Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vbAZeaI8iH8 Starts at: 01:01:02 (jump to 01:01:02)
Julie Larkins - Three Decades of Mental Health Self-Talk
[01:01:02] scent. [01:01:02] We’ll give her a pat on the back. [01:01:10] And then, with a Seung Haha on the side. [01:01:13] Yeah. [01:01:14] Thank you. [01:01:15] Yes, thank you. [01:01:17] I do love this. [01:01:20] Yes, I do. [01:01:22] Hello, everybody. [01:01:24] I’m Jackie. [01:01:26] Good to have you. [01:01:27] All right. [01:01:27] Thank you. [01:01:27] I appreciate it. [01:01:27] Thank you. [01:01:28] Thank you. [01:01:28] All right. [01:01:28] experiences definitely fueled my desire to support my community, the LGBTQIA plus community. [01:01:35] I’m a community coach, advocate, speaker. I’m also an intuitive so on any given day you might find me [01:01:44] in the Akashic Records doing past life readings or healing people as a Reiki master or being a [01:01:50] spiritual life coach. I love to help people heal and I love to help people learn to learn how to [01:01:59] love themselves. I created Revealing Colors, my company, so that I can meld sort of my gifts and [01:02:04] my journey together and I want to help people from all walks of life to find healing, curate a life [01:02:11] for themselves that they love and find joy. I’m really passionate about being authentic [01:02:17] and so I very openly share on social media. [01:02:20] My mental health struggles. I want to break the stigma and so my mental health story sort of goes [01:02:27] a little like this. Began at age like eight or nine, small body big feelings right. Age 14, lots of [01:02:35] hormones right and I was a freshman in high school and ended up in a psychiatric hospital. I came [01:02:42] home and I told all of my friends where I was against the advice of my counselors and my parents [01:02:49] and didn’t go so well. [01:02:50] I was crazy. I was unhinged right. That’s the first time I really realized that I needed to [01:02:55] censor myself for other people because of my mental illness right. So I needed to fit the norm [01:03:03] so what I did is I closed myself off. I put this sphere around me and all I let through was this [01:03:08] aperture that I closed and opened depending on what parts of me I wanted to share with people [01:03:14] because I was not right. Over time I created the hugest, [01:03:20] most powerful sphere with the smallest aperture possible and I would only let people see certain [01:03:26] parts of me that I felt like they would like. Became a cycle and over the years the hole became [01:03:34] smaller and smaller and smaller. I struggled for many many years. 25 plus medications, combos, [01:03:42] 10 plus psychiatrists, 15 plus therapists and that’s super conservative right. When I was pregnant at 20 years old I remember thinking, [01:03:50] let my child have mental health issues because I struggled so bad. [01:03:57] Mental health is still a struggle that I face. I use the tools in my toolbox and I remain authentic [01:04:02] and I hold space for myself but people look at me and they think I’m doing great. Today I am. [01:04:09] Yesterday I was not. I absolutely was not yesterday. [01:04:14] This brings me to what I sort of want to show and share with you guys today. I want to pull back the mask. [01:04:21] I want to give you an unfiltered glimpse of years of mental health struggles. [01:04:26] If you don’t know what mental illness feels like this is your chance to see what it felt like for me. [01:04:33] Without further ado, three decades of self-talk and feelings. [01:04:42] Age eight. What am I wearing today? If I don’t wear the right thing they’re not gonna like me. [01:04:48] These corduroy pants they they don’t look like Levi’s. [01:04:50] Stop kidding yourself. They pointed and they laughed at me again today. Even the teacher laughed at me today. [01:04:57] Nobody cares that I don’t want to go to school. They hate me. [01:05:00] So I cry in the dark in the basement on the floor to let the hurt out. [01:05:10] Age 14. I hate myself. This is too much. This is too much too much and I can’t keep todaying today. [01:05:17] I feel a burning in my chest and it accompanies a rage. There is a [01:05:20] beast that lives within me. The banshee she’s out today she’s longing to scream [01:05:26] and spew the darkness. Pulling that sticky tar of anger away from my insides. It feels good. [01:05:32] Hits of release. It’s a statement. I’m doing the dishes and he pushes and he pushes [01:05:36] my brother. He picks and he pokes. The rage it begins to fill me. It’s an unstoppable rage and [01:05:43] I feel the blaze begin. It’s flaming up. Soon it’ll come out of my mouth and it’ll slap him away. [01:05:51] Instead I turn it inward. I slash and I burn. I go in in in instead of going out out out. [01:06:02] I swell in this red lava. I shake and I look at him and I tell myself I can’t do this anymore. [01:06:10] I threaten to take my life. I threaten to make him stop teasing me with [01:06:14] knife that I am swinging around the kitchen. That didn’t go well. Didn’t go well at all. [01:06:21] Meds, meds, meds. Therapy, therapy, therapy. I return from the psych hospital. Refused to [01:06:26] tell my friends a lie. So I went back to school and I told him where I was. [01:06:32] So now I’m the crazy person. The girl that apparently rages through the halls like a [01:06:36] balloon in a cyclone. The crazy girl. Ricocheting off the walls of the high school. Maybe that’s [01:06:43] what I am. I guess an unstoppable cyclone. I’m an unbridled force. It just moves and grabs and takes and spews. [01:06:51] I