Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j6jxvAUVGYc Starts at: 00:47:36 (jump to 00:47:36)
Renee: Living with BPD, Bipolar Disorder, and Finding Therapy
[00:47:36] Hi, my name is Rene. [00:47:39] I’m sure you heard from the introduction that I am a blogger and a writer, a poet. [00:47:48] I work in the music industry and the publishing industry. [00:47:52] I’m also a sufferer of borderline personality disorder. [00:47:58] Um, and bipolar disorder, as well as generalized anxiety disorder. [00:48:04] Um, I knew from a very early age, um, that something wasn’t quite right. [00:48:12] Um, I was always very, um, apathetic. [00:48:17] Um, I didn’t really connect with people. [00:48:21] Um, I didn’t use eye contact and always looked at the ground. [00:48:26] Um, I was always kind of in a. [00:48:28] General malaise, I guess. [00:48:30] Um, so I always sort of felt like I wasn’t like anybody else, but I didn’t really know what that meant or what it was. [00:48:38] Um, as I got older, the depression got worse. [00:48:44] Um, obviously, through your teenage years, you go through some people go through that anyway. [00:48:49] Um, so I didn’t really feel too, um, shocked by that. [00:48:55] Um, but what was something? [00:48:58] That was very character, uh, characteristically different was that, um, I would go between, um, like a very depressive episode where I couldn’t get out of bed or, or could barely speak, um, to, um, super bubbly, very charismatic life of the party, super, super funny. [00:49:24] Like everyone, you know, everyone gets along with you. [00:49:27] Like. [00:49:28] Um, you know, and that’s sort of, uh, I guess to become a bit clearer that there was something else going on there. [00:49:34] Um, my parents are of the generation of, um, mental health doesn’t really exist. [00:49:42] Um, you know, and like refer to the industry, I guess, as head shrinkers. [00:49:47] So, you know, they never really took anything seriously. [00:49:50] Um, that I would say, um, when I. [00:49:56] Became a young adult, um, I developed borderline personality disorder. [00:50:05] Um, this is primarily because I had a very toxic mother. [00:50:13] Um, I was abused physically, um, and mentally by her. [00:50:20] Um, uh, there were, and, and neglect and, and lots of not fun things. [00:50:26] And, um, I developed borderline and, um, I went out into the world at 18. [00:50:36] Um, and I had absolutely no, no understanding and no, um, I guess, emotional framework to deal with because my, my survival mechanism as a child and a teenager was to stay quiet, um, be meek. [00:50:56] Never speak, show zero emotion, um, and that’s how you survive that situation. [00:51:04] Um, you know, so when I went out into the real world, I suddenly had to deal with, um, you know, like meeting people and, and the opposite sex and feelings and emotions that I didn’t understand. [00:51:21] Um, which caused me quite a, quite great distress. [00:51:25] Um, so. [00:51:26] my um both my bipolar and borderline were very very bad during my early 20s i’d say um [00:51:36] they were very incredibly turbulent years um in terms of by my bipolar um it was very very unmanaged [00:51:49] um i was constantly seeing different counselors different doctors different medication [00:51:55] combinations and um you know i was a defiant 20 you know 20 year old and um you know i was [00:52:07] very much a risk taker i was incredibly promiscuous i drank a lot i took anything any drugs anything [00:52:14] that was given to me um you know i i was very dramatic to say the least um but then when i [00:52:24] when i was [00:52:26] in a like more like a manic episode i was like like i said the life of the party and and like [00:52:32] everyone wanted me around and you know so i tried very hard to hide the dark the darker side of my [00:52:39] bipolar from people by staying home um because it caused me a lot of anxiety having to go out [00:52:45] if i didn’t feel right so i’d make up excuses like oh i’m not feeling well like oh i’ve got a [00:52:55] lot of stuff going on and i was having a really bad depressive episode um yeah and i and you know i [00:53:03] guess a lot of people would say to me later in life when when i kind of came out and was [00:53:10] open about what i’m dealt with my whole life um people would say things like oh but you’re so fun [00:53:17] you’ve got so many friends like you know like i don’t know how i can’t believe that you have you have depression [00:53:21] like i don’t know how i can’t believe that you have you have depression [00:53:24] like i don’t know how i can’t believe that you have you have depression [00:53:25] like i don’t know how i can’t believe that you have depression and um which is again like such a big [00:53:29] misconception you know misconception about um depression itself and also about bipolar [00:53:37] is that um you know it’s two two parts of of one whole and often [00:53:43] people with bipolar choose to show one side and and not all um you know and there’s a [00:53:49] because of the stigma and the stereotype um both with bipolar and borderline [00:53:55] um there’s a lot of feeling of guilt and shame and failure and feeling less than [00:54:03] which often means that people don’t reach out for help or they don’t talk about it with their friends [00:54:10] or their family and you know and things like that and you hold it inside which is what i did for a [00:54:15] very long time until i found an amazing therapist um and i had like four years of psychotherapy [00:54:23] and i was able to unpack [00:54:25] all of that feeling and rage and um ambivalence and and everything that i was holding in from [00:54:35] a small child about the abuse that i dealt with um i left that i remember leaving that last session [00:54:44] of therapy feeling so much lighter and and really you know feeling like that journey had [00:54:55] had ended um that resulted in me um estranging myself from my mother which has been nearly 25 [00:55:03] years now the best decision i ever made and um you know now i’m on a very very very manageable [00:55:11] great medication program i have an amazing gp that i’ve been seeing for 12 years who knows [00:55:18] me like the back of his hand um so i’ve been lucky in that respect um [00:55:26] but there were a lot of rough times leading up to that i won’t deny that um there’s a lot of learning [00:55:33] and a lot of self-learning um you know learning to understand um your behavior um i think one of [00:55:43] the key things that really helped me was when i finally had my diagnosis um it was a clarity and [00:55:55] legitimacy that i think i needed um to help me understand why i did the things i did or why i [00:56:02] thought the way i thought um and recently just in the past uh year i went and i saw a psychiatrist a [00:56:12] new one um to