple and complicated. [02:17:01] I swallow the venom. [02:17:03] It pierces my skull with enough force to bring me down with it. [02:17:07] Inside I am hiding, emotionless. [02:17:11] A foreign subject not clearly understood with all this hatred for myself. [02:17:15] Outside outward appearance trembles and decay. [02:17:21] How much longer will it be till I am dead? [02:17:23] No longer inside my head. [02:17:25] No longer inside my head. [02:17:27] I am looking. [02:17:29] I’m outside looking in. [02:17:31] This fog that covers everything, its breath drowns me into it, destabilizing what I thought I was. [02:17:38] I reach out to be swallowed by the sinkhole my weight is upon. [02:17:42] Drowning in a sad attempt to end it all. [02:17:45] I know fear rears its ugly head. [02:17:48] I smile at it concealing itself inside me for so long. [02:17:52] Only I refuse to believe. [02:17:54] One after another. [02:17:56] For how much longer must I sit here and be weightless? [02:18:00] And I’m borderline personality disorder too. [02:18:03] I’ve crossed these avenues a dozen times before. [02:18:07] And yet it still feels the same. [02:18:10] Nothing changes. [02:18:12] The sun still warms my back but not my cheeks. [02:18:16] And I am spiraling down the rabbit hole. [02:18:23] And I can’t hold on for dear life. [02:18:25] It is being sucked out of me. [02:18:29] The darkness spilling over into the black. [02:18:31] And I hold my breath to the count of ten. [02:18:34] And the many faces subside. [02:18:37] Which one do I wear? [02:18:39] Which one do I hide from? [02:18:41] It is all black and white. [02:18:43] I can’t find the beautiful gray in between. [02:18:47] Your words deceived you. [02:18:50] I held you so high all those times. [02:18:52] And now you are gone. [02:18:54] The steam of a memory. [02:18:56] The high mountain peaks I cannot reach. [02:18:58] I am just swirling around and around. [02:19:01] A carousel. [02:19:03] I thought I saw you in the distance but it was just me. [02:19:06] Holding onto something that makes no sense in the end. [02:19:09] But when I look at it, when I feel sober, I can’t help but laugh at the hand I’ve dealt myself. [02:19:15] It was all just me weeping in the end. [02:19:18] No higher altitudes reached. [02:19:20] No pen to paper references. [02:19:22] I forgot what it was like. [02:19:24] Like to be held for once. [02:19:26] For me being real. [02:19:27] Myself. [02:19:28] But there are the other sides to me. [02:19:30] The rough around the edges types that have lost the words while still holding them all in.