hate myself and there’s no escape. [01:06:57] 16. med changes suck. [01:07:02] they suck and everyone that loves me and lives with me they’re gonna have to suffer through [01:07:07] another one another med that doesn’t work go down on one go up on another dry mouth [01:07:12] shaking hands my hair’s falling out now let’s try another down on this one up on another. [01:07:18] try not to let all that shit leak out of you, that angry messy person that the [01:07:24] meds usually hide. Will I get fired for snapping at people? Will my friends even [01:07:30] want to be around me? I’m already emotionally dying. As I transition [01:07:37] between meds, I feel terrible as I wait to feel good again. And then, then I do it [01:07:45] like this, over and over. And I wait and I wait and they tell me not to give up. [01:07:51] Med changes suck. Age 30. Today’s everything is just huge. It looks like a [01:08:00] mountain, a canyon I can’t cross, a mountain I can’t climb. I’ll put on my [01:08:07] mask today. That one you might have used before, where you hide your pain and the [01:08:12] swirling emotions behind the vibrant smile and the nice outfit. [01:08:15] Everyday things seem insurmountable. Insurmountable obstacles that keep [01:08:20] growing as I water them with my ever anxious mind. People see me, but I don’t [01:08:25] let them in. Because once inside that door, damn, they will see what I am. I am [01:08:30] fake. And that is what is inside of me and I’m fractured and I am messy and I [01:08:36] am uncontrolled and I am full of self-loathing. No one will ever love me. [01:08:43] 42. [01:08:45] Did I use the right pronoun? I didn’t. I’ll apologize and I’ll tell them I’ll do [01:08:50] better. Coming out publicly with everything and putting it all out there. [01:08:56] Now the whole world knows I’m bisexual, I have mental illness. They’re gonna think [01:09:01] I’m crazy because I talk to spirit and I help people heal their past lives. This is it. [01:09:05] I’m exposed. It’s terrifying, but it’s freeing all at once. Am I just gonna wait [01:09:10] for the other shoe to drop? Is this business I’m building, is it gonna stop [01:09:15] clients because they think I’m crazy? No. No. Wait. This self-talk does not serve me. [01:09:23] Because I am strong and I am brave. All of me. I am sharing all of me because I [01:09:30] want to pave the way. I can open doors and I can show others that they are not [01:09:35] alone. I can do this. I can do this. [01:09:45] Almost. As I finish up my time with you I want to say that it has taken me a long time [01:09:51] to get here. Some days are harder than others but I dig deep and I love myself. [01:10:00] Do you know it’s not your job to love me. It’s mine. So I need to take care of myself [01:10:05] physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. [01:10:09] To get here I had to break down a lot of trauma. I had to heal wounds. I had to not give up [01:10:14] time I wanted to, and I did. I wanted to give up. There were days I wanted to leave this [01:10:20] world behind because it all felt too big and I felt so hopeless. On the outside, I looked [01:10:24] like I was fine, and on the inside, I had that blip of a thought, what if I didn’t have [01:10:29] to do this anymore? But I’m lucky. I have the help and support of amazing friends and [01:10:34] family, support from spirit who held my hand when I was too tired to walk. My story is [01:10:40] one of trudging through things that hurt and felt bad, and coming out the other side, [01:10:46] recognizing that although I am tired and I am bruised and I am scarred, I am stronger [01:10:53] and I am tougher and I am kinder. Through my mental health journey, it has wound its [01:11:02] way through every part of my life, but it is not who I am. It is a tiny, tiny piece [01:11:06] of me, and I’m not ashamed of that piece. [01:11:10] It makes me awesome and special, and able to understand others because I too have traveled [01:11:16] that road. My friends, I ask that you take a moment, right now, and see me looking at [01:11:22] you as I say this. Your life is meaningful. You deserve to walk through it knowing that [01:11:34] you matter. And you do, you matter. You are not disposable because of your mental health [01:11:40] when you do struggle you deserve help and asking for help is okay the smaller the hole in your [01:11:49] sphere the less light gets in and if you seal it off it is dark you can step out of that sphere or [01:11:55] out of that prison that you’re hiding in and say i’m no longer hiding and i need help and help is [01:12:01] not a luxury if you know where to look with nami and so many other organizations like them you have [01:12:08] access to help you’re worthy of help don’t be ashamed i am telling you my story today i am [01:12:13] sharing all of the most vulnerable parts of me because i want no one to be ashamed because you [01:12:21] are worthy of love just as you are no matter what you’re feeling or thinking or doing you are worthy [01:12:26] of love you are not the sum of your mistakes or your struggles and i know it’s easy to see it that [01:12:31] way you’re so much more than you could ever imagine and i can tell you that i see it i see [01:12:36] the beauty in each one of you [01:12:38] those of you struggling i see you to those of you overcoming i support you and to those of you who [01:12:47] felt what i shared and felt it in a very deep place this is what connects us you and me in [01:12:54] sharing our dark struggles we are going to shine the light and help lessen the struggles of others [01:13:01] you are not alone thank you