Jillian Amodio, founder of Moms for Mental Health, delivers a candid spoken-word personal testimony about her experience with postpartum depression, culminating in the live reading of a letter she wrote to her husband during her darkest period. She frames the piece as a call to destigmatize maternal mental health struggles and to reassure other mothers that it is okay not to feel okay.
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Transcript
[01:15:25] amadio
[01:15:27] see i don’t know i don’t know so claim your name claim your name
[01:15:34] like however you choose it means however you want it to be
[01:15:38] let the folks know
[01:15:40] audio, amodio, manada, maradillo
[01:15:42] it is what it is
[01:15:44] i hear you do it
[01:15:46] oh hold on hold on hold on
[01:15:48] that makes a difference
[01:15:50] we didn’t even give her a proper come up nobody clap nothing
[01:15:52] hold on hold on hold on
[01:15:58] she was on the roll though
[01:16:00] we need a proper
[01:16:02] that was her stand up routine that’s how she like ushered herself onto the stage
[01:16:04] we ain’t clap for her to come on we ain’t
[01:16:06] we gotta do better we gotta do better
[01:16:08] folks alright so
[01:16:10] let’s get it come on
[01:16:12] i was just about to go stripper style like coming to the stage
[01:16:14] no no do more like
[01:16:16] i’m not gonna do that i’m not gonna do that
[01:16:18] do more wwe style like
[01:16:20] coming to the ring
[01:16:26] i do it regular
[01:16:28] coming to the stage
[01:16:30] oh that was
[01:16:32] i didn’t like that
[01:16:34] you need more energy come on
[01:16:36] coming to the stage
[01:16:38] jillian
[01:16:40] amadio
[01:16:42] oh
[01:16:46] that was better
[01:16:48] okay
[01:16:50] cool am i
[01:16:52] okay no
[01:16:54] um hi
[01:16:56] how are you
[01:16:58] um i’m jillian
[01:17:00] amadio
[01:17:02] whatever
[01:17:04] i am the founder of moms for mental health
[01:17:06] um and
[01:17:08] i’m a lot of things um and one of the things i
[01:17:10] am is a bomb ass mom
[01:17:12] um
[01:17:14] um
[01:17:16] my kids agree like you know
[01:17:18] 75% of the time
[01:17:20] um but i’m a really good mom
[01:17:22] i’m a great mom
[01:17:24] and that’s not
[01:17:26] cocky or arrogant that’s
[01:17:28] confident and that is
[01:17:30] owning my truth
[01:17:32] um but it took me a long time to get there
[01:17:34] because i struggled i have two kids
[01:17:36] and
[01:17:38] prior kids i struggled with anxiety and depression
[01:17:40] it wasn’t really something we talked about in my family
[01:17:42] it was like why are you sad
[01:17:44] i don’t know mom i’m just sad
[01:17:46] well if you can’t tell me why i can’t help you get over it
[01:17:48] and that was pretty much like our mental health talk
[01:17:50] it’s like okay cool
[01:17:52] i’ll just hide it so
[01:17:54] what i didn’t realize when i became a mom
[01:17:56] is that it’s not like
[01:17:58] everybody tells you oh my gosh
[01:18:00] once you hold that baby
[01:18:02] your heart is gonna be so full
[01:18:04] my heart was not full
[01:18:06] my heart was shattered and i was like
[01:18:08] i’m just scared shitless
[01:18:10] and then they send you home with this little worm
[01:18:12] and you’re like what the fuck do i do with it
[01:18:16] like i hated it
[01:18:18] and i know that sounds awful but i hated it
[01:18:20] people are like oh my god you missed the baby age
[01:18:22] and i’m like no they couldn’t fucking talk
[01:18:24] all i did was cry all i did was scream
[01:18:26] and i didn’t know what was wrong and i called the pediatrician
[01:18:28] and she was like yeah your kids are difficult
[01:18:30] mommy
[01:18:32] okay cool
[01:18:34] so my kids are now um
[01:18:36] nine and
[01:18:38] six and
[01:18:40] they can talk now so that’s like a bonus
[01:18:42] um
[01:18:44] i really like that yeah they can tell me what they need
[01:18:46] and then i can be like that’s actually not a need
[01:18:48] that they want sorry
[01:18:50] um yeah and i love it like i love being a mom now
[01:18:52] it’s really great
[01:18:54] um but i struggle deeply with postpartum depression
[01:18:56] and um
[01:18:58] we were watching family videos one time
[01:19:00] and looking at the family videos i like hit my husband
[01:19:02] you know not one of the texts not like
[01:19:04] oh i have something to tell you like the oh my god
[01:19:06] and he’s like what? i was like
[01:19:08] i was a good mom
[01:19:10] the videos show that
[01:19:12] the videos prove i was a good mom
[01:19:14] and he’s like yeah yeah
[01:19:16] you were
[01:19:18] but my brain wasn’t telling me that
[01:19:20] my brain was telling me you’d be better off without me
[01:19:22] these kids deserve someone better
[01:19:24] your kids are going to grow up knowing that you hated them
