Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vbAZeaI8iH8 Starts at: 01:15:25 (jump to 01:15:25)
Jillian Amodio - Postpartum Depression Letter
[01:15:25] amadio [01:15:27] see i don’t know i don’t know so claim your name claim your name [01:15:34] like however you choose it means however you want it to be [01:15:38] let the folks know [01:15:40] audio, amodio, manada, maradillo [01:15:42] it is what it is [01:15:44] i hear you do it [01:15:46] oh hold on hold on hold on [01:15:48] that makes a difference [01:15:50] we didn’t even give her a proper come up nobody clap nothing [01:15:52] hold on hold on hold on [01:15:58] she was on the roll though [01:16:00] we need a proper [01:16:02] that was her stand up routine that’s how she like ushered herself onto the stage [01:16:04] we ain’t clap for her to come on we ain’t [01:16:06] we gotta do better we gotta do better [01:16:08] folks alright so [01:16:10] let’s get it come on [01:16:12] i was just about to go stripper style like coming to the stage [01:16:14] no no do more like [01:16:16] i’m not gonna do that i’m not gonna do that [01:16:18] do more wwe style like [01:16:20] coming to the ring [01:16:26] i do it regular [01:16:28] coming to the stage [01:16:30] oh that was [01:16:32] i didn’t like that [01:16:34] you need more energy come on [01:16:36] coming to the stage [01:16:38] jillian [01:16:40] amadio [01:16:42] oh [01:16:46] that was better [01:16:48] okay [01:16:50] cool am i [01:16:52] okay no [01:16:54] um hi [01:16:56] how are you [01:16:58] um i’m jillian [01:17:00] amadio [01:17:02] whatever [01:17:04] i am the founder of moms for mental health [01:17:06] um and [01:17:08] i’m a lot of things um and one of the things i [01:17:10] am is a bomb ass mom [01:17:12] um [01:17:14] um [01:17:16] my kids agree like you know [01:17:18] 75% of the time [01:17:20] um but i’m a really good mom [01:17:22] i’m a great mom [01:17:24] and that’s not [01:17:26] cocky or arrogant that’s [01:17:28] confident and that is [01:17:30] owning my truth [01:17:32] um but it took me a long time to get there [01:17:34] because i struggled i have two kids [01:17:36] and [01:17:38] prior kids i struggled with anxiety and depression [01:17:40] it wasn’t really something we talked about in my family [01:17:42] it was like why are you sad [01:17:44] i don’t know mom i’m just sad [01:17:46] well if you can’t tell me why i can’t help you get over it [01:17:48] and that was pretty much like our mental health talk [01:17:50] it’s like okay cool [01:17:52] i’ll just hide it so [01:17:54] what i didn’t realize when i became a mom [01:17:56] is that it’s not like [01:17:58] everybody tells you oh my gosh [01:18:00] once you hold that baby [01:18:02] your heart is gonna be so full [01:18:04] my heart was not full [01:18:06] my heart was shattered and i was like [01:18:08] i’m just scared shitless [01:18:10] and then they send you home with this little worm [01:18:12] and you’re like what the fuck do i do with it [01:18:16] like i hated it [01:18:18] and i know that sounds awful but i hated it [01:18:20] people are like oh my god you missed the baby age [01:18:22] and i’m like no they couldn’t fucking talk [01:18:24] all i did was cry all i did was scream [01:18:26] and i didn’t know what was wrong and i called the pediatrician [01:18:28] and she was like yeah your kids are difficult [01:18:30] mommy [01:18:32] okay cool [01:18:34] so my kids are now um [01:18:36] nine and [01:18:38] six and [01:18:40] they can talk now so that’s like a bonus [01:18:42] um [01:18:44] i really like that yeah they can tell me what they need [01:18:46] and then i can be like that’s actually not a need [01:18:48] that they want sorry [01:18:50] um yeah and i love it like i love being a mom now [01:18:52] it’s really great [01:18:54] um but i struggle deeply with postpartum depression [01:18:56] and um [01:18:58] we were watching family videos one time [01:19:00] and looking at the family videos i like hit my husband [01:19:02] you know not one of the texts not like [01:19:04] oh i have something to tell you like the oh my god [01:19:06] and he’s like what? i was like [01:19:08] i was a good mom [01:19:10] the videos show that [01:19:12] the videos prove i was a good mom [01:19:14] and he’s like yeah yeah [01:19:16] you were [01:19:18] but my brain wasn’t telling me that [01:19:20] my brain was telling me you’d be better off without me [01:19:22] these kids deserve someone better [01:19:24] your kids are going to grow up knowing that you hated them [01:19:26] knowing that you didn’t want them [01:19:28] knowing that you didn’t love them [01:19:30] you should give your kids up [01:19:32] no you know what you shouldn’t give your kids up you should leave [01:19:34] you should go kill yourself [01:19:36] you should be better with no mom than you as a mom [01:19:38] that’s what my brain was telling me [01:19:40] and i didn’t even realize how bad it was [01:19:42] until i was cleaning my house [01:19:44] because i’m a really good domestic goddess [01:19:46] um [01:19:48] and i opened [01:19:50] you know one of those like junk drawers where you’re like [01:19:52] ah shit can i just go in there [01:19:54] well i found this letter to myself [01:19:56] no actually i’m sorry it wasn’t a letter to myself [01:19:58] it was a letter to my husband [01:20:00] basically apologizing for being a shit person [01:20:02] and [01:20:04] the thing i love about this letter is [01:20:06] he read this and i remember his response [01:20:08] it was like this isn’t you [01:20:10] you’re good [01:20:12] this isn’t you [01:20:14] and this is just a testament to what we can come through [01:20:16] together when we have support [01:20:18] so i’m going to read you this letter [01:20:20] because this was my brain in the throes of postpartum depression [01:20:22] and it’s sad [01:20:24] and i don’t want anyone to feel like they have to struggle [01:20:26] because they’re afraid that people are going to judge them [01:20:28] for not being overjoyed that they have a baby [01:20:30] or being scared to talk to their doctor [01:20:32] because when you ask are you going to take my kids away [01:20:34] they’re like meh depends on what you tell me [01:20:36] so yeah [01:20:38] i don’t want anyone to feel alone [01:20:40] i want people to know that it’s okay not to feel okay [01:20:42] so this letter says [01:20:44] my family is my favorite thing in this life [01:20:46] and yet time and time again [01:20:48] i fail to love you all the way i should [01:20:50] you give me your best [01:20:52] and in return you get the worst of me [01:20:54] you give me your love your patience [01:20:56] your time your understanding [01:20:58] and you get my emotional instability [01:21:00] my anger my coldness [01:21:02] my irrational reasoning [01:21:04] our kids deserve a better mom and you deserve a better life [01:21:06] i can’t tell you how sorry i am [01:21:08] that i can’t love you all the way you deserve [01:21:10] i love you more than life itself [01:21:12] but i seem to have an awful way [01:21:14] of showing it [01:21:16] every night i go to bed hating myself [01:21:18] for the things i’ve done wrong [01:21:20] and every morning i wake up wanting to do better [01:21:22] i just don’t know how [01:21:24] i don’t know where the better me is hiding [01:21:26] i love you all but i’m terrified [01:21:28] that i’m pushing you away [01:21:30] i can’t lose you but also [01:21:32] i understand if you want to leave [01:21:34] i feel like i have so much to give [01:21:36] and so much to offer [01:21:38] i truly do have the best of intentions [01:21:40] but i’m so exhausted emotionally physically mentally [01:21:42] i can’t put any of it into action [01:21:44] i feel like a fake [01:21:46] a fraud [01:21:48] how can i teach kindness and patience [01:21:50] when i fail to show it [01:21:52] how can i expect your love [01:21:54] when i don’t deserve it [01:21:56] how can i teach self love and positive image [01:21:58] when i have such immense [01:22:00] amounts of self hatred within me [01:22:02] i don’t know what to do [01:22:04] or how to fix any of it [01:22:06] i know that you all deserve better [01:22:08] you deserve the best of me [01:22:10] not me at my worst [01:22:12] i love you i promise [01:22:14] i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry [01:22:16] you married someone fun [01:22:18] funny confident smart [01:22:20] vibrant kind patient and forgiving [01:22:22] and here all you have is shit [01:22:24] i’m sure you want her back [01:22:26] and i’m doing my best to find her [01:22:28] it took me a long time to find her [01:22:30] but she’s back [01:22:36] wow [01:22:42] i’m glad you are back [01:22:44] thank you so much [01:22:46] thank you so much [01:22:48] you may not know this but [01:22:50] your kids was watching [01:22:56] yeah they was like that’s my mom [01:22:58] when you went out somebody was like that’s my mom [01:23:00] and they said how to pronounce the joint [01:23:02] it’s ah ma di yo [01:23:04] they wrote it out [01:23:06] ma di yo [01:23:08] well what’s your problem then [01:23:12] oh she got married into it [01:23:14] yeah she just she married him [01:23:16] for him not his last name you feel me [01:23:18] yeah [01:23:20] yeah we’ll take that [01:23:22] well thank you so much