[01:19:26] knowing that you didn’t want them
[01:19:28] knowing that you didn’t love them
[01:19:30] you should give your kids up
[01:19:32] no you know what you shouldn’t give your kids up you should leave
[01:19:34] you should go kill yourself
[01:19:36] you should be better with no mom than you as a mom
[01:19:38] that’s what my brain was telling me
[01:19:40] and i didn’t even realize how bad it was
[01:19:42] until i was cleaning my house
[01:19:44] because i’m a really good domestic goddess
[01:19:46] um
[01:19:48] and i opened
[01:19:50] you know one of those like junk drawers where you’re like
[01:19:52] ah shit can i just go in there
[01:19:54] well i found this letter to myself
[01:19:56] no actually i’m sorry it wasn’t a letter to myself
[01:19:58] it was a letter to my husband
[01:20:00] basically apologizing for being a shit person
[01:20:02] and
[01:20:04] the thing i love about this letter is
[01:20:06] he read this and i remember his response
[01:20:08] it was like this isn’t you
[01:20:10] you’re good
[01:20:12] this isn’t you
[01:20:14] and this is just a testament to what we can come through
[01:20:16] together when we have support
[01:20:18] so i’m going to read you this letter
[01:20:20] because this was my brain in the throes of postpartum depression
[01:20:22] and it’s sad
[01:20:24] and i don’t want anyone to feel like they have to struggle
[01:20:26] because they’re afraid that people are going to judge them
[01:20:28] for not being overjoyed that they have a baby
[01:20:30] or being scared to talk to their doctor
[01:20:32] because when you ask are you going to take my kids away
[01:20:34] they’re like meh depends on what you tell me
[01:20:36] so yeah
[01:20:38] i don’t want anyone to feel alone
[01:20:40] i want people to know that it’s okay not to feel okay
[01:20:42] so this letter says
[01:20:44] my family is my favorite thing in this life
[01:20:46] and yet time and time again
[01:20:48] i fail to love you all the way i should
[01:20:50] you give me your best
[01:20:52] and in return you get the worst of me
[01:20:54] you give me your love your patience
[01:20:56] your time your understanding
[01:20:58] and you get my emotional instability
[01:21:00] my anger my coldness
[01:21:02] my irrational reasoning
[01:21:04] our kids deserve a better mom and you deserve a better life
[01:21:06] i can’t tell you how sorry i am
[01:21:08] that i can’t love you all the way you deserve
[01:21:10] i love you more than life itself
[01:21:12] but i seem to have an awful way
[01:21:14] of showing it
[01:21:16] every night i go to bed hating myself
[01:21:18] for the things i’ve done wrong
[01:21:20] and every morning i wake up wanting to do better
[01:21:22] i just don’t know how
[01:21:24] i don’t know where the better me is hiding
[01:21:26] i love you all but i’m terrified
[01:21:28] that i’m pushing you away
[01:21:30] i can’t lose you but also
[01:21:32] i understand if you want to leave
[01:21:34] i feel like i have so much to give
[01:21:36] and so much to offer
[01:21:38] i truly do have the best of intentions
[01:21:40] but i’m so exhausted emotionally physically mentally
[01:21:42] i can’t put any of it into action
[01:21:44] i feel like a fake
[01:21:46] a fraud
[01:21:48] how can i teach kindness and patience
[01:21:50] when i fail to show it
[01:21:52] how can i expect your love
[01:21:54] when i don’t deserve it
[01:21:56] how can i teach self love and positive image
[01:21:58] when i have such immense
[01:22:00] amounts of self hatred within me
[01:22:02] i don’t know what to do
[01:22:04] or how to fix any of it
[01:22:06] i know that you all deserve better
[01:22:08] you deserve the best of me
[01:22:10] not me at my worst
[01:22:12] i love you i promise
[01:22:14] i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry
[01:22:16] you married someone fun
[01:22:18] funny confident smart
[01:22:20] vibrant kind patient and forgiving
[01:22:22] and here all you have is shit
[01:22:24] i’m sure you want her back
[01:22:26] and i’m doing my best to find her
[01:22:28] it took me a long time to find her
[01:22:30] but she’s back
[01:22:36] wow
[01:22:42] i’m glad you are back
[01:22:44] thank you so much
[01:22:46] thank you so much
[01:22:48] you may not know this but
[01:22:50] your kids was watching
[01:22:56] yeah they was like that’s my mom
[01:22:58] when you went out somebody was like that’s my mom
[01:23:00] and they said how to pronounce the joint
[01:23:02] it’s ah ma di yo
[01:23:04] they wrote it out
[01:23:06] ma di yo
[01:23:08] well what’s your problem then
[01:23:12] oh she got married into it
[01:23:14] yeah she just she married him
[01:23:16] for him not his last name you feel me
[01:23:18] yeah
[01:23:20] yeah we’ll take that
[01:23:22] well thank you